#22 National Treasure

#22 National Treasure

Year: 2004

Director: Jon Turteltaub
MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Jon Voight, Harvey Keitel

Running Time: 131 mins
Cage Time: 90%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Skyler's Review: 

This movie was written by a high school Social Studies teacher that was trying to pique the interest of her students to learn about US History. She was a fan of the Cage and totally in a rage that Nic was not chosen to play the lead in the Da Vinci Code; instead they got Woody from Toy Story, an odd choice. She basically took the identical plot from Dan Brown and adapted it to US History, and National Treasure was born.

I'm not going to discuss all of the plot holes, since there are many and we recorded them below, but the story goes like this:  The Gates family for six generations have been trying to find the long lost National Treasure, because they received a clue: "The secret lies with Charlotte". For six generations, each Gates patriarch has wasted 10-20 years looking for the treasure. What they were each doing for 20 years is beyond my comprehension, because they each made ZERO progress as to what the hell the clue even means.

Enter Nic Cage.

From studying Social Studies and US History, he is about to get RICH!!! (see kids, Soc. Studs. is important, you could get rich; and the hot girl) Nic (Ben Gates) first realizes that Charlotte is the name of a ship and he finds it, leading to another clue!!! This is HUGE progress over the last 6 Gates' hunts. 

Let's rub household chemicals, including citric acid, all over the Declaration of Independence.  What is the worst that could happen? (Nothing bad happens)

When Ben goes to his Dad to show him the great breakthrough, his dad says "Don't waste your time! It will just lead to another clue, and another clue, and another clue..." Ben retorts with "Like, when has that ever happened to you dad, solving a clue, I mean?" His dad's eyes stare off into space; Ben's dad pulls out a sword and says "This is George Washington's actual sword that he carried during the crossing of the Delaware...and I am a failure! (sobbing)" and he falls on the sword.

It doesn't go exactly like that, but close enough.

Basically the rest of the movie involves the curator of the Declaration of Independence being cool with dumping acids on the real, genuine document. The hot chick falls for the comely Nic Cage, and not his more age-appropriate sidekick. But will they find the treasure? You will have to watch the movie to find out! (there is a National Treasure 2, and NT3 has been announced)

Just like real life.

Overall this movie is great for Cage fans that like kooky heist action movies. Plus it's fine for kids of any age.

Fun fact! If you look up "STOW, Declaration of Independence" on yahoo (like Sean Bean does in this movie), the first result actually IS "Liberty Bell" just like it is in the movie. The second result is "National Treasure movie corrections." Interesting. Also, you may recognize Agent Johnson (aka that blond FBI guy) as Jacob from LOST or the Blond Treehorn Thug from the Big Lebowski.

Movie quotability: 1/5

• "A toast. To high treason. That's what these men were committing when they signed the Declaration. Had we lost the war, they would have been hanged, beheaded, drawn and quartered, and- oh! Oh, my personal favorite- had their entrails cut out and *burned*!"
• "She really can't shut her mouth, can she?"
• "You're shouting again."
• "Not cool. Not cool." (while chasing a fleeing Abigail)
• "We need more juice. We need more heat."

Plot Holes:

• Long-lost revolutionary war ship Charlotte is buried under 3 inches of snow. 
• Of any part of the ship, Nic Cage conveniently first uncovers the bell, which has the ship's name on it. (Oh, I guess this is the right long-lost ship, then.)
• Etched message revealed by rolling bloody pipe on paper is way too long to fit on said pipe's circumference.
• Nic Cage's ancestors have had that same damn "secret lies with Charlotte" clue for six generations, but none of them ever moved beyond that first clue despite devoting their entire lives to it. Yet Nic Cage barrels through ALL the clues in one movie. And his dad goes on and on about "this clue will lead to another clue, and another clue" even though he has NEVER SEEN ANOTHER CLUE.
• Gunpowder wouldn't burn, just explode.
• Sean Bean says to run before someone sees the smoke, but they're in the middle of nowhere in the Arctic circle.
• Nic Cage reads whole paragraph of Declaration of Independence in husky, solemn voice without giggling. 
• Nic Cage is wearing John Travolta's outfit from Pulp Fiction. Wait, is that John Travolta??
• You could not raise the temperature in a thermometer that fast, even with a one-watt laser.
• Diane Kruger does not wash her hands all day after opening the pin from Nic Cage. And the residue doesn't rub off on any of the other things she touches between mid-day at the office and evening at the gala.  
• Supposedly professional criminals miss every shot, including one from a meter away with adequate time to aim. 
• They decide not to tie up Abigail, even though she has no reason to not run away.
• "Professional" archivist decides that it is OK to rub lemon juice all over the Declaration of Independence and take a blow drier to it.
• After hours of waiting to get all of the letters to the cipher from the Silent letters, Riley decides to leave before getting the last four letters; even though EVERY time he has made a guess about a clue so far he has been completely wrong.
• They do not sell bottles of water at Urban Outfitters
• Nic Cage easily cuts a brick out of a wall with a pocket knife.
• "Ian has nearly unlimited resources."
• Random Black lady is sassy. No, just kidding. That makes perfect sense.
• Nic Cage is supposed to be really smart, even though everyone knows he's a Scientologist. 
• Nic Cage pops up out of the river, somehow "safe" although he is clearly still within eyesight of the dock (not to mention the helicopter).
• Everyone keeps saying "Heere, spelled with two E's," although "here" has two E's and "heere" actually has three.
• Nic Cage kisses girls with his mouth closed.
• Wooden chandelier does not burn.
• Weak woman saves "thick" grown man from falling into bottomless pit (that was dug by freemasons).
• Ancient stone statue rocks like a piece for Styrofoam when punk kid hugs it.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.78/5	3.47/5
Martine	!Tapped out of the Cage!

#17 The Wicker Man

#17 The Wicker Man

Year: 2006

Director: Neil LaBute

MPAA Rating:  PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: 

Running Time: 102 mins.
Cage Time: 98%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 6

Skyler's Review: To be completely honest, I was not really looking forward to watching The Wicker Man starring Nicolas Cage. I mean, I was and I wasn't. Like any other person that claims to know anything at all about Nic Cage, I've seen the highlights reel to the Wicker Man. If this is your first time investigating Cage's work here is the video: (FYI, spoilers!)

So I knew that there would be at least 2:08 of over-the-top-dramatic thriller in store for me, but from what I had read in the YouTube comments I was worried about the other 1:43:52. Everyone was saying that the first 90 minutes drags on; and makes the last bit of the movie not even worth it. I wholeheartedly disagree. Maybe I'm in the 27% of people on rottentomatoes.com that actually liked it, but 75% of our group really liked it. 100% of us were engaged the entire movie.

Not the bees!

So here is the plot: an over-righteous, arrogant, Jimmy Stewarty police detective (Cage) ends up investigating the kidnapping, or possible murder, of a little girl in a isolated island community. There seems to be only women on this island, so having this masculine man in a suit on the island snooping around like he owns the place makes you feel awkward; Cage's character can't seem to read their culture and behave appropriately. (It is this "I'm a man, I do/say what I want" kind of attitude that kept us entertained during the film) As the detective is investigating, and interfering with all of the island's daily affairs, it becomes apparent that there may be some kind of cover-up going on and that the child was sacrificed in some sort of ancient druid ritual. Every time he uncovers another clue, the community becomes even less forthcoming, and they try to scare him into leaving them alone; this all leads to an exciting conclusion.

"What's in the bag, a shark or something?"

Overall, we felt that this movie has been highly underrated. If you like Nicolas Cage, you will like this film. We have been quoting to each other nonstop since viewing. You must go into the movie knowing that it is intentionally overly dramatic and over-the-top to the point of comedy. But then again, that is the mindset you evoke when entering any Nicolas Cage masterpiece. Nicolas Cage, well done sir, bravo!

Movie quotability:

• "What's in the bag, a shark or something?"
• "I'm a policeman, see my badge?"
• "You little liars." (to a room full of children)
• "Perhaps it is time for you to stop bullshitting me, okay?"
• "How'd it get burned!?  How'd it get burned?  How'd it get burned!? How'd it get burned!?"
• "You have my permission to stay out of my fucking way!"
• "Killing me won't bring back your god-damned honey!!"
• "What is it?  What is it?  Ohhhh Nooo, not the bees!!"

Plot Holes:

• Man refuses to fly Malus to the secret island based on principle but gives in for a measly 100 bucks.
• Malus thinks someone may be trapped in the canvas bag that is dripping blood. They tell him to look in the bag and he flinches; decides to not look.
• Supposedly Malus is a great detective but he doesn't connect the many, many hints that the kid is his.
• Flashlight works perfectly underwater.
• Mr. Malus desperately tries to wake up an obviously decomposing body.
• Strange ritual conveniently has one full body bear costume that allows Nic Cage to infiltrate.
• With two broken femers, Nic Cage still respons coherently to each new bizarre event.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	4.95/5	4.99/5
Martine	!Pissed that she stayed in the Cage!

#9 Trespass

#9 Trespass

Year: 2011

Director: Joel Shumacher

MPAA Rating: R 

Epic Co-stars: Nicole Kidman

Running Time: 91 mins.
Cage Time: 85%
Cage Kills: 1
Cage Flip-outs: 3

Shauna's Review: Home invasion thrillers are, as a genre, some of the best and most finely-wrought suspense films. Fighting it out with a gang of baddies on your home turf is both advantageous (you know the house better than they do) and unsettling (they've invaded your privacy, and your goddamn family is there, inevitably screaming/crying/basically useless). How will you use your wits to save your family and accidentally-on-purpose probably end up killing those bad guys? 

If you're thinking of your favorite home invasion movies at this point-- Panic Room, When a Stranger Calls, Wait Until Dark, Home Alone, etc-- it's probably best to set those thoughts aside before watching Trespass, because it's not going to hold up very well in the comparison. Subtly rising tension, clever plot twists, and ingenious foils are replaced with mostly a bunch of screaming, cursing, and crying. It reminded me of the one mortifying time I did improv in a high school drama class: given a quick series of scenarios, my friend and I were too nervous to come up with anything new and embarrassingly "acted" terrified in each new scene ("Aack! We're in a hot air balloon! Oh no! We're trapped on a ledge! Help us! We're stuck in a supermarket!"). The characters in this film's similarly static reactions to each new predicament dull your interest and your emotional investment as time goes on. It's probably realistic to imagine that people in this situation would mostly cry, threaten each other without follow-through, and scream f-bombs as often as possible, but that doesn't mean it's interesting to watch. 

"This is so upsetting!"
"I know! There aren't even any interesting screen shots from this movie!"

Nic Cage plays Harrison Ford's character from Firewall, except he looks like chubby, old Tom Hanks with Mr. Feeny glasses and has none of Ford's quiet resolve. Instead (have I mentioned?) he yells a lot. And cries. It's such a shame to have Cage in a role with nothing quotable to say and very little ass-kicking. I kept hoping for a dramatic shift in this film, but it just never came. My conclusion: in this type of movie, either the criminals or the victims have to be clever, preferably both. If both of them are making inexplicably stupid choices and no one is saying anything interesting... there's not much point in watching.

"Oh, my god... when will this movie be over?"
"I know, honey, I know... soon. Soon."

Movie quotability: 0/5

• "Shit fucking animals!"

Plot Holes:

• SPOILER: Nic Cage gets shot in the inner thigh but barely groans, much less bleeds to death  from his femoral artery. Later he walks with a teeny limp. 

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Poor	Improvement Required
Shauna
James	2.3/5	2.5/5
Martine	!Stayed in the Cage!