#39 Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

#39 Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance 

Year: 2011

Director: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
MPAA Rating: PG-13

Epic Co-stars: Ciaran Hinds, Idris Elba

Running Time: 95 mins
Cage Time: 
Cage Kills: 43
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Shauna's Review: 

If you were waiting for the movie where you get to see Nic Cage piss fire, you've finally found it. Your expectations for this movie, like ours, may be incredibly low following Ghost Rider I, but Spirit of Vengeance at least represents a measurable improvement over its predecessor. 

The directors (previously of Crank) bring a touch of Shoot 'Em Up (or, you know, Crank) to this film, which can only help it. The most significant improvement is to Cage's character Johnny Blaze. Whereas in the first film Cage's great dynamic range was stifled to a terribly dull, Kevin Costner-esque moderation, in this movie Cage's true dramatic and comedic abilities are showcased to great effect. Heaven knows I could happily watch the flesh melt off of Nic Cage's screaming face for hours on end. 

Ah, bliss.

The creative "minds" behind this movie have made a few changes to the canon. The Ghost Rider is basically the Hulk in this movie. Although more familiar with his alter-ego, Nicolas Cage still sweatily strains to hold it in check. Also he appears to be high on crack (you may notice a common theme among Cage's greater films). I know if *I* were playing the main character in this movie, drugs would help tremendously. 

I'm not sure if you know this, but... I've got the magic in me. Also cocaine.

The penance stare seems to have evolved a little bit... in that it now takes longer and is more like a makeout sesh, ending in the baddie dissolving in a fiery poof. Also the Rider is announced by that same sci-fi noise you've heard before in the Matrix/Lost/Transformers/Every Sci-fi Movie Ever, which is (redundant, but) creepy and awesome. I'll allow it.What makes this movie so much better than the first is that we get to see Cage AS the Rider, instead of as a boring do-gooder who morphs into a CGI Non-Shamanic Rider. 


I'm not going to bother with a recap of the plot of this film, because it is utterly ridiculous and wouldn't hold up under the slightest of scrutinies. Needless to say, every moment of film without Cage is one wasted, terrible moment, and slowly those moments wear you down until you are praying for merciful death. The writing is so awfully bad that Blaze actually compares murder to illegal downloading. And not in like a funny, ironic way. On the plus side, Cage's interviews with Nathaniel Lippiett are beautiful and amazing. 

Have you ever been dragged out to the sidewalk and beaten until you PISSED FIRE??

In sum, I'm not sure if Cage's performance is SO legendary that you should voluntarily subject yourself to it (outside of your AYITC requirements, of course); I'm sure you can think of at least one Cageriffic alternate. But he does give an enjoyably Shamanic experience in an otherwise crap film. 

Movie quotability:

• "Same plot as Dennis the Menace?" -Skyler, hopefully
• "I did a bare ass 360 triple back flip in front of twenty two thousand people. It's kind of funny, it's on Youtube, check it out."
• "Why does the devil walk in human form anyway? I have no idea."
• "And you don't want to be around when that happens, see there's good and bad in all of us, and maybe you're not a murderer, but you did something that you didn't want the Rider to see, a white lie, an illegal download, what about you? And you?"
• "That's the guy? He looks like he works on a crew ship."
• "No, I got it. You're the devil's baby mama."
• "Yeah, Black, French, kind of a dick? You know him?"
• "That guy does looks like a younger, more attractive Kurt Russell." -James
• "He's scraping at the door! Scraping at the door!!!"
• "Good girl."
• "There was a bee. I thought it was going to sting your face."
• "They made a mistake with Christian Bale. They should have just gone with him as Batman." -Skyler
• "Go. Home."

Plot Holes:

• Shotgun RPGs?
• Martine (a mom) says that chick is not convincing as a real mom.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Dreadful
Shauna
James	4.16	1.43
Martine	Fell asleep in the Cage. Hell yes.

#29 Drive Angry

#29 Drive Angry

Year: 2011

Director: Patrick Lessier
MPAA Rating:

Epic Co-stars: Hot bi-sexual, William Fichtner, Billy Burke

Running Time: 104 mins
Cage Time: ~98%
Cage Kills: 42; all of them glorious
Cage Flip-outs: 0

James' Review: When I sat down for this film I wasn't sure what to expect which is pretty much the best place you can be just before getting your MIND FUCKING BLOWN!  Drive Angry now carries the title of being the #1 unexpected sleeper hit so far on my Cage adventure, and I don't see it being topped anytime soon.  Unfortunately, if you have a vagina you may not share my extreme excitement for this (see ratings below).  But if a set of testicles and a penis are a decent description of your mid-section then you should probably cancel whatever worthless plans you had tonight, round up a couple other people with similar genitals, and watch this film.  

Returning to earth from hell sometimes results in eye damage.  And inspirational artwork.

Nic Cage plays John Milton, an undead badass who escaped from hell to avenge his daughters death and save his granddaughter from a deranged cult of Satan worshipers who plan on sacrificing said granddaughter in an arbitrarily short period of time.  As I said, whatever plans you had tonight are now worthless.  Anyone fresh out of hell needs a little company, so Milton picks up a hot waitress (Amber Heard) and does her a favor by killing her fiance before hitting the road again to try to allude the spawn of Satan know as the Accountant (William Fichtner)  who has set out to drag him back to hell.  Start thinking of excuses now.  I could go on describing each and every amazing detail of this film, but I think we both know you'd be better off just watching it yourself.  

Driving angry sometimes results in damaged windshields.  And seeing red.

What you do need to know is that this film is a perfect execution of the Grindhouse genre and has the power to turn even skeptics (of the genre) into believers.  The execution is a bit less blatant than recent films (Tarantino and Rodriguez) that have re-popularized the genre making it feel a bit more genuine despite it's completely ridiculous subject manner.  

Escaping hell sometimes results in ultra-badass firearms.  And carrying cases presumably made of  human flesh.

Dr. Cage (as usual) executes flawlessly here.  His passion for each individual role coupled with the supreme Nouveau Shamanic style result in pure excellence.  All of his 25 kills are carried out with such precision and deliberateness that each of them is just as (if not more) pleasing to view than the last.  This, coupled with three sets of boobs and one of the most beautifully executed grindhouse scenes in cinematic history*, makes Drive Angry a definite standout in a long series (68 at the time this review was written) of impressive Cage performances.

*Kills multiple people without pulling out; one with a bottle of whiskey in his hand.  Another guys machete was shot by Cage, driving it into the center of his forehead.

Movie quotability:

• "Hell already is walking the earth. You tell him I'm coming. Tell him I'm coming to get her back."
• I Brake 4 Pussy
• "I don't disrobe before gunfire."
• "I need to reload.  You drive."
• "It's still in there.  The bullet, I can feel it."
• "It's not about your suffering, your burning.  Its about the suffering of those you love.  It's all you see..."
• "Burning is nothing, compared to watching your child's head get torn off."
• "Even in hell, there is compassion."

Plot Holes:

• Air conditioner face wound heals in a few hours.
• Infinite bridge defies the laws of physics.
• Every aspect of the movie, which makes it totally wonderful.
• Most ridiculous ending scene ever!

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	4.12/5	3.81/5
Martine	!Tapped out of the Cage!

#24 Seeking Justice

#24 Seeking Justice

Year: 2011

Director: Roger Donaldson

MPAA Rating:

Epic Co-stars: January Jones, Guy Pearce

Running Time: 105 mins
Cage Time: ~ 97%
Cage Kills: 1
Cage Flip-outs: 2

Skyler's Review: 
A man is going to the bathroom and someone kicks a cell phone under the door into his stall. The phone starts ringing. The man on the other end, in a raspy Batman-type voice says, "Leave the bathroom and go to the vending machine. Buy a Slim Jim. Then go onto the street and head toward the subway." This all seems very odd, but the man decides to comply. He presses B-4 to get the Slim Jim and heads upstairs and starts to head down to the subway. All the while, the phone pressed into his ear. "Stop halfway down the stairs," the raspy voice continues, "there is a flyer, someone looking for a musician. Take it, take the flyer. Then get on the Number 3 train." He does. "Get off at the next stop. Go back to street level. You will see a convenience store. Go down the alley." As the man walks into the alley, someone sitting on a stool stops him. "Hold on, where do you think you are go..." the person stops mid-sentence when he sees the flyer, "Ok, go on, the band entrance is on the right." He goes down the alley and the raspy voice comes back, "Don't take the band entrance. Go to the end of the alley and enter the last door on the left." His ears feel hot. Will the person on the stool notice he is not going in the band entrance? He makes it to the end of the alley and puts is hand on the doorknob. He pauses, before quickly opening the door and entering. Suddenly, a dog starts barking. "Give the dog the Slim Jim. Then follow the hallway to the stairs." He tosses the Slim Jim and the barking immediately subsides.

Do you see what I did there? I made the protagonist do some seemingly meaningless stuff, but in the end everything had a purpose in advancing the plot. This movie is much like the above, but the plot stops when you hit the italics.

The title: 'Seeking Justice' is a red herring. No justice is sought. Unless Justice is the brand name of cigarettes or candy or something.

A guy on a phone makes Nic Cage: 

• Go to a vending machine and buy 2 candy bars
• Mail a letter to Santa
• Go to a convenience store and buy some gum

None of these serve any purpose, other than filling screen time.

In the end Nic Cage gets the guy back by doing the same thing on a phone and orders him to

• Watch a monster truck rally
• Go to the bathroom (He literally says "Go to the urinal. Take a leak.")
• Buy a hot dog

In keeping with the theme, there was absolutely no reason for the man to do these things.

Cage phoning the writers. The script makes it seem like "sending the letter" is meaningless and has no impact on the plot. They assured him it would all make sense after editing. (it doesn't) It's all a big practical joke they were pulling,
a 17-million dollar joke.

The plot is supposed to be about an all-powerful, underground organization that punishes criminals by murdering them. The organization perpetuates itself as a pyramid scheme. They get a victim to agree to do a favor later if the organization murders the criminal now. The favor to do later is, obviously, to commit one of these "justice murders." The problem with this system, is how do you really know that your target is a criminal? (This is why we have courts and stuff) 

Nic seems to be as confused by the "plot" as we were.

The overall plot sounds really cool. The execution is terrible. They add so many red herrings to the plot that it trivialized every single action that the characters were taking. Moreover, at no point was I ever interested in finding out what was "really going on." It was pretty obvious, if you've ever seen a movie before. Don't get me wrong, Nic Cage acted the hell out of "mail a letter" and the impeccable "buy some gum" bit. It just would have been nice to see him chewing the gum or offering it to someone. It wasn't even brand name gum! At least get a sponsor! Maybe they tried and Wrigley said "No, we only sponsor movies that people will watch."

Movie quotability: 

• "Who dat?!"
• "No.  Murder, first degree."
• "Take a leak"
• "The hungry rabbit jumps"

Plot Holes:

• DNA tests do not take 6 months to complete
• Nic Cage and others needs to purchase snacks as part of every shady deal.
• Amway has a secret hitman branch in their business model.
• Nic Cage is married to a woman WAY out of his league.
• Adult english teacher has children's magnets on his refrigerator.
• Three city buses come to one stop within 2 minutes.
• "Forever Bars"
• Murderer stumbles upon his victim's wake.
• Cage taps a cop car throwing it under a tractor trailer (which should have decapitated the cop) and cop climbs out of car unharmed.
• Escalade is equipped with all knowing super computer.
• Cage forgets about his wife and doesn't contact her for hours even though ruthless criminals are out to get him.
• An abandoned mall is a thing.
• All bald people are bad.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	poor	dreadful
Shauna
James	2.42/5	1.98/5
Martine	!Tapped out of the cage!

#9 Trespass

#9 Trespass

Year: 2011

Director: Joel Shumacher

MPAA Rating: R 

Epic Co-stars: Nicole Kidman

Running Time: 91 mins.
Cage Time: 85%
Cage Kills: 1
Cage Flip-outs: 3

Shauna's Review: Home invasion thrillers are, as a genre, some of the best and most finely-wrought suspense films. Fighting it out with a gang of baddies on your home turf is both advantageous (you know the house better than they do) and unsettling (they've invaded your privacy, and your goddamn family is there, inevitably screaming/crying/basically useless). How will you use your wits to save your family and accidentally-on-purpose probably end up killing those bad guys? 

If you're thinking of your favorite home invasion movies at this point-- Panic Room, When a Stranger Calls, Wait Until Dark, Home Alone, etc-- it's probably best to set those thoughts aside before watching Trespass, because it's not going to hold up very well in the comparison. Subtly rising tension, clever plot twists, and ingenious foils are replaced with mostly a bunch of screaming, cursing, and crying. It reminded me of the one mortifying time I did improv in a high school drama class: given a quick series of scenarios, my friend and I were too nervous to come up with anything new and embarrassingly "acted" terrified in each new scene ("Aack! We're in a hot air balloon! Oh no! We're trapped on a ledge! Help us! We're stuck in a supermarket!"). The characters in this film's similarly static reactions to each new predicament dull your interest and your emotional investment as time goes on. It's probably realistic to imagine that people in this situation would mostly cry, threaten each other without follow-through, and scream f-bombs as often as possible, but that doesn't mean it's interesting to watch. 

"This is so upsetting!"
"I know! There aren't even any interesting screen shots from this movie!"

Nic Cage plays Harrison Ford's character from Firewall, except he looks like chubby, old Tom Hanks with Mr. Feeny glasses and has none of Ford's quiet resolve. Instead (have I mentioned?) he yells a lot. And cries. It's such a shame to have Cage in a role with nothing quotable to say and very little ass-kicking. I kept hoping for a dramatic shift in this film, but it just never came. My conclusion: in this type of movie, either the criminals or the victims have to be clever, preferably both. If both of them are making inexplicably stupid choices and no one is saying anything interesting... there's not much point in watching.

"Oh, my god... when will this movie be over?"
"I know, honey, I know... soon. Soon."

Movie quotability: 0/5

• "Shit fucking animals!"

Plot Holes:

• SPOILER: Nic Cage gets shot in the inner thigh but barely groans, much less bleeds to death  from his femoral artery. Later he walks with a teeny limp. 

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Poor	Improvement Required
Shauna
James	2.3/5	2.5/5
Martine	!Stayed in the Cage!

#8 Season of the Witch

#8 Season of the Witch

Year: 2011

Director: Dominic Sena

MPAA Rating:  PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: Ron Perlman

Running Time: 95mins
Cage Time: ~95%
Cage Kills: 16 (allegedly 600 plus countless women, children, and wolves)
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Shauna's Review: Season of the Witch may not have been based on a video game, but it definitely could have been... or vice versa. Knights Behmen (Nic Cage) and Felson (Ron Perlman) cheerfully hack their way through a half-dozen 14th century Crusades until the fateful day the mists clear and they realize they've killed (attractive) women and children. Goddammit! After a pissy screaming match with their leader priest dude, they desert the army, principles intact. 

These principles weigh heavily upon my head, like... overly long hair and half a British accent.

A month later, they find themselves in the city of Marburg where a mysterious black plague (hmm) has taken hold. The woman deemed responsible has been labeled a bitch; I'm sorry, a witch, and needs to be taken to the monks for trial. As deserters, the soldiers face an indeterminate but ostensibly awful punishment; Cardinal Saruman offers them clemency for escorting the prisoner on this inevitably perilous journey. Nic Cage refuses (he has his principles, after all), but changes his mind when he sees how hot the witch is. Aww, she looks so innocent! Perhaps he can save her, thus redeeming himself after slaughtering all those women and children! The rest of the movie depicts their harrowing journey, as the men face evil, both physical and psychological, in their attempt to bring her to the monastery. 

In my next role, can I please play a wizard again? I'll even settle for Count Dooku.

Of course, in the first scene of the movie, we established that witches/magic/evil are totally real and definitely horrifying, so we won't spend too long wondering whether or not she's actually a witch. Plus, you know, she always has her stringy, dark hair hanging in front of her eyes and generally looks like the chick from The Grudge. Very subtle. 

I'm totally innocent... I don't know why you don't believe me.

Season of the Witch did not do very well in theaters; I remember seeing the previews and thinking it looked terrible. But it surprised me. It was both more creepy and more suspenseful than I had anticipated. The overall trajectory was predictable, but there were a number of surprising and interesting moments throughout. The film wasn't particularly strong in terms of Cage-y-ness. The dialogue is terse and largely unpretentious; the witty banter is mostly given to Perlman, and some of it is actually funny. As a result, this is Cage's straightest and most subdued performance so far... with surprisingly good result. This isn't the movie to watch if you're looking for Nouveau Shamanic mega-acting, but it is a solid adventure/suspense flick. 

Movie quotability: 1/5

• (Whacks girl on head) "Now she's sedated."
• "I've saved your ass a hundred times, have a little faith."
• "Did you see that priest's face? Looked like someone pissed in his holy water."

Plot Holes:

• The plague has something to do with demons.
• SPOILER: When waking up after having demons excised from your body, you just lie on the ground with your boobs pressed firmly against the floor. Boo! 

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Poor	Successful
Shauna
James	1.83/5	2.78/5
Martine	!Stayed in the cage!