#15 Gone in Sixty Seconds

# 15 Gone in 60 Seconds

Year: 2000

Director: Dominic Sena

MPAA Rating:  R 

Epic Co-stars: Robert Duvall

Running Time: 118 mins
Cage Time: 90%
Cage Kills: 1
Cage Flip-outs: 5

Shauna's Review:

Editor's note: If this post seems short and cranky (and wildly tardy), it's because I am.

Having seen Gone in 60 Seconds in college, shortly after it came out, I had fond memories of it until recently. Recently being the point when I watched it again. On its face, the film seems like an ideal Nic Cage vehicle (ha). Memphis Raines (Cage), a retired, legendary car thief returns to his life of crime in order to save his brother's ass by stealing 50 cars in 72 hours, with the help of various likable villains and also Angelina Jolie. However, the action never really engages; although the pace is moderate, nothing of much interest seems to happen.

I'm still not sure why Cage would give up his obviously fulfilling career as a kids' go-cart manager to save Giovanni Ribisi, who is annoying, or why anyone is afraid of the tiny blonde villain, or how 50 cherry cars could possibly be worth only $200,000, even on the black market. Moreover, these are not questions interesting enough for me to spend much time pondering them.

I did perk up a bit when, during the final car chase, Cage et al race through the LA River, because it reminded me of Terminator 2. No, just kidding. I was thinking about Grease. But mentally replaying upbeat music (auto-related, no less) helped me stay awake during the last ten minutes of the film, so I appreciated it. 

Like Danny Zuko, Memphis eludes his pursuers due to sheer good-heartedness.
Also nitrous.

For those of you who didn't know, Gone in 60 Seconds is based on a 1974 cult classic (i.e. low-budget crapfest) that is revered by many boys who really like cars, I guess. If you're interested, no need to try and find this gem at a Redbox; the whole thing is streaming here. (Even better, so is Cocktail!) Anyway, I couldn't be bothered to watch the whole thing, but I did watch the final chase scene, and what I learned is that there isn't a film existing that couldn't be improved with mustaches. The End.

Thank you for being a part of this movie, Robert Duvall and Will Patton. 

Movie quotability: 1/5

• "I am a baaaaad man."
• "That's macho. That's a macho-sounding name."
• "Two Rogers don't make a right, HAHAHA."
• "AIIGHT?"
• "It's just, your knowledge overwhelms me."
• "For the next 24 hours, all your decision-making abilities have been removed."

Plot Holes:

• Stupid.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Acceptable	Poor
Shauna
James	1.88/5	1.44.5
Martine	!Fell asleep in the cage!

Picture Perfect Family

This is what the Serbian Textbook makers had in mind!  Nic Cage posing as a perfect family man even despite the fact that his family life is even crazier than the plots of some of his most ridiculous films.  TMZ has given us a nice wrap up of the events leading up to last nights peaceful family reunion between Christina Fulton (ex-girlfriend / baby's momma), Weston Cage (model son / "musician"), and Nicolas Cage (god among men / god among gods).

-- Nic Cage and baby-mama Fulton hit up a courthouse to settle a nasty $13-mil lawsuit
-- Nic tells TMZ "I hope Ms. Fulton will come to her senses one day and get some help."
-- Nic sends an employee to hunt down Weston ... who then beats the crap out of him.  
-- Weston is taken for a "mental evaluation," but his mom is banned from the hospital. 
-- Fulton tries to get conservatorship of Weston ... against his wishes. 
-- Weston tells TMZ "I want no contact with Christina Fulton and will never undergo the torment she put me through ever again." 

An overjoyed Nicolas Cage poses for a photo with his family.  His Nouveau Shamanic style is not just an acting  discipline, but a life philosophy that is employed in virtually every situation.

#14 Amos & Andrew

#14 Amos & Andrew

Year: 1993

Director: E. Max Frye

MPAA Rating:  PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: Samuel L. Jackson, Dabney Coleman

Running Time: 96 mins.
Cage Time: 
Cage Kills/Deaths: 0/0
Cage Flip-outs: 3

James' Review: This movie lost $7 million dollars. I can see why.  I'll try to keep this short and sweet mostly for my own sake as I can't stand to think about it much longer.  Tears come to my eyes when I think of the potential for totally psychotic freak-out bliss I once imagined when thinking about this film.  Looking at the cover seeing Samuel L. Jackson and Nic Cage in their all too obvious characters I thought "these two together on the screen are a sure thing".  I now realize that I am an idiot.

Stale race commentary written for idiots: check.  Dumb honkeys that base all of their actions on ass-umptions: check.  Dumber cops that base all of their actions on the ass-umptions of dumb honkeys: check.  Comically racist dogs: check.  If all of these things sound good to you, then I'm happy that our blog has finally found it's target audience.  For those of you who don't like the sounds of this, please keep reading because A Year In The Cage is trying to become a little less "movie" and a little more "film".

I applaud the balls of this man.  He is willing to go anywhere or do anything for cinema, even when deep down inside he knows that someday in the future disrupting technologies will allow images like this to haunt him for the rest of his life.

Mr. Cage plays a bit of a ruffian in this film.  A poor schmuck  down on his luck that is targeted by the local authorities as an easy scapegoat for their moronic behavior.  He soon teams up with the minority who was originally wronged by them to ultimately outsmart them and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, who the hell cares?  This movie was so stupid and boring that when watching it I felt somewhat jealous of my toddler who was sleeping peacefully upstairs.  The commentary was totally outdated even for 1993, and the writing completely muted anything and everything that Nic and Sam have since become  famous for doing.  This film was aimed to be a comedy that tackled larger issues, but instead turned out to be a genre-less pile of trash that poked more fun at the people who made it than those whom it tried to portray.  Total Horse Shit! 

Movie quotability: -4/5

• "Fuck the first amendment."
• "She looked 18..."
• "I guess I wanted my family to be like ah" (hits joint) "a sea-monkey family."
• "For all your talk, you are the whitest damn black man I've ever met."
• N-word count: 4

Plot Holes:

• It's acceptable for actors to be made up in black face in 1993.
• A black guy in New England sets all the white people within a 5 mile radius into a crazed frenzy.  Once again, in 1993...
• Every white person is racist.
• In 1993, every person regardless of color is racist.  Even dogs.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Poor	Troll
Shauna
James	1.37/5.0	0.84/5.0
Martine	!Oblivious in the Cage!

What's next for the Cage?

If you aren't super-pumped to see Nic Cage in the theaters soon, I'm assuming it's because you don't know what's in store. Let's take a look at some of the gems coming our way.

FROZEN GROUND (2012)

15 years after Con Air, the Cage is once again teaming up with John Cusack--this time with a bit of a role reversal. Cusack will play serial killer Robert Hanson, while Cage will capture hearts and minds as the Alaskan State Trooper that pursues Hanson. The film is based on the true story of the "Butcher Baker," who picked up prostitutes and strippers, flew them into the Alaskan wilderness, raped and assaulted them before setting them loose in the woods so he could hunt them down and shoot them with a rifle. Yeesh. Also, I can't believe they haven't made this movie already! These kinds of senseless crimes are Hollywood gold! The film is currently in post-production and will also star 50-Cent as a pimp (very creative), and Vanessa Hudgens as an escaped victim (no comment).

Looking forward to: I think Cusack has real potential to be superbly creepy as an under-the-radar psycho, and you know I love Cage in the Righteous Pursuit of Truth in the Face of All Obstacles.

THE CROODS (2013)

Due to be released on March 22, 2013, The Croods may very well be the last movie we watch IN THE CAGE; our year ends just one week later. Cage plays a caveman living in the "previously undiscovered" Croodacious period with a conservative (dare we say "caveman") sensibility. He butts heads with a young, new hotshot who challenges his traditional ways with forward-thinking inventions like fire, and who wants to bone Cage's daughter. Will the two ever see eye to eye? Is there some valuable life lesson they can take from one another? Will they team up to save the whole family from a life-threatening situation/ turquoise tiger/ volcano? (For answer, see every other cartoon made, ever.) Other voice talents include Emma Stone, Ryan Reynolds, and Cloris Leachman.

Looking forward to: Cage's signature awesomeness, shining through... or a postponed release date.

FRANK OR FRANCIS (2013)

Frank or Francis is a Charlie Kaufman project still in the rumor mill stage (funding issues, rumor has it), but with a full--apparently wild--script and a number of stellar cast members signed on, including our own Mr. Cage. A musical comedy, Frank or Francis skewers contemporary film society... among other things. The discussions of the film so far are nearly as abstruse as Kaufman's films to date, but chances are, it will be something to see, if and when it is finally completed. Other big names include: Steve Carrell, Jack Black, Elizabeth Banks, and Kevin Kline. 

Looking forward to: Nicolas Cage in a musical number (hopefully)!

NATIONAL TREASURE 3 (N/A)

Need I say more? No.

Looking forward to: More sanctimonious speeches, querulous eyebrows, hilariously improbable secret messages on the backsides of historical artifacts, treasures hidden under monuments, etc.

WILD SIDE (N/A)

It was just announced yesterday that Nic Cage would star alongside Johnny Knoxville and newcomer Juno Temple (of the upcoming Dark Knight) in the upcoming film Wild Side. Cage's thief/murderer and "self-described wolf" Odel will pursue Temple's beauty-queen Lila Belle Clyde as she flees New Orleans in possession of Odel's stolen diamonds, while both avoid local law enforcement. This sounds like a role Cage can really sink his teeth into (pun intended). We'll see if "actor" Johnny Knoxville can hold his own in the Cage.

Looking forward to: As Scott Harris of NextMovie writes, "Let's hope director Jesse Baget has a great set director, because Cage is about to chew more scenery than a diplodocus."


Which movie are you looking forward to the most?

#13 The Weather Man

#13 The Weather Man

Year: 2005

Director: Gore Verbinski

MPAA Rating:  R 

Epic Co-stars: Michael Caine

Running Time: 101 mins.
Cage Time: ~95%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 6

Shauna's Review: In 2010, Roger Ebert wrote: "There are often lists of the great living male movie stars: De Niro, Nicholson and Pacino, usually. How often do you see the name of Nicolas Cage? He should always be up there. He's daring and fearless in his choice of roles, and unafraid to crawl out on a limb, saw it off and remain suspended in air. No one else can project inner trembling so effectively.... He always seems so earnest. However improbable his character, he never winks at the audience. He is committed to the character with every atom and plays him as if he were him."

What this means in practical terms is that, in most of his roles, Cage is unnervingly convincing as a megalomaniac. The Weather Man, by contrast, is a serious Film that allows us to see the fragile, sensitive, everyman Nic Cage. Or, as Skyler and James put it, "Finally, a Cage film with some nudity!"

"People don't throw things at me any more. Maybe because I carry a bow around."

Cage plays David Spritz, Chicago TV weatherman, divorced husband, father of two, and son of   a Nobel-award-winning writer, played by Michael Caine, who is awesome. Since this is an independent-type, dark comedy, his kids cuss and smoke and do edgy things like hang out with creepy perverts, his wife acts like a real bitch (not like Debra on Everybody Loves Raymond, but like, really annoying), and everyone says "fuck" frequently and with relish. The film follows Spritz's inner monologue as he tries, mostly ineffectively, to reconstruct his decaying personal life, even as his professional career moves forward. 

My name is Michael Caine, and I am awesome.
Also, if you haven't seen The Trip, watch this.

My brother once told me, "That movie is a real bummer." But I actually found it to be fairly hilarious. No, it's not upbeat. Spritz is an unhappy character out on a limb, feeling it crack under his weight yet paralyzed by doubt. Cage doesn't exaggerate these weaknesses for comedic purposes, and he doesn't need to; the writing is wittily sharp and self-deprecating. Instead he embodies this character earnestly and with real conviction, making this a solid entry in the Cage canon.

Movie quotability:

• "That was refreshing. I am refreshed. I am refreshing." 
• "People recognize me sometimes. Some are dicks." 
• "You ARE a dildo, pork fuck- fucker." 
• "Her colleagues call her camel toe.... It means the crease in her vagina that they can discern through her clothing." 
• "You know what, Dave. You want to know why my BJs lacked enthusiasm? I hated you. I hated your hair. I hated your ugly legs, your forearms. I hated kissing your lips, Dave. OK? And that's why I lacked enthusiasm when your cock was in my mouth." 
• "I don't know. It's a guess. It's wind. It blows all over the place." 
• "I'd like to put my face in there...tartar sauce...I like to eat pussy, tartar sauce...."
• "'When I think of my dad, I think of Bob Seger's Like a Rock.' And that's all I said at my father's living funeral." 
• "Always fast food.  Fast food.  Things that people would rather throw out than finish.  It's easy, it tastes all right, but it doesn't really provide you any nourishment.  I'm fast food." 

Plot Holes:

• None, except that $240k+ a year seems like a lot for a weatherman. 

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Outstanding
Shauna
James	4.18/5	3.89/5
Martine	!Got teared up in the cage!

Transcendent among men

Part of what makes Nicolas Cage such a iconic actor is his incredible range and depth in the variety of characters he plays on screen.  What many people don't know is that this amazing range continues off screen as he transcends far beyond the realm of mortal men...

Nic Cage transcends the goals of men everywhere by serving as the highly unattainable model of a perfect family man for Serbian school children.

Nic Cage transcends the normal limits of space and  time as made apparent by this photo taken of him over 100 years ago.  His handsome debonair glow radiates just as strongly today as it did in the 19th century.  

Nic Cage transcends basic human biology as made apparent in this photo of him hanging out with some of his black friends.  His supernatural acting skills allow him to blend into any situation with ease.