#53 Astro Boy

#53  Astro Boy

Year: 2009

Director: David Bowers

MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Donald Sutherland, Nathan Lane

Running Time: 94 minutes
Cage Time: 15%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 0

Skyler's Review: 
Nicolas Cage is cutting-edge scientist, Dr. Tenma, in the futuristic Metro City. This futuristic city is a Wall-E type oasis, complete with robot slaves, floating above a Wall-E type destroyed Earth surface. Tenma's son, Toby, is a real smart-alec know-it-all who sneaks into his dad's secret lab, full of new government weapons, and gets himself killed within the first 15 minutes. This, of course fills Tenma with regret, since we was always too busy for Toby: a real "cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon" situation.

Dr. Tenma only hangs out with his son in hologram form.

Tenma, stricken with grief, uses a newly discovered, powerfully "good" blue core of a star to power a Toby-lookalike robot. Although this robot Toby has meat Toby's memories (how?), it isn't as nerdy as meat Toby and Tenma kicks him/it out of the house. Meanwhile, the President wants to use the star cores to jumpstart a war that will win him the election, and he chases robot Toby off Metro City to the surface, where he becomes "Astro" and masquerades as a real boy. Astro robot meets a gang of Oliver Twist-esque kids on the surface. There is an epic battle, miraculous ending, etc.

This is not his son sleeping. It is a robot. His son is dead.

In the end this story is about good v. evil and equal treatment and respect for all self-aware and intelligent beings (robots or otherwise). This is all fine and all, but I can't get over the fact that they gloss right over the fact that Dr. Tenma's son, who seemed like a great kid, was laser blasted into dust without warning. It was almost a footnote, a preface. They did not delve into the fact that Dr. Tenma is facing a very real delusion leaving him very compromised. He builds Astro, but keep in mind that he hastily made a self-aware robot with the emotional intelligence of a grade-schooler, yet gave it laser cannons, machine guns,  rocket feet, and put a star's core (whatever that means) inside it. What if this robot threw a tantrum and shot up the town, lasered some grandmas, and detonated himself?

Real life Nicolas Cage is the best father.

In conclusion, this animated film was cute enough and fun enough, and Nicolas Cage delivered an excellent voice over performance. The writing left something to be desired. They missed a big opportunity to explain death and the 5 stages of grief to the 4 year olds in the audience. Instead the lesson is, don't worry about death, your dad will rebuild you as a robot with rocket boots.

Movie quotability:

• "It's called adaptive technology: it can absorb and control anything."
• "It's going to make him perfect, PERFECT!"
• "I like his boots" -Henry
• "I'm Mike the fridge. I'm the...fridge"
• "It's official. Henry loves Nicolas Cage movies." -James
• "Zog's awesome. I want a Zog!" -Skyler
• "What? I got machine guns... in my butt?" 
• "If you want the core, you're going to have to kill me."
• "He has to put it deep within the boy's Ass...tro." -James
• "IT'S NOT TIME FOR CHANGE" -President Stone's campaign banner
• "We're trying to live more naturally. You know, like real birds." -Robot spray and squeegee
• "A squeezee bottle's gotta do what a squeezee bottle's gotta do."
• "Love will be able to charge his battery!" -Skyler

Plot Holes:

• A "small fragment of a star" was collected. False. The whole planet is a "small fragment of a star." Stars are just atoms.
• Robot scientist uploads Toby's' memories into a robot Toby. How? From the one hair that he found?
• 4th dimensional calculus is just called "calculus"
• Astro Boy flies through the earth and solid rock but he doesn't melt from friction.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Poor	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	2.00/5	3.33/5
Martine	!Stayed in the Cage!

#22 National Treasure

#22 National Treasure

Year: 2004

Director: Jon Turteltaub
MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Jon Voight, Harvey Keitel

Running Time: 131 mins
Cage Time: 90%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Skyler's Review: 

This movie was written by a high school Social Studies teacher that was trying to pique the interest of her students to learn about US History. She was a fan of the Cage and totally in a rage that Nic was not chosen to play the lead in the Da Vinci Code; instead they got Woody from Toy Story, an odd choice. She basically took the identical plot from Dan Brown and adapted it to US History, and National Treasure was born.

I'm not going to discuss all of the plot holes, since there are many and we recorded them below, but the story goes like this:  The Gates family for six generations have been trying to find the long lost National Treasure, because they received a clue: "The secret lies with Charlotte". For six generations, each Gates patriarch has wasted 10-20 years looking for the treasure. What they were each doing for 20 years is beyond my comprehension, because they each made ZERO progress as to what the hell the clue even means.

Enter Nic Cage.

From studying Social Studies and US History, he is about to get RICH!!! (see kids, Soc. Studs. is important, you could get rich; and the hot girl) Nic (Ben Gates) first realizes that Charlotte is the name of a ship and he finds it, leading to another clue!!! This is HUGE progress over the last 6 Gates' hunts. 

Let's rub household chemicals, including citric acid, all over the Declaration of Independence.  What is the worst that could happen? (Nothing bad happens)

When Ben goes to his Dad to show him the great breakthrough, his dad says "Don't waste your time! It will just lead to another clue, and another clue, and another clue..." Ben retorts with "Like, when has that ever happened to you dad, solving a clue, I mean?" His dad's eyes stare off into space; Ben's dad pulls out a sword and says "This is George Washington's actual sword that he carried during the crossing of the Delaware...and I am a failure! (sobbing)" and he falls on the sword.

It doesn't go exactly like that, but close enough.

Basically the rest of the movie involves the curator of the Declaration of Independence being cool with dumping acids on the real, genuine document. The hot chick falls for the comely Nic Cage, and not his more age-appropriate sidekick. But will they find the treasure? You will have to watch the movie to find out! (there is a National Treasure 2, and NT3 has been announced)

Just like real life.

Overall this movie is great for Cage fans that like kooky heist action movies. Plus it's fine for kids of any age.

Fun fact! If you look up "STOW, Declaration of Independence" on yahoo (like Sean Bean does in this movie), the first result actually IS "Liberty Bell" just like it is in the movie. The second result is "National Treasure movie corrections." Interesting. Also, you may recognize Agent Johnson (aka that blond FBI guy) as Jacob from LOST or the Blond Treehorn Thug from the Big Lebowski.

Movie quotability: 1/5

• "A toast. To high treason. That's what these men were committing when they signed the Declaration. Had we lost the war, they would have been hanged, beheaded, drawn and quartered, and- oh! Oh, my personal favorite- had their entrails cut out and *burned*!"
• "She really can't shut her mouth, can she?"
• "You're shouting again."
• "Not cool. Not cool." (while chasing a fleeing Abigail)
• "We need more juice. We need more heat."

Plot Holes:

• Long-lost revolutionary war ship Charlotte is buried under 3 inches of snow. 
• Of any part of the ship, Nic Cage conveniently first uncovers the bell, which has the ship's name on it. (Oh, I guess this is the right long-lost ship, then.)
• Etched message revealed by rolling bloody pipe on paper is way too long to fit on said pipe's circumference.
• Nic Cage's ancestors have had that same damn "secret lies with Charlotte" clue for six generations, but none of them ever moved beyond that first clue despite devoting their entire lives to it. Yet Nic Cage barrels through ALL the clues in one movie. And his dad goes on and on about "this clue will lead to another clue, and another clue" even though he has NEVER SEEN ANOTHER CLUE.
• Gunpowder wouldn't burn, just explode.
• Sean Bean says to run before someone sees the smoke, but they're in the middle of nowhere in the Arctic circle.
• Nic Cage reads whole paragraph of Declaration of Independence in husky, solemn voice without giggling. 
• Nic Cage is wearing John Travolta's outfit from Pulp Fiction. Wait, is that John Travolta??
• You could not raise the temperature in a thermometer that fast, even with a one-watt laser.
• Diane Kruger does not wash her hands all day after opening the pin from Nic Cage. And the residue doesn't rub off on any of the other things she touches between mid-day at the office and evening at the gala.  
• Supposedly professional criminals miss every shot, including one from a meter away with adequate time to aim. 
• They decide not to tie up Abigail, even though she has no reason to not run away.
• "Professional" archivist decides that it is OK to rub lemon juice all over the Declaration of Independence and take a blow drier to it.
• After hours of waiting to get all of the letters to the cipher from the Silent letters, Riley decides to leave before getting the last four letters; even though EVERY time he has made a guess about a clue so far he has been completely wrong.
• They do not sell bottles of water at Urban Outfitters
• Nic Cage easily cuts a brick out of a wall with a pocket knife.
• "Ian has nearly unlimited resources."
• Random Black lady is sassy. No, just kidding. That makes perfect sense.
• Nic Cage is supposed to be really smart, even though everyone knows he's a Scientologist. 
• Nic Cage pops up out of the river, somehow "safe" although he is clearly still within eyesight of the dock (not to mention the helicopter).
• Everyone keeps saying "Heere, spelled with two E's," although "here" has two E's and "heere" actually has three.
• Nic Cage kisses girls with his mouth closed.
• Wooden chandelier does not burn.
• Weak woman saves "thick" grown man from falling into bottomless pit (that was dug by freemasons).
• Ancient stone statue rocks like a piece for Styrofoam when punk kid hugs it.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.78/5	3.47/5
Martine	!Tapped out of the Cage!

#12 Face/Off

#12 Face/Off

Year: 1997

Director: John Woo

MPAA Rating:  R 

Epic Co-stars: John Travolta, Margaret Cho

Running Time: 138 mins.
Cage Time: 50%
Cage Kills: 13
Cage Flip-outs: 8

Martine's Review: I laughed.  I cried.  I dreamed of the slow sensual eating of a (my) peach for hours.  And that was just in the first 10 minutes.  Face/Off did more for me in 30 minutes than 10 Romantic-Comedies combined.  Nicolas Cage starts as Caster Troy, the most ruthless/sexiest super-villain to ever grace the planet earth.  Troy and his brother are terrorists for hire and are responsible for some of the most elaborate terrorist attacks in history.  Castor Troy constantly eludes his arch-nemesis Sean Archer (played by the totally love-handlishous John Travolta) who is a super secret government guy who basically can't even tell his wife what he has for lunch when he's at work.  A few really well thought out twists and turns later the two find themselves in each others bodies impersonating one another while also totally trying to execute their own agendas.  Wow, my juicy peach was on such a wild ride I didn't know up from down, left from right...


Two Nic Cages in one film?  This penetrated my psyche like nobody ever has before: double (psyche) penetration!  Cage as Archer softly tickled the freshly ripe side of my peach as I watched him perfectly portray a noble family man caught in the clutches of the seedy underworld of prison inmates and super-mega sex/drug lairs.  Initially I teared up when I saw Travolta crying out in pain after losing his child, but later when Cage had his turn at the same situation it was too much for me to handle.  I burst out into a full fit, whaling so loudly that my fellow viewers had to make frequent use of the pause button on the remote control.

Which one is Nicolas Cage?  Both of them.

Cage as Troy set ablaze my fully ripe and juicy side as he so confidently and joyously planned and executed mass destruction everywhere he went.  To see the way he cherished and charmed each and every lady he came into contact with made me feel just a drop of regret about the path my personal life has taken, the wife of an engineer who possesses less passion and sexual spontaneity in his entire body than Cage (as Troy, or anyone else for that matter) does in his little toe.

If this is what was waiting for me every Sunday I'd join the church choir in a second. 

With most films, looking beyond Nicolas Cage's performance is futile, but Face/Off still brings several strong and memorable points to mind.  John Woo dazzled me with sultry prison fights,  totally gross ears being shot off of guys heads, mystifying laser ear reconstruction and re-attachment to guys heads, hot guys getting faces lasered off, hot guys with other hotter guys faces, guys that used to be totally hot but now have no face and look totally sick, hot guys being shot by hotter guys with spear guns, totally rad sex/drug lairs with tons of people snorting coke and cussing up a storm, and high flying helicopter / jet / Hummer / boat chases that took my breath away.  I have to say the most heartwarming and simply beautiful moment of the film came during a quite innovative and imaginative music video of my all-time favorite song, "Somewhere over the Rainbow" performed by Olivia Newton-John.  The video exposes the sweet and almost beautiful innocence of a small child clutching a stuffed animal set to the even more beautiful back drop of tons of drugged-out maniacs murdering each other in the aforementioned totally rad drug/sex lair. 


All in all, I think Face/Off draws a close parallel to my own life.  The juxtaposition of my constant struggle between good and evil, my face's transformation from daughter to mother, or my slow but steady decent from a young and free barely-ripe peach into a slightly decayed and withered old piece of fruit trapped in a monotonous and thankless existence that reiterated daily by a loveless marriage and an empty relationship with a spoiled and unruly child.  Alas, at the end of the day none of this really matters because I know that at any point I can slip off my shoes, put in my VHS version of Face/Off, a get double penetrated by Nic Cage for two solid hours which is all a girl like me really wants or needs.

Movie quotability: 5/5

• "You know, I can uh... eat a peach for hours."
• "Goddammit! Don't play chicken with a goddamn jet!"
• "You're not having any fun, are you, Sean?"
• Troy: "Well, I have got to go. I've got a government job to abuse, and a lonely wife to fuck." [Archer sobs] Troy: "Oh, sorry... make love to."
• "I want to take his face... off."
• Dr Walsh: "What do you want?" Troy: "Take one god damn guess."
• "It's like looking in a mirror, only... not."
• Troy [reading Archer's wife's diary] "'Date night, fizzled again. We haven't had sex in two months.' ...what a loser."
• "This nose, this hair... this ridiculous chin."
• "Dress up like Halloween, and ghouls will try to get in your pants."
• "Oh well, Plan B. Let's just kill each other."

Plot Holes:
Basically the whole movie, including- 

• John Travola can drive as fast as a jet in a Humvee, and fly faster than a jet in a helicopter. 
• Your face can be pulled off like ham off a sandwich, not to mention stuck on someone else's skull and make them look exactly like you.
• Archer isn't allowed to tell ANYONE about switching faces with Troy (conveniently setting himself up to get screwed later). 
• Wife woken by husband coming home super late for work and wants to have sex with him. 
• After taking his face, the feds keep Castor Troy's body alive for no apparent reason.
• Nic Cage sent to prison as Troy to get info from Pollux, although it seems like they could have just set up a brief meeting to accomplish the same purpose.
• People heal superfast from facial surgery.
• Archer has been following Troy for years, but how does Troy know about Archer's family?
• Archer (as Troy) could still save everyone by telling the cops about the bomb at the Convention Center. 
• Prison has "System Overload" button.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Outstanding	Outstanding
Shauna
James	4.44	4.13
Martine	!Did Her Nails and Read Her Book in the Cage!