#22 National Treasure

#22 National Treasure

Year: 2004

Director: Jon Turteltaub
MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Jon Voight, Harvey Keitel

Running Time: 131 mins
Cage Time: 90%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Skyler's Review: 

This movie was written by a high school Social Studies teacher that was trying to pique the interest of her students to learn about US History. She was a fan of the Cage and totally in a rage that Nic was not chosen to play the lead in the Da Vinci Code; instead they got Woody from Toy Story, an odd choice. She basically took the identical plot from Dan Brown and adapted it to US History, and National Treasure was born.

I'm not going to discuss all of the plot holes, since there are many and we recorded them below, but the story goes like this:  The Gates family for six generations have been trying to find the long lost National Treasure, because they received a clue: "The secret lies with Charlotte". For six generations, each Gates patriarch has wasted 10-20 years looking for the treasure. What they were each doing for 20 years is beyond my comprehension, because they each made ZERO progress as to what the hell the clue even means.

Enter Nic Cage.

From studying Social Studies and US History, he is about to get RICH!!! (see kids, Soc. Studs. is important, you could get rich; and the hot girl) Nic (Ben Gates) first realizes that Charlotte is the name of a ship and he finds it, leading to another clue!!! This is HUGE progress over the last 6 Gates' hunts. 

Let's rub household chemicals, including citric acid, all over the Declaration of Independence.  What is the worst that could happen? (Nothing bad happens)

When Ben goes to his Dad to show him the great breakthrough, his dad says "Don't waste your time! It will just lead to another clue, and another clue, and another clue..." Ben retorts with "Like, when has that ever happened to you dad, solving a clue, I mean?" His dad's eyes stare off into space; Ben's dad pulls out a sword and says "This is George Washington's actual sword that he carried during the crossing of the Delaware...and I am a failure! (sobbing)" and he falls on the sword.

It doesn't go exactly like that, but close enough.

Basically the rest of the movie involves the curator of the Declaration of Independence being cool with dumping acids on the real, genuine document. The hot chick falls for the comely Nic Cage, and not his more age-appropriate sidekick. But will they find the treasure? You will have to watch the movie to find out! (there is a National Treasure 2, and NT3 has been announced)

Just like real life.

Overall this movie is great for Cage fans that like kooky heist action movies. Plus it's fine for kids of any age.

Fun fact! If you look up "STOW, Declaration of Independence" on yahoo (like Sean Bean does in this movie), the first result actually IS "Liberty Bell" just like it is in the movie. The second result is "National Treasure movie corrections." Interesting. Also, you may recognize Agent Johnson (aka that blond FBI guy) as Jacob from LOST or the Blond Treehorn Thug from the Big Lebowski.

Movie quotability: 1/5

• "A toast. To high treason. That's what these men were committing when they signed the Declaration. Had we lost the war, they would have been hanged, beheaded, drawn and quartered, and- oh! Oh, my personal favorite- had their entrails cut out and *burned*!"
• "She really can't shut her mouth, can she?"
• "You're shouting again."
• "Not cool. Not cool." (while chasing a fleeing Abigail)
• "We need more juice. We need more heat."

Plot Holes:

• Long-lost revolutionary war ship Charlotte is buried under 3 inches of snow. 
• Of any part of the ship, Nic Cage conveniently first uncovers the bell, which has the ship's name on it. (Oh, I guess this is the right long-lost ship, then.)
• Etched message revealed by rolling bloody pipe on paper is way too long to fit on said pipe's circumference.
• Nic Cage's ancestors have had that same damn "secret lies with Charlotte" clue for six generations, but none of them ever moved beyond that first clue despite devoting their entire lives to it. Yet Nic Cage barrels through ALL the clues in one movie. And his dad goes on and on about "this clue will lead to another clue, and another clue" even though he has NEVER SEEN ANOTHER CLUE.
• Gunpowder wouldn't burn, just explode.
• Sean Bean says to run before someone sees the smoke, but they're in the middle of nowhere in the Arctic circle.
• Nic Cage reads whole paragraph of Declaration of Independence in husky, solemn voice without giggling. 
• Nic Cage is wearing John Travolta's outfit from Pulp Fiction. Wait, is that John Travolta??
• You could not raise the temperature in a thermometer that fast, even with a one-watt laser.
• Diane Kruger does not wash her hands all day after opening the pin from Nic Cage. And the residue doesn't rub off on any of the other things she touches between mid-day at the office and evening at the gala.  
• Supposedly professional criminals miss every shot, including one from a meter away with adequate time to aim. 
• They decide not to tie up Abigail, even though she has no reason to not run away.
• "Professional" archivist decides that it is OK to rub lemon juice all over the Declaration of Independence and take a blow drier to it.
• After hours of waiting to get all of the letters to the cipher from the Silent letters, Riley decides to leave before getting the last four letters; even though EVERY time he has made a guess about a clue so far he has been completely wrong.
• They do not sell bottles of water at Urban Outfitters
• Nic Cage easily cuts a brick out of a wall with a pocket knife.
• "Ian has nearly unlimited resources."
• Random Black lady is sassy. No, just kidding. That makes perfect sense.
• Nic Cage is supposed to be really smart, even though everyone knows he's a Scientologist. 
• Nic Cage pops up out of the river, somehow "safe" although he is clearly still within eyesight of the dock (not to mention the helicopter).
• Everyone keeps saying "Heere, spelled with two E's," although "here" has two E's and "heere" actually has three.
• Nic Cage kisses girls with his mouth closed.
• Wooden chandelier does not burn.
• Weak woman saves "thick" grown man from falling into bottomless pit (that was dug by freemasons).
• Ancient stone statue rocks like a piece for Styrofoam when punk kid hugs it.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.78/5	3.47/5
Martine	!Tapped out of the Cage!

#11 Trapped in Paradise

#11 Trapped in Paradise

Year: 1994

Director: George Gallo

MPAA Rating:  PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: Jon Lovitz, Dana Carvey

Running Time: 111 mins.

Cage Time: ~95%

Cage Kills: 0

Cage Flip-outs: 8

Skyler's Review: You may think that a lighthearted Christmas comedy starring Nic Cage can only be great, a must see, even. This was my original thinking, too. However, now I am fully aware that there are really only three reasons to put this movie on your television:

1. You are trying to complete the A Year In the Cage challenge. 
2. You actually want to go to the park, but you can't quite get up the motivation.
3. You hate yourself.

For me, it was the first one. Although, by the end it may have been the third one. The feeling that I had during the movie was similar to how I felt toward the end of the Lord of the Rings: this movie is good, but why is it so, so long? Except this movie isn't good. 

This picture, right-to-left was like the movie. Off to an OK start, exudes excellence in the middle, and (like Dana Carvey's career) goes on far too long in the end.

This isn't to say that this movie didn't have some funny moments. Nicolas Cage delivers an impeccable performance that is funny and nuanced. Juxtapose this with Dana Carvey's performance which was on par with his usual caliber, i.e. awful. If you are deciding to watch this film, and you want to finish it (so, you are not watching for reason #2), don't make the dreadful mistake that we did. Hide all of your clocks, remove your watch, disable any alarms. Our mistake was that when the movie felt like it was about over, a member of our group needed to go to the toilet. In keeping with the rules of A Year in the Cage, we paused the movie...revealing the actual time remaining in the movie: 45 minutes! (gasp) Shear willpower kept us going. It was like living out the scene from A Clockwork Orange.

Please, Dana; look into my shades, and Never. (point fingers into air suddenly) Speak. (open hands violently) Again. (throw arms down quickly)

OK so now you know how I feel about the film, let's go over the premise of this movie. Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey are getting paroled from jail, and straight-shooting Nic Cage has to pick them up. Cage knows that his brothers are up to no good and will have some sort of plan to rob or steal something. They trick Nic into driving them over state lines (parole violation) to rob a bank in the small town of Paradise, PA. Jon says some funny stuff about yoga, Nic flips out in a funny way, and Dana acts like an idiot. The three rob the bank and fix to leave, when (would you believe it!!!) they get trapped there due to snow. Jon talks about leaving, Nic talks about his moral compass, and Dana talks like a moron. Things happen; none of it really believable. People in the movie seem to like Dana Carvey's character. To make the movie more fun to watch, try predicting what is about to happen. The fun part is that you are always right; except Dana Carvey's character lives.

Movie quotability 1/5:

• "Yeeeeessss, I wanted to talk to her."

• "Edna?  Are we sleeping together?  I don't think so, you call me Mrs. Firpo!"

• "Oh my god a GUUUNNN!"

• "Why don't you let me do the crackin' and you do the jackin'"

• "But I swear we ain't the same people we were this morning."

Plot Holes:

• Everything about Dana Carvey's character.

• Local police have a gymnasium full of maps and charts within a couple hours of the robbery.

• Three idiot brothers walk away unharmed from what would otherwise be a fatal car accident.

• Dumbest bank manager/manager's wife don't recognize three strangers with very distinct voices.

• A relatively still stream suddenly turns into a waterfall the second someone falls out of the boat.

• A horse pulling a sleigh can travel up the freeway at the same speed as a car.

• Morons think they need to put the money back in the vault rather than placing it right outside the door... or anywhere else in or near the fucking bank! 

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Outstanding	Dreadful
Shauna
James	3.62/5	1.7/5
Martine	!Trapped in the Cage!