#21 It Could Happen to You

#21 It Could Happen to You

Year: 1994

Director: Andrew Bergman

MPAA Rating: PG 

Epic Co-stars: Rosie Perez, Stanley Tucci

Running Time: 101 mins
Cage Time: 95%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 2

Shauna's Review: 
It's no wonder that this movie is rated PG, because the story was clearly intended to appeal to the 12-and-under crowd. The plot has all the complex facets and unpredictable plot twists of a Disney  channel made-for-TV movie. Charlie Lang (Nic Cage) is an utterly wholesome and self-righteous cop who lives in Queens. He is so staunchly, boringly good that you could almost start to sympathize with his wholly greedy wife, Muriel, were she not played by the singularly irritating Rosie Perez, who has a voice like the Hispanic love child of Fran Drescher and Steve Urkel. She is as flatly selfish as he is unselfish, and it's apparent from the beginning that we are supposed to be hoping that Prince Charlie will find a way out of his marriage to the Evil Queen. 

I am SO GOOD at Photoshop. 

Luckily, we spot Cinderella (the ponderously named Yvonne Biasi, played by Bridget Fonda) almost immediately. Poor Cinderella is broke as a result of her marriage to a terrible villain, er, actor, and is adorably cranky when she meets Prince Charlie in the coffee shop where she works. Prince Charlie is disproportionately distraught not to have enough cash for a tip on two cups of coffee, and offers Cinderella half of his hypothetical lottery winnings from tonight's Powerball. Spoiler! He wins $4 million and is staunchly determined to keep his promise, despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that it will obviously ruin his marriage. Anyway, the rest of it's pretty straightforward-- the villains act greedily and selfishly, the heroes act honorably and unselfishly, movie justice prevails, etc. 


The primary problem with this movie is that Cage was cast as the hero, rather than the villain. Rosie Perez is in a near-constant state of hysteria, which I think is really Cage's area of expertise. To see him in a boring haircut, with a sub-normal amount of rage and virtually no violent tendencies is really a waste of his talent. I can imagine a movie where Bridget Fonda plays the sweet, emotionally battered wife to Cage's volatile, almost frighteningly greedy and selfish bastard of a husband. They win the lottery and she wants to give the money away, he stalks her around Queens like Death in Final Destination. Hilarity ensues! Now THAT's a rom-com I could get behind. 

Or Nic Cage AS Rosie Perez-- that would also make an excellent film. 

If you liked Moonstruck, but wished that it were a bit more predictable, you might like this movie. If you are twelve and a girl, you might like this movie. If you are able to discuss what Bridget Fonda's nipples may or may not look like for approximately an hour and a half, you may stay awake during this movie. Otherwise....

Seriously, what is up with those boobies?

Movie quotability: 0/5

• "The veins, they're bulging out of your neck.... You look like a psycho."
• "Decaf, please. I've reached my target heart rate for the day."

Plot Holes:

• Mad scientist works at a crappy diner. 
• Rosie Perez flips out instead of Nic Cage. Many, many times.
• Too many white people live in Queens.
• Nic Cage: "Is anybody here?" while Bridget Fonda is sitting in a booth 6 feet away.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Acceptable	Acceptable
Shauna
James	1.05/5	1.98/5
Martine	!Fell asleep in the Cage!

#11 Trapped in Paradise

#11 Trapped in Paradise

Year: 1994

Director: George Gallo

MPAA Rating:  PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: Jon Lovitz, Dana Carvey

Running Time: 111 mins.

Cage Time: ~95%

Cage Kills: 0

Cage Flip-outs: 8

Skyler's Review: You may think that a lighthearted Christmas comedy starring Nic Cage can only be great, a must see, even. This was my original thinking, too. However, now I am fully aware that there are really only three reasons to put this movie on your television:

1. You are trying to complete the A Year In the Cage challenge. 
2. You actually want to go to the park, but you can't quite get up the motivation.
3. You hate yourself.

For me, it was the first one. Although, by the end it may have been the third one. The feeling that I had during the movie was similar to how I felt toward the end of the Lord of the Rings: this movie is good, but why is it so, so long? Except this movie isn't good. 

This picture, right-to-left was like the movie. Off to an OK start, exudes excellence in the middle, and (like Dana Carvey's career) goes on far too long in the end.

This isn't to say that this movie didn't have some funny moments. Nicolas Cage delivers an impeccable performance that is funny and nuanced. Juxtapose this with Dana Carvey's performance which was on par with his usual caliber, i.e. awful. If you are deciding to watch this film, and you want to finish it (so, you are not watching for reason #2), don't make the dreadful mistake that we did. Hide all of your clocks, remove your watch, disable any alarms. Our mistake was that when the movie felt like it was about over, a member of our group needed to go to the toilet. In keeping with the rules of A Year in the Cage, we paused the movie...revealing the actual time remaining in the movie: 45 minutes! (gasp) Shear willpower kept us going. It was like living out the scene from A Clockwork Orange.

Please, Dana; look into my shades, and Never. (point fingers into air suddenly) Speak. (open hands violently) Again. (throw arms down quickly)

OK so now you know how I feel about the film, let's go over the premise of this movie. Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey are getting paroled from jail, and straight-shooting Nic Cage has to pick them up. Cage knows that his brothers are up to no good and will have some sort of plan to rob or steal something. They trick Nic into driving them over state lines (parole violation) to rob a bank in the small town of Paradise, PA. Jon says some funny stuff about yoga, Nic flips out in a funny way, and Dana acts like an idiot. The three rob the bank and fix to leave, when (would you believe it!!!) they get trapped there due to snow. Jon talks about leaving, Nic talks about his moral compass, and Dana talks like a moron. Things happen; none of it really believable. People in the movie seem to like Dana Carvey's character. To make the movie more fun to watch, try predicting what is about to happen. The fun part is that you are always right; except Dana Carvey's character lives.

Movie quotability 1/5:

• "Yeeeeessss, I wanted to talk to her."

• "Edna?  Are we sleeping together?  I don't think so, you call me Mrs. Firpo!"

• "Oh my god a GUUUNNN!"

• "Why don't you let me do the crackin' and you do the jackin'"

• "But I swear we ain't the same people we were this morning."

Plot Holes:

• Everything about Dana Carvey's character.

• Local police have a gymnasium full of maps and charts within a couple hours of the robbery.

• Three idiot brothers walk away unharmed from what would otherwise be a fatal car accident.

• Dumbest bank manager/manager's wife don't recognize three strangers with very distinct voices.

• A relatively still stream suddenly turns into a waterfall the second someone falls out of the boat.

• A horse pulling a sleigh can travel up the freeway at the same speed as a car.

• Morons think they need to put the money back in the vault rather than placing it right outside the door... or anywhere else in or near the fucking bank! 

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Outstanding	Dreadful
Shauna
James	3.62/5	1.7/5
Martine	!Trapped in the Cage!

#2 Guarding Tess

#2 Guarding Tess

Year: 1994

Director: Hugh Wilson
MPAA Rating: PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: Richard Griffiths, Shirley MacLaine

Running Time: 96 mins
Cage Time: ~99%
Cage Kills:  0.1 
Cage Flip-outs: 6

James' Review:  Some sparks really fly (but mostly fizzle) when Doug Chesnic is placed on security duty for a miserable old iron-box bitch that happens to be the widow of a nameless/faceless former US president.  A young clean-cut Nick Cage does about all he can with the somewhat robotic role of a FBI security agent who appears to hate his job despite having literally no external friends, family, lovers or any other human relationships mentioned throughout the film.  

Early on as the story presented an unexplained and unwarranted affection the ex-first lady had for Mr. Chesnic, I found myself with a growing excitement that this was the ground work for an ultra-hot and raunchy inter-generational sex scene that would allow an exceptionally gifted actor such as Nicolas Cage to really show off his range as a performer.  Alas, this affection turned out to be the result of severely mediocre script writing that requires unexplained actions and emotions from the characters just to advance the story line.  

At the end of the day, I have to assume that Mr. Cage chose this role as a challenge to himself to see if he could turn water into wine, or in this case, mostly bull-shit writing and flat co-stars into a highly enjoyable 90 minute escape from reality for his fans.  And to this I only have to say, "Well Played Sir, you have done it again."

Quotes:

• "I'd choose Mr. Ed in a second."
• "I merely... removed the bud."
• "Why don't you just go to hell... okay Douggie?"
• "Get in the god-damned chair."

Plot Holes:

• Frederick makes a 36 inch cheese sandwich and doesn't immediately consume it. 
• SPOILER: Old lady said she had brain cancer within the first 5 minutes of the movie.
• SPOILER: Old lady was followed by several agents to medical center for mysterious visit, but nobody inquired why she was there.
• SPOILER: When old lady was dying in helicopter, the feds and locals had some sort of long and drawn out musical chair session where she seemed to be the last thing on anyone's mind.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Below Expectation	Below Expectations
Shauna
James	1.5/5	3.08/5
Martine	!Stayed in the cage!