#64 Vampire's Kiss

#64 Vampire's Kiss

Year: 1988

Director: Robert Bierman

MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: Jennifer Beals

Running Time: 103 mins
Cage Time: 99.5%
Cage Kills: 1
Cage Flip-outs: 8/infinity

Shauna's Review: 

Skyler and James have been creaming their pants to watch this movie for about 11 months (ever since they saw this video, which you may have already seen in the sidebar, to your right). Vampire's Kiss fills the first 49 seconds with some prime Cage-outs. Suffice it to say, you should obviously watch that video immediately, if you haven't, and get equally juiced up about watching this cinematic masterpiece.

Really sink your teeth into it. 

We open to an annoyingly long and misleadingly dull opening credits scene. Fortunately, the first voice you hear is Cage's dulcet timbre, complete with a wildly fake accent, 50% New England prep-schooler, 200% insane. He is lying on a leather couch, discussing his fear of commitment with his therapist in a stylish New York office. Cage describes how he brings home an endless string of women, immediately tiring of them in the morning, which means... he holds interest for about 8 hours longer than most men. He seems to think this means he needs therapy.

Cage goes to a jazz club and picks up a drunken floozy, bringing her back to his place for some fun, unfortunately interrupted by a bat loose in his apartment. Upon later returning to his apartment (sans floozy), Cage can't find the bat anywhere. The next night, Cage picks up a different woman (Jennifer Beals, aka that girl from Flashdance) who turns out to be a VAMPIRE! TERRIFYING! Cage goes to bring her coffee in bed in the morning, and she has suddenly DISAPPEARED!

Being a public figure tends to make one tense in a crowd. 

From the bite marks on his neck, Cage begins to suspect that he has become a vampire, and his behavior becomes increasingly erratic. He becomes obsessed with a document at work and harasses the shit out of some poor secretary because she is not able to find it. It becomes the focus of his therapy sessions and consumes, bizarrely, a great deal of his time and energy. It's pretty fucking hysterical.

There are just SO MANY SCENES I want to share with you from this movie, but I won't, because you really have to see them to appreciate it. I wouldn't want to steal any WTF moments from you. Let's just say... they could have put about 50% of this movie into that YouTube video without any problems. Some of my more favorite moments: Alva's mom, getting the cheap teeth, Cage in Tunnel, the sofa coffin (see below), Alva's "pep talk," and of course the pigeon. Don't miss the commentary-- highly recommend getting this on DVD so you can hear Cage and the director muse (maybe 20 years later) about what may or may not have happened on the set of this film.

In sum, a darkly hilarious Cage gem, reminiscent of American Psycho and Dracula, Dead and Loving It (although it pre-dated both of them). Absolutely not appropriate for the whole family, but you should definitely watch it with them anyway, because everyone should see this movie.

Movie quotability:

• "I was in mortal combat with a fucking bat, give me a break!"
• "Oh yes, ok I know. Uh, I guess I was pretty horny... pretty keyed up from being with a girl right before. I was drunk, too, that was it. I'd had a little to drink. I was drunk. Plus I was horny."
• "Fucking greasehole!"
• "WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME??"
• "How could somebody misfile something? It couldn't be easier, it's all alphabetical! (screams alphabet) I've never misfiled anything! Not once, not one time! I want to know, really, who did?!"
• "That mescaline, wow. Does strange stuff. I'll never do that again. Jeez."
• "There is no one else here who I could possibly ask to share such a terrible job."
• "Are you all right, Mr Loew?" "Shut up, bitch."
• "I'm a vampire!" (etc)
• "My girlfriend broke up with me! I'm a vampire! Kill me! Kill me!"
• "Christ! The tortures of the damned!"

Plot Holes:

• Self-professed commitment phobe ends up in two romantic relationships (floozy, Beals). 

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Outstanding	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	4.99/5	4.21/5
Martine	!Incredibly, fell asleep in the Cage!

#63 Time To Kill

#63 Time To Kill (Tempo di uccidere)

Year: 1989

Director: Giuliano Montaldo
MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: Giancarlo Giannini (James Bond's friend Rene)

Running Time: 110 mins
Cage Time: 
Cage Kills: 1
Cage Flip-outs: 3

Shauna's Review: 
OK so to understand the hilarity of this movie, I have to explain the experience of watching the copy we found on thepiratebay. This is a film about Italian soldiers invading Ethiopia in 1936. The cast are all Italian actors; the director is Italian; Nic Cage (Coppola) is an Italian-American, but the rest of them actually are Italian-Italians. However, this movie was filmed in English. But the version we found was DUBBED back into Italian. They then translated that dialogue into English, so the subtitles are a terrible translation of  a translation. Italian actors, speaking English, dubbed in Italian, subtitled in English. The upshot of all this is that A) it's hard to follow what the fuck is happening (something about a toothache?), and B) we are forced to hear some lame voice coming out of Nic Cage's beautiful face. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that a Nic Cage movie without that signature Cage-style delivery is no Cage movie at all.

Don't make me watch this movie again, goddammit! 

Lieutenant Silvestri suffers a toothache and decides to reach the nearest camp hospital. En route to the dentist his vehicle has an accident, and stops near a rock. Silvestri continues by walking. On his way, he meets and rapes a young Ethiopian woman. Despite this, he and the Ethiopian fall for each other. While taking refuge in a cave Silvestri shoots at a wild animal, but the bullet ricochets and hits the woman. Silvestri continues to the dentist. Upon reaching the hospital, he reads a medical book, leading him to believe he has leprosy. As he tries to escape from Ethiopia, Silvestri must evade his former comrades and reach his wife in Italy. 

But I am very handsome. 

The guys decided you should just watch this instead: 

Movie quotability:

• Huge space to fill with our silly greatness.
• How can lives one person... with a bullet in the abdomen.
• What did "go"?
• When I was putting the clock wrist, she looked at me.
• Why is your sister has a white turban? Because he is sick?
• I and I is not got.
• She was sick. [Actual translation: She was not sick]. This would seem more relevant if you had watched the movie, which let's face it... you didn't. 

Plot Holes:

• Subtitles executed too poorly to know.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Poor	Dreadful
Shauna
James	3.07/5.00	1.31/5.00
Martine	!Dozed off in the CAGE!

#61 Valley Girl

#61 Valley Girl

Year: 1983

Director:  Martha Coolidge

MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: Elizabeth Daily, aka Dotty from Pee Wee's Big Adventure

Running Time: 99 mins
Cage Time: 50%
Cage Kills: 
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Skyler's Review: Valley Girl is a modern spin on the Romeo and Juliet story. Elizabeth Daily plays Julia, and our hero Nicolas Cage is Randy. Randy and Julia.

Julia is a popular girl from The Valley has an on-again-off-again boyfriend whom is the the most popular dude in this school. He is terrible, and treats her terribly, but he is the coolest so she chooses to stay with him for the status of it. One day, Julia and her friends are chilling at the beach Julia catches a glimpse of the rockin' bod of Randy. He doesn't seem to notice/care that she is there, while clandestinely observing her and strategizing with his buddy Fred (who represents Mercutio). Randy puts on a show by flexing and looking awesome but making it look like he thinks no one is watching (like this is normal behavior). Fred finds out about a party in The Valley, and Fred and Randy decide to go to meet some chicks. It just so happens that Julia is at this very party.

Randy (Romeo) with his friend (Mercutio) at a party trying to get chicks from The Valley.

Randy falls in love with Julia immediately, but is thrown out of the party by Julia's boyfriend whom feels threatened. Randy sneaks back into the party by hiding in the bathroom until Julia needs to use the facility. Randy then jumps out of the shower and asks her to ditch the party and go with him to have some "real fun." Randy takes her to a music bar and shows his true punk side. Julia falls in love with Randy and has to decide whether to do the socially prudent thing (date the cool guy she hates) or follow her heart (date Randy). I won't spoil the end for you, but I can bet you can guess the end.

Nicolas Cage as Randy looks as dashing as always. Elizabeth Daly looks OK. Maybe the style of beauty has changed. Look at that hair! (Cage, not Daly)

When the movie begins, the Romeo & Juliet thing is pretty subtle, so we felt pretty clever once we figured it out. But as the movie goes on, they start to beat you over the head about it, including a large ROMEO & JULIET on a playbill for a show in town.

The highlight of this movie is that Nic Cage shaved his chest hair into the shape of a bird, no joke. When he has his shirt off at the beach you can see that he shaved his chest hair down from his neck, but what is left looks like a majestic phoenix. Good stuff.

Oh, and by the way, Dotty from PeeWee Herman's Great Adventure is in this film.

Toward the end, during the obligatory prom scene, Josie Cotton and her band are on stage and sing the entire "Johnny are you Queer?" song. That was a nice touch.

Movie quotability:

• "What is this movie rated? What are the chances of me seeing these teenage girls naked?" -James
• "Why don't you just punish me like Stacy's parents do?" "Bad karma."
• I just came over here to say I love you. (She breaks up w/him). I know what this is! Your fucking friends! Fuck you! Fuck off. For sure. Like totally.

Plot Holes:

• No rearview mirror in the student driver car.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Outstanding	Acceptable
Shauna
James	4.08/5.00	3.46/5.00
Martine	!On the computer in the CAGE!

#60 Wild at Heart

#60 Wild at Heart

Year: 1990

Director: David Lynch
MPAA Rating: NC-17

Epic Co-stars: Laura Dern, Willem Dafoe, Crispin Glover

Running Time: 125 mins
Cage Time: 95%
Cage Kills: 2
Cage Flip-outs: 2

James' Review: Have you ever thought to yourself 'I love Natural Born Killers, but I wish it had a bit less social commentary on the US media, slightly more ridiculous characters, a hell of a lot more Cage, and was just a bit more weird'?  If you have, consider yourself in luck.  And if you haven't then you probably haven't seen Natural Born Killers (you should see it, it's great).  Overall, Wild at Heart is pretty tame by Lynch's standards; the story is generally coherent, the characters are recognizable throughout the film, and at no point do we see a giant skinless deer.  Despite it's relative tame demeanor, it still provides plenty of excellent (non-tame) Cage along with Lynch style subject matter that many "Cage Fans" (I'm not sure if you should be offended by this or not, so go ahead and get offended but if you're the type who gets offended a lot  then you probably shouldn't be reading this in the first place) will be able to get behind.

It's a good thing Nic Cage wasn't around in the 50's because James Dean wouldn't have stood a chance. 

Sailor Ripley (Cage) and Lula Fortune (Laura Dern) are star-crossed lovers with the entire wide world ahead of them.  Unfortunately, part of this wide world turns out to be a total creeper with a knife who needs to be set straight (beaten to death) by Cage which ends up landing him 2 years in the slammer.  Upon his exit, his always faithful sweetheart is right there to pick him up and give him a snakeskin jacket along with two years of pleasure all at once.  Unfortunately (again, they tend to wind up on the unfortunate side of things quite often) Lula's mother,  Marietta Fortune, also wants a piece of the Cage and decides that if she can't have him nobody can.   Before we know it Cage (who has just kicked the shit out of yet another guy) and Fortune hit the road to get out of town while being tracked by a PI and the mob, both of who have been hired by the wonderfully vindictive Marietta Fortune to eliminate Sailor Ripley.

"Big Tuna" or bust.

As young lovers often do, they soon find themselves short on cash. They head to the town of Big Tuna, Texas where Cage can reunite with some of his rather un-savory 'ol buddies to try and scrape up a little extra cash.  Enter one of the best supporting actor roles we've seen in a Cage movie thus far:  Willem Dafoe (playing Bobby Peru, one of the creepiest mob bosses you've ever seen).  But wait, is the wonderful and charming (as Lula finds out in a rather spectacular way) Bobby Peru really on their side?  Or does he have his own motives in mind?...

Cage makes love in public with his clothes on...

Throughout the film we are constantly presented with a rather (intentionally) blatant juxtaposition of Sailor Ripley as a classic gentlemanly heartthrob, and a savage animal who can't be controlled by himself or anyone else.  In addition, many of the characters are  eccentric to the point of being charming, even when they are anything but (i.e.  Bobby Peru (Warning this scene is a wonderfully creepy and violent HUGE spoiler so only watch if you won't ever watch this movie, or you don't care about spoilers, but just want to some excellent Cage on Dafoe action)).  Even the locations seem to have an eccentric quality that helps Lynch create a world that is fun to watch even if it is beyond the realm of anything believable.  

... and in private with his clothes off.

The previously mentioned eccentric juxtapositions may have been devised by Lynch, but it was fully executed (flawlessly) by Cage.  In Wild at Heart, Cage not only shows his range as an actor, but shows his ability to put this range into a single cohesive character.  He wears a snakeskin jacket, has perfect hair, tons of sex, drives a convertible, kicks ass, takes names, kicks more ass, protects his woman, kicks the shit out of people, and sings songs by Elvis.  What more could anyone ever really ask for?

I think this is from the film but I can't be sure.  Regardless, this picture is too good not to post. 

Movie quotability:

• "Rockin' good news" (slaps ass)
• "This is a snakeskin jacket! And for me it's a symbol of my individuality, and my belief... in personal freedom."
• "I guess I started smoking when I was about....  4.  My mom had already died from lung cancer."
• "I swear baby, you've got the sweetest cock."
• "Man I had a boner with a capital O."

Plot Holes:

• This is a David Lynch movie, so the whole thing is a plot hole.
• They never stop for gas.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Acceptable	Dreadful
Shauna
James	3.61/5	3.85/5
Martine	!Half watched the CAGE!

#58 Birdy

#58 Birdy

Year: 1984

Director: Alan Parker

MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: Matthew Modine

Running Time: 120 mins
Cage Time: 85%
Cage Kills: 0 
Cage Flip-outs: 5

James' Stream of Conscience:
Al Columbato (NIc Cage) just got out of a military hospital and has bandages all over his face.  While on the train he drifts off while muttering something about "Birdy" and what he put him through when they were kids.  Cage was a popular kid who befriends "Birdy", a outcast who captures and trains pigeons.  Together they build a pigeon coup and use special home-made bird costumes to capture birds from a mill at night. Birdy takes a huge fall and doesn't seem to care.  He's just happy that he got to fly.

In present day, Cage arrives in a military mental hospital.  Birdy is locked up in a cell and doesn't communicate with anyone.  He is crouched in the corner and appears to have severe mental damage.  Cage is there to help the doctors figure out what the hell is wrong with Birdy.  Queue dramatic Cage-Birdy 1 on 1 in a prison cell. 

Nic Cage is virtually the only person on earth that can make love to another man in a bird costume and still look totally awesome doing it.

1st attempt:  Cage tries to talk about old times and remember the good ones.  No dice, Birdy won't say a word to him and doesn't even really look at him.
2nd attempt:  Cage is frustrated, even slightly angry with Birdy.  Still nothing.
3rd attempt:  Cage gets real.  He talks life and philosophy but Birdy remains in the same twisted squatting pose that he's always been in.
4th attempt:  Cage feeds Birdy.  Birdy eats.  Birdy makes eye contact.
5th attempt:  Cage Jokes...  BIRDY SMILES!
6th attempt:  Sponge bath with the nurse.  Cage makes a good move by just observing
7th attempt:  Pure Cage rage all directed towards Birdy.  Birdy cries.  Cage leaves.  Cage cries.  
8th attempt:  Baseballs...

A face that only a mother could love.  ...and a father.   ...and every other person on the face of the earth.

Back in the day, more memories flow by.  They steal a car and drive to the beach.  Cage nails a chick while Birdy creeps out her friend and drives them away.  Cage looks pissed; blue balls for sure.  Birdy can't stop thinking about birds, not chicks, birds.  He stays up all night playing with birds, creates amazing Di Vinci style flying machines, gives school reports on feathers, and even homemade human sized wings that may just allow him to finally bridge the human-avian divide.  

Bottom line:  This movie isn't bad.  If you want to see something a bit out of the ordinary with plenty of young Charming Cage, Birdy is the film for you.  And even if you find that it isn't the film for you stick around for the ending.  The final 2 minutes are probably the best 2 minutes in the entire film.  

Movie quotability:

• (whispers) "Sure you feel like it."
• "I want to go back and change, I look stupid."  "Not to a bird Al."
• "You're wrong! They're dead: plucked and fucked!"
• "Whoa, his foot looks like a weird giant dong." - James
• "Mammary glands?  MAMMARY GLANDS?!?  No, we're talking tits here! Big tits...  Round tits...  Fleshy tits...  Full tits..."
• "This fucking fucker's fucked" (Cage's Dad when trying to start the car, but used again by Cage 9 years later in Deadfall)
• "This guy's really into birds." - Skyler

Plot Holes:

• Anytime anything exciting happens La Bamba plays.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.81/5	3.22/5
Martine	!Huffed her blankey while being fixated on the Cage!

#57 The Boy in Blue

#57 The Boy in Blue

Year: 1986

Director: Charles Jarrot
MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: A guy that looks like Robert Downey Jr, Christopher Plummer

Running Time: 100 minutes
Cage Time: 100%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 4

Shauna's Review: 

Boy in Blue is a period film about sculling (rowing), which the intro text tells us was basically the only sport in the era that this film is set. We open to Nic Cage kicking some ass in a race, where everyone's wearing dirty (period) clothing and rowing to 80's music, inexplicably. Cage tries to smuggle some moonshine   into America (presumably his night job) and is chased down by some policemen/ religious nuttos. He ends up on a boat to Philadelphia with a man who wants to manage him in some American races. Sporting movie type cliches go here.

Cage, so hot right now, Cage.

Martine is creaming her pants about this movie about 2 minutes in. His teeth aren't great, but he is young and super-ripped and HAWT. Yum. My favorite moment so far is when James says, "This is pretty much what Canada was like then," about a scene where the characters are at a circus in Philadelphia, all waving American flags, in case you missed the part where they said they were going to Philly. Anyway, the subject material isn't all that riveting-- it's based on the true story of Ned Hanlan, a Canadian who was one of the first rowers to use a sliding seat. Yes, a sliding seat pulls a lot of focus in this movie.

I'm young and pretty, give me some money.

TRIVIA: The steamboat shown in this movie is the oldest operating steam powered vessel in North America today. Woot. If you take a quick gander at Ned Hanlan's wikipedia page, you will see that this movie is very loosely based on his life. Best not to dwell on such things and just stare into those dreamy blue eyes, or gaze at those sweaty laterals.

This gun tastes terrible! Where have you been keeping it, in your ass?

In sum, I think it's worth seeing Cage in this movie, if only to see his rippling seating muscles, tight ass, and humongous sweatpants bulge. There are also some sexy lady bits, if that's more what you're into. But Cage is the real gem here-- young, handsome, and already earnest about investing himself fully into each character.

Movie quotability:

• "Should we let them finish, sir?"
• "The Boy in Blue." "That makes me sound like some kind of fancy boy!"
• "You take the two on the right." "YOU take the two on the right."
• "Big words don't butter the beans."
• "Well, they say I look bigger with my clothes off."
• "SHE'S FINE, BUGGER OFF."

Plot Holes:

• Characters in America drinking booze.
• Souvenir pillowcases are a thing. 
• James says the clock in the background of the movie at 1:20 does not make sense.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.08/5	2.91/5
Martine	Hot and bothered in the Cage.

#55 Never on Tuesday

#55 Never on Tuesday

Year: 1989

Director: Adam Rifkin

MPAA Rating:

Epic Co-stars: Gilbert Gottfried, Charlie Sheen, the coach from Mighty Ducks

Running Time: 89 minutes
Cage Time: < 1%
Cage Kills/Deaths: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 0

Group Review: When Nicolas Cage, the greatest actor in human history, is credited in a movie as "man in red car" you know you are in for a real shit show.  Is that what you get?  Read on and find out...

This has nothing to do with the movie.  It's just a picture of our cat Nicky who watches every  film with is.  He's a big Cage fan.

Two dudes go on a road trip from Ohio for L.A., Cali to see some T&A. They start with a painful conversation about their hair. Yeah, the guys. They immediately crash into a red VW bug with a "hot" chick in it. This really pissed us off because the only reason we are watching this movie is to Nicolas Cage play the bit part "man in red car." We saw the main characters hit a red car and were super excited, but alas, no Cage here; keep watching. More boring conversation, then... RED CAR! RED CAR! Lo and behold a fake-nosed Nicolas Cage steps out of a car and says "Is anybody hurt? Can I give somebody a lift? (laughs maniacally) " (much like how he delivered the line "You mean, my wang?" from Peggy Sue), laughs, and drives off.  That's it folks! 10 minutes in and there is no more Cage in store for us. But that 20 seconds with him on the screen was worth it. It was like a cross between Charlie Bodell and Acid Yellow. After this the movie goes about like this: They say "lesbo" a lot. Stuff happens (and by "stuff" I mean not really much of anything).  We see tits. Roll credits.

It's okay if his nose scares you.  He is only testing your love.  Submit to it.

In case you didn't figure it out the answer to the previously asked question it is yes, a total shit show.  Despite this fact, Cage's "Man in Red Car" was delivered with more style and creativity than any other man in any colored car and all of cinematic history.  Using his shamanic powers he takes what would have been a throw away part to any other hack-job of an actor and turns it into something unexpected, funny, jarring, strange, and above all memorable.  Just another small gift to all his children...      ...thank you father.

Movie quotability:

• "California or boobs" - bumper sticker
• "Is anybody hurt? CanI give comebody a lift?"

Plot Holes:

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Dreadful
Shauna
James	3.77/5	2.01/5
Martine	!Read in the CAGE!