#50 Stolen

#50 Stolen

Year: 2012

Director: Simon West

MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: None.

Running Time: 93 minutes
Cage Time: 90%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 2

James' Review:  Let's just think for a moment about the one film in the last decade that you wished Nic Cage would have been in but wasn't.  Easy answer:  Taken.  Sure Liam Neeson is a total badass, but we all know Nicolas Cage would have an even more particular set of skills and would have found him and killed him just a bit sooner and more fantastically.  This is exactly what I was hoping this movie was, what it should be, but (very) unfortunately is not.  

Stolen was directed Simon West, who also directed Con Air.  Do you see the resemblance?

Cage is Will Montgomery, a master safe picker.  He is a career criminal in a gang of three that specializes in high value, high tech, and high profile bank robberies.  Montgomery needs to pull off one last heist to to build his nest egg to the point where he can retire and finally be the father that his seven year old daughter deserves.  What could go wrong?  Well actually, plenty of stuff and (spoiler alert) it does.  The aftermath involves Cage going to jail for just under a dime, the cute girl getting off scott free, and the ugly crazy guy (Josh Lucas) spiraling down and eventually getting killed in a fire.  Or did he....  (spoiler alert) No, actually he didn't.  He faked his death and  is totally pissed at Cage.  He wants his cut of the money from the heist and will take Cage's daughter and eventually kill her if he doesn't get it.  She is STOLEN!!!

Nic Cage plays a homeless man that sleeps on the street.  The sidewalk is his pillow...

Nic Cage has only one option: reunite with the Hot Chick and rob another bank to get enough ransom money.  The rest of the movie from here is the creepy ugly guy driving around talking on his cellphone, Cage's daughter spending a lot of time in a trunk, and Nic Cage being much less badass than Liam Neeson was until the end of course. 

Best. Most Mediocre. Movie. Ever.

Movie quotability:

• "Oh my god. You shot me."
• "I left the money. I have to get the money."
• "I'm not the squirrel playing with his nuts here."
• "I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."
• "Who dat?"

Plot Holes:

• Nicolas Cage is way too tech savvy to have been in lockup for 8 years.
• Nicolas Cage walks away from a ridiculous car wreck that kills 2 FBI agents and runs away.
• Nicolas Cage is only knee deep in water, yet we see the taxi sink hundreds of feet.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Acceptable	Poor
Shauna
James	3.09/5.00	1.59/5.00
Martine	!Pissed that 90 minutes of her life was STOLEN in the CAGE!

#16 Raising Arizona

#16 Raising Arizona

Year: 1987

Director: Coen Brothers

MPAA Rating:  PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: Holly Hunter, John Goodman

Running Time: 94 mins
Cage Time: ~95%
Cage Kills/Deaths: 1/0
Cage Flip-outs: 2

Skyler's Review: There are two completely different ways of looking at this film, so I'm going to review it both ways. 

Deep version:
The theme of this movie is "second chances." H.I. (played by Nicolas Cage) is a man that is in a bit of a situation. He has cried wolf so many times by breaking the law on petty crimes, that he now has a reputation as being a career criminal. Never mind that he would never hold up a store with live ammo (holdups were the only way of life he knew), if you are booked into jail enough times, society doesn't give you much benefit of the doubt anymore.

As we have blogged before, educators were so inspired by Nic's portrayal of child rearing that he made the cover of a Serbian textbook.

When H.I. decides to go straight for the lovely Holly Hunter (a police officer), it seems as if maybe he has been given a second chance. They can't conceive, so she asks H.I. to steal a baby. Of course he will do it, he is a criminal, right? H.I. has reservations, but he becomes a kidnapper anyway.

Enter a ominous biker bounty hunter. The bounty hunter represents H.I.'s past which is haunting him: they couldn't adopt because of his dark past. So what do you do when your past is haunting you? You can fight it and try to come out the victor with freedom and new-found trust as your prize. Or you can accept your fate and retreat back into your demons; imprisoned by fear and past carelessness.

Nic's face says more about the realities of child rearing in this frame than the entirety of the textbook. (Why they didn't use this picture instead is beyond my understanding.)

Shallow version:
How much nudity was in this movie? None. A woman is jumping on a man with passion when he enters home. Both are fully dressed. Later, H.I. is cleaning up his room at home to set a good example for the baby, but he finds a risque magazine and hides it. There is no nudity on it but I think it may show a woman in her underwear. H.I.'s boss tries to encourage him to participate in a wife swap, but this never materializes.

Nic Cage has a funny mustache on the whole time, and his hair is really messed up. That's funny stuff. A bunny is exploded (it does not go into a box). There are car chases; cigar smoking takes place a few times.

Nicolas Cage felt squashed by the Coen brothers for not letting him portray the role the way he wanted. It was like taking his mustachio'd ideas, throwing them on the floor, and jumping on them.

There are some funny jokes and some good slapstick stuff here and there. I just wish that Nic Cage got to really portray his character the way that he wanted to. Cage is an artist, but the Coen Brothers pulled rank and clipped the man's wings (not his hair). That is why Cage went on record saying "Joel and Ethan have a very strong vision and I've learned how difficult it is to accept another artist's vision. They have an autocratic nature." Next time, Nic, don't accept another artist's vision: inject your own. The movie was pretty good, but I can only imagine how many more flip outs could have been tied into this movie.

Movie quotability:

• "He don't know a cuss word from Shinola."
• "This here's the TV.  Only 2 hours a day... of course educational or football so he doesn't loose appreciation for the finer things."
• "What are you kiddin'?  We got us a family here!"
• "I don't know they were jammies, they had Yoda's and shit on 'um!"
• "You're young and you have your health. What do you need with a job?"

Plot Holes:

• Yeah right, this plot puts holes in you!
• The scene where he has dinner with his boss is a little too similar to the scene in Vacation when the Griswolds stop to visit uncle eddie.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Poor	Acceptable
Shauna
James	4.87/5	4.78/5
Martine	!Stayed in the Cage!