#50 Stolen

#50 Stolen

Year: 2012

Director: Simon West

MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: None.

Running Time: 93 minutes
Cage Time: 90%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 2

James' Review:  Let's just think for a moment about the one film in the last decade that you wished Nic Cage would have been in but wasn't.  Easy answer:  Taken.  Sure Liam Neeson is a total badass, but we all know Nicolas Cage would have an even more particular set of skills and would have found him and killed him just a bit sooner and more fantastically.  This is exactly what I was hoping this movie was, what it should be, but (very) unfortunately is not.  

Stolen was directed Simon West, who also directed Con Air.  Do you see the resemblance?

Cage is Will Montgomery, a master safe picker.  He is a career criminal in a gang of three that specializes in high value, high tech, and high profile bank robberies.  Montgomery needs to pull off one last heist to to build his nest egg to the point where he can retire and finally be the father that his seven year old daughter deserves.  What could go wrong?  Well actually, plenty of stuff and (spoiler alert) it does.  The aftermath involves Cage going to jail for just under a dime, the cute girl getting off scott free, and the ugly crazy guy (Josh Lucas) spiraling down and eventually getting killed in a fire.  Or did he....  (spoiler alert) No, actually he didn't.  He faked his death and  is totally pissed at Cage.  He wants his cut of the money from the heist and will take Cage's daughter and eventually kill her if he doesn't get it.  She is STOLEN!!!

Nic Cage plays a homeless man that sleeps on the street.  The sidewalk is his pillow...

Nic Cage has only one option: reunite with the Hot Chick and rob another bank to get enough ransom money.  The rest of the movie from here is the creepy ugly guy driving around talking on his cellphone, Cage's daughter spending a lot of time in a trunk, and Nic Cage being much less badass than Liam Neeson was until the end of course. 

Best. Most Mediocre. Movie. Ever.

Movie quotability:

• "Oh my god. You shot me."
• "I left the money. I have to get the money."
• "I'm not the squirrel playing with his nuts here."
• "I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."
• "Who dat?"

Plot Holes:

• Nicolas Cage is way too tech savvy to have been in lockup for 8 years.
• Nicolas Cage walks away from a ridiculous car wreck that kills 2 FBI agents and runs away.
• Nicolas Cage is only knee deep in water, yet we see the taxi sink hundreds of feet.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Acceptable	Poor
Shauna
James	3.09/5.00	1.59/5.00
Martine	!Pissed that 90 minutes of her life was STOLEN in the CAGE!

#33 Sonny

#33 Sonny

Year: 2002

Director: Nicolas Cage
MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: James Franco, Mena Suvari, Scott Caan

Running Time: 110 minutes
Cage Time: 2 minutes
Cage Kills: 0
Cage (inspired) Flip-outs: 5

Martine's Review: This movie was a "tickle" in just the right place for me. It is almost as if this movie was a love letter from Cage to me. Or maybe not a love letter, but a craigslist personal ad accompanied by a hot dong shot. I could sure use a shot of Vitamin Cage; I'm not afraid of a big needle.

My first thoughts were that this film was going to be a drag because Nicolas doesn't show his gorgeous, sexy face, except for a short cameo. I found instead that I was creaming in my jeans with every shake of the camera, knowing that the direction and every touch in the movie was the sensual caress of Nicolas's hand. Enter James Franco; but I didn't see a young, weird Jimmy F on the screen. No, I just keep on seeing my charming, hot Nicolas. Every line delivered, I hear in Nic's voice.

Knowing that Nicolas controlled every scene made it easy to fantasize him everywhere.

James Franco channels the Nouveau Shamanic style and has 5 epic flip-outs. Every single one was performed to perfection by my Nicolas off-screen moments before the camera captured James Franco's emulation of the glorious master. Oh, to be on the set of this film and watch a strong, powerful Nicolas Cage direct every movement: commanding others to move and speak to his nuanced preference. I wish I was there to let him direct me; command me to make him a sandwich and deliver it to his trailer. I would wear the special perfume and panties to deliver that meat.

Since this is Nicolas' movie, I assumed this is how he likes his women to look. I immediately went and got this haircut.

The movie is about prostitution in New Orleans and follows Sonny, a male prostitute. For the entire duration, Nicolas is flirting with me; if only Nicolas was a male prostitute in New Orleans. The message of the movie is that we're all dirty whores on the inside. I know I am. It's just good to know that Nicolas is too. 

Normally I'm not into girls in any way, but for some reason, when I saw Mena bouncing up and down, I wanted to be under her with a Nicolas Cage face painted on. Or she could have Nicolas' face. Even though Mena Suvari is far from a sexy hunk of Nicolas Cage, she was working for me in this movie, again (I suppose) because of Nic's omnipresence in the film.

The penultimate flirt: playing a gay, big-nosed, ugly-glasses sporting pimp; and he still oozes the masculine musk of sexuality.

Finally Cage graces us with a cameo as a character named "Acid Yellow" where he proves to me that he the pure essence and true form of sex. He disguises himself with a big Jew nose, thick coke-bottle glasses, and acts like a gay pimp. Notwithstanding, I felt a flush of pleasure wave over my body, rippling down to my toes and bringing out a tingling inside me. It was as if the entire movie, Nicolas was creating ever increasing sexual tension between us by blatantly throwing around sex for money, sex for fun, sex for love, rage induced freak outs; then the moment he shows his rugged face, all of the tension breaks. I couldn't keep my eyes from unfocusing and trying to roll back into my head. I was complete. Utterly relaxed.

I will definitely watch this movie again, alone ;)

Movie quotability:

• "Know I know why your momma always called you a natural born whore."
• "So what?  I drink beer.  You break shit.  She drink cough syrup.  So what?"
• "The stick. Use the stick."
• "I love co-cock!"

Plot Holes:

• Not everyone in New Orleans drinks Southern Comfort.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Acceptable	Acceptable
Shauna
James	3.01/5	2.99/5
Martine	!Enjoyed the Cage!