#28 The Sorcerer's Apprentice

#28 The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Year: 2010

Director: Jon Turteltaub
MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Alfred Molina

Running Time: 109 mins
Cage Time: 80%
Cage Kills: 0? Really?
Cage Flip-outs: 0

Shauna's Review: 

At first glance, this movie may seem like an epic let-down for fans of The Cage. No flip outs, no kills--in fact, an oddly calm and self-possessed Cage who never lets an f-bomb fly. However, consider the true depth of Mr Cage's investment   in each and every role, including this one as a steampunk reinvention of a cartoon wizard. Also his devotion to the principles of Nouveau Shamanism, which, let's face it, uniquely qualifies him to become a wizard of the highest caliber in any film, Disney or otherwise. 

Nicolas Cage as the greatest wizards of film. Gandalf, Dumbledore, and Balthazar.

In case you found the fact that they have the same damn title to be an insufficient clue (not naming names, you know who you are), this movie is loosely based on the Fantasia piece of the same name, which was in turn inspired by and set to the musical piece of the same name. If you need a refresher, Mickey gets a bit power-mad and floods his master's man-cave while attempting to use magic to do his chores. Although it seems to last indefinitely, it actually only goes on for 10 minutes, so obviously they needed to expand upon the story line somewhat to stretch this premise to 109 minutes. 

The resemblance is clear, I think.

Mean, mouse-spanking Wizard is reinvented as a kindly but sarcastically awesome Balthazar (Nicolas Cage), complete with semi-historical wardrobe and what I can only assume is real magic. In AD 740, Nic Cage's girlfriend is possessed by the evil Morgana, so he traps her and various other malevolent wizards in a Russian nesting doll set until he can find the Prime Merlinian, Merlin's successor. [Yes, we did spend most of the movie wondering why the kid would be called the Prime Meridian.] Of course this turns out to be some obnoxious kid who gets more screen time than Nic Cage, much to the movie's detriment. Balthazar mentors Kid (the titular "apprentice") who can then for some reason defeat Morgana and assorted baddies despite being unable to control a mop. [Yes, they recreate the original premise in what is undoubtedly the worst scene in the movie. Best to leave these things in the twentieth century, folks.] Nevertheless, Nic Cage does get to drive several very fast/ expensive cars, which seems to be his main prerequisite before agreeing to any (every) project. 

Witness the power of the Nouveau Shaman!

The trailer makes it look like part of the Batman franchise, but it shares a director (Turteltaub) and producer (Bruckheimer) with National Treasure, and the similarities can be seen in the film's humor and tone. As someone with juvenile taste in movies (or what I like to think of as "a childlike sense of wonder"), I enjoyed both. Nic Cage seems to get a kick out of playing this wry, laconic, determinedly optimistic sorcerer and mentor. I mean, he gets to wear a leather fedora and a badass cloak, so I think the appeal is pretty straightforward. This movie won't make the top 10 or the best quotes list, but it's amusing to watch-- easy without being simple. 

Movie quotability:

• Dave: "How'd you know my name was Dave?" Balthazar:  "Because I CAN READ MINDS! ... It's on your backpack."
• Dave: "These are old man shoes." Balthazar: "Excuse me."
• "What ever happened to 'don't touch anything'?"
• "I had a dream. You were insulting me, Dave. Repeatedly."
• Skyler: "'Hey, Nic Cage, do you want to drive a badass car?' 'Yes, what do I have to do?' 'You're a sorcerer.' 'I don't give a shit.'" 
• James: "This movie is actually pretty good."

Plot Holes:

• Somehow elementary school teacher finds Dave after he wanders many blocks away in NYC, down side alleys and INTO a fucking BUILDING, OUT OF SIGHT. 
• Shouldn't Balthazar be able to beat Horvatz in a battle, since he has had 1600 years to practice getting better at magic, while Horvatz has been stuck in a doll?
• Dave fixes the radio station by pushing buttons on a scope. 
• Train doesn't stop at train station.
• Undergrad physics student has incredible funding that allows for a secret lair and a bunch of probably expensive techy-Tesla-stuff.
• Evil sorcerers run away from pipsqueak.
• Horvath doesn't use the parasite spell on Dave, so he shouldn't get his power.
• College student radio plays top pop music.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.51/5	3.18/5
Martine	!Stayed in the cage with One Republic!

#22 National Treasure

#22 National Treasure

Year: 2004

Director: Jon Turteltaub
MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Jon Voight, Harvey Keitel

Running Time: 131 mins
Cage Time: 90%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Skyler's Review: 

This movie was written by a high school Social Studies teacher that was trying to pique the interest of her students to learn about US History. She was a fan of the Cage and totally in a rage that Nic was not chosen to play the lead in the Da Vinci Code; instead they got Woody from Toy Story, an odd choice. She basically took the identical plot from Dan Brown and adapted it to US History, and National Treasure was born.

I'm not going to discuss all of the plot holes, since there are many and we recorded them below, but the story goes like this:  The Gates family for six generations have been trying to find the long lost National Treasure, because they received a clue: "The secret lies with Charlotte". For six generations, each Gates patriarch has wasted 10-20 years looking for the treasure. What they were each doing for 20 years is beyond my comprehension, because they each made ZERO progress as to what the hell the clue even means.

Enter Nic Cage.

From studying Social Studies and US History, he is about to get RICH!!! (see kids, Soc. Studs. is important, you could get rich; and the hot girl) Nic (Ben Gates) first realizes that Charlotte is the name of a ship and he finds it, leading to another clue!!! This is HUGE progress over the last 6 Gates' hunts. 

Let's rub household chemicals, including citric acid, all over the Declaration of Independence.  What is the worst that could happen? (Nothing bad happens)

When Ben goes to his Dad to show him the great breakthrough, his dad says "Don't waste your time! It will just lead to another clue, and another clue, and another clue..." Ben retorts with "Like, when has that ever happened to you dad, solving a clue, I mean?" His dad's eyes stare off into space; Ben's dad pulls out a sword and says "This is George Washington's actual sword that he carried during the crossing of the Delaware...and I am a failure! (sobbing)" and he falls on the sword.

It doesn't go exactly like that, but close enough.

Basically the rest of the movie involves the curator of the Declaration of Independence being cool with dumping acids on the real, genuine document. The hot chick falls for the comely Nic Cage, and not his more age-appropriate sidekick. But will they find the treasure? You will have to watch the movie to find out! (there is a National Treasure 2, and NT3 has been announced)

Just like real life.

Overall this movie is great for Cage fans that like kooky heist action movies. Plus it's fine for kids of any age.

Fun fact! If you look up "STOW, Declaration of Independence" on yahoo (like Sean Bean does in this movie), the first result actually IS "Liberty Bell" just like it is in the movie. The second result is "National Treasure movie corrections." Interesting. Also, you may recognize Agent Johnson (aka that blond FBI guy) as Jacob from LOST or the Blond Treehorn Thug from the Big Lebowski.

Movie quotability: 1/5

• "A toast. To high treason. That's what these men were committing when they signed the Declaration. Had we lost the war, they would have been hanged, beheaded, drawn and quartered, and- oh! Oh, my personal favorite- had their entrails cut out and *burned*!"
• "She really can't shut her mouth, can she?"
• "You're shouting again."
• "Not cool. Not cool." (while chasing a fleeing Abigail)
• "We need more juice. We need more heat."

Plot Holes:

• Long-lost revolutionary war ship Charlotte is buried under 3 inches of snow. 
• Of any part of the ship, Nic Cage conveniently first uncovers the bell, which has the ship's name on it. (Oh, I guess this is the right long-lost ship, then.)
• Etched message revealed by rolling bloody pipe on paper is way too long to fit on said pipe's circumference.
• Nic Cage's ancestors have had that same damn "secret lies with Charlotte" clue for six generations, but none of them ever moved beyond that first clue despite devoting their entire lives to it. Yet Nic Cage barrels through ALL the clues in one movie. And his dad goes on and on about "this clue will lead to another clue, and another clue" even though he has NEVER SEEN ANOTHER CLUE.
• Gunpowder wouldn't burn, just explode.
• Sean Bean says to run before someone sees the smoke, but they're in the middle of nowhere in the Arctic circle.
• Nic Cage reads whole paragraph of Declaration of Independence in husky, solemn voice without giggling. 
• Nic Cage is wearing John Travolta's outfit from Pulp Fiction. Wait, is that John Travolta??
• You could not raise the temperature in a thermometer that fast, even with a one-watt laser.
• Diane Kruger does not wash her hands all day after opening the pin from Nic Cage. And the residue doesn't rub off on any of the other things she touches between mid-day at the office and evening at the gala.  
• Supposedly professional criminals miss every shot, including one from a meter away with adequate time to aim. 
• They decide not to tie up Abigail, even though she has no reason to not run away.
• "Professional" archivist decides that it is OK to rub lemon juice all over the Declaration of Independence and take a blow drier to it.
• After hours of waiting to get all of the letters to the cipher from the Silent letters, Riley decides to leave before getting the last four letters; even though EVERY time he has made a guess about a clue so far he has been completely wrong.
• They do not sell bottles of water at Urban Outfitters
• Nic Cage easily cuts a brick out of a wall with a pocket knife.
• "Ian has nearly unlimited resources."
• Random Black lady is sassy. No, just kidding. That makes perfect sense.
• Nic Cage is supposed to be really smart, even though everyone knows he's a Scientologist. 
• Nic Cage pops up out of the river, somehow "safe" although he is clearly still within eyesight of the dock (not to mention the helicopter).
• Everyone keeps saying "Heere, spelled with two E's," although "here" has two E's and "heere" actually has three.
• Nic Cage kisses girls with his mouth closed.
• Wooden chandelier does not burn.
• Weak woman saves "thick" grown man from falling into bottomless pit (that was dug by freemasons).
• Ancient stone statue rocks like a piece for Styrofoam when punk kid hugs it.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.78/5	3.47/5
Martine	!Tapped out of the Cage!

#17 The Wicker Man

#17 The Wicker Man

Year: 2006

Director: Neil LaBute

MPAA Rating:  PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: 

Running Time: 102 mins.
Cage Time: 98%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 6

Skyler's Review: To be completely honest, I was not really looking forward to watching The Wicker Man starring Nicolas Cage. I mean, I was and I wasn't. Like any other person that claims to know anything at all about Nic Cage, I've seen the highlights reel to the Wicker Man. If this is your first time investigating Cage's work here is the video: (FYI, spoilers!)

So I knew that there would be at least 2:08 of over-the-top-dramatic thriller in store for me, but from what I had read in the YouTube comments I was worried about the other 1:43:52. Everyone was saying that the first 90 minutes drags on; and makes the last bit of the movie not even worth it. I wholeheartedly disagree. Maybe I'm in the 27% of people on rottentomatoes.com that actually liked it, but 75% of our group really liked it. 100% of us were engaged the entire movie.

Not the bees!

So here is the plot: an over-righteous, arrogant, Jimmy Stewarty police detective (Cage) ends up investigating the kidnapping, or possible murder, of a little girl in a isolated island community. There seems to be only women on this island, so having this masculine man in a suit on the island snooping around like he owns the place makes you feel awkward; Cage's character can't seem to read their culture and behave appropriately. (It is this "I'm a man, I do/say what I want" kind of attitude that kept us entertained during the film) As the detective is investigating, and interfering with all of the island's daily affairs, it becomes apparent that there may be some kind of cover-up going on and that the child was sacrificed in some sort of ancient druid ritual. Every time he uncovers another clue, the community becomes even less forthcoming, and they try to scare him into leaving them alone; this all leads to an exciting conclusion.

"What's in the bag, a shark or something?"

Overall, we felt that this movie has been highly underrated. If you like Nicolas Cage, you will like this film. We have been quoting to each other nonstop since viewing. You must go into the movie knowing that it is intentionally overly dramatic and over-the-top to the point of comedy. But then again, that is the mindset you evoke when entering any Nicolas Cage masterpiece. Nicolas Cage, well done sir, bravo!

Movie quotability:

• "What's in the bag, a shark or something?"
• "I'm a policeman, see my badge?"
• "You little liars." (to a room full of children)
• "Perhaps it is time for you to stop bullshitting me, okay?"
• "How'd it get burned!?  How'd it get burned?  How'd it get burned!? How'd it get burned!?"
• "You have my permission to stay out of my fucking way!"
• "Killing me won't bring back your god-damned honey!!"
• "What is it?  What is it?  Ohhhh Nooo, not the bees!!"

Plot Holes:

• Man refuses to fly Malus to the secret island based on principle but gives in for a measly 100 bucks.
• Malus thinks someone may be trapped in the canvas bag that is dripping blood. They tell him to look in the bag and he flinches; decides to not look.
• Supposedly Malus is a great detective but he doesn't connect the many, many hints that the kid is his.
• Flashlight works perfectly underwater.
• Mr. Malus desperately tries to wake up an obviously decomposing body.
• Strange ritual conveniently has one full body bear costume that allows Nic Cage to infiltrate.
• With two broken femers, Nic Cage still respons coherently to each new bizarre event.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	4.95/5	4.99/5
Martine	!Pissed that she stayed in the Cage!

#14 Amos & Andrew

#14 Amos & Andrew

Year: 1993

Director: E. Max Frye

MPAA Rating:  PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: Samuel L. Jackson, Dabney Coleman

Running Time: 96 mins.
Cage Time: 
Cage Kills/Deaths: 0/0
Cage Flip-outs: 3

James' Review: This movie lost $7 million dollars. I can see why.  I'll try to keep this short and sweet mostly for my own sake as I can't stand to think about it much longer.  Tears come to my eyes when I think of the potential for totally psychotic freak-out bliss I once imagined when thinking about this film.  Looking at the cover seeing Samuel L. Jackson and Nic Cage in their all too obvious characters I thought "these two together on the screen are a sure thing".  I now realize that I am an idiot.

Stale race commentary written for idiots: check.  Dumb honkeys that base all of their actions on ass-umptions: check.  Dumber cops that base all of their actions on the ass-umptions of dumb honkeys: check.  Comically racist dogs: check.  If all of these things sound good to you, then I'm happy that our blog has finally found it's target audience.  For those of you who don't like the sounds of this, please keep reading because A Year In The Cage is trying to become a little less "movie" and a little more "film".

I applaud the balls of this man.  He is willing to go anywhere or do anything for cinema, even when deep down inside he knows that someday in the future disrupting technologies will allow images like this to haunt him for the rest of his life.

Mr. Cage plays a bit of a ruffian in this film.  A poor schmuck  down on his luck that is targeted by the local authorities as an easy scapegoat for their moronic behavior.  He soon teams up with the minority who was originally wronged by them to ultimately outsmart them and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, who the hell cares?  This movie was so stupid and boring that when watching it I felt somewhat jealous of my toddler who was sleeping peacefully upstairs.  The commentary was totally outdated even for 1993, and the writing completely muted anything and everything that Nic and Sam have since become  famous for doing.  This film was aimed to be a comedy that tackled larger issues, but instead turned out to be a genre-less pile of trash that poked more fun at the people who made it than those whom it tried to portray.  Total Horse Shit! 

Movie quotability: -4/5

• "Fuck the first amendment."
• "She looked 18..."
• "I guess I wanted my family to be like ah" (hits joint) "a sea-monkey family."
• "For all your talk, you are the whitest damn black man I've ever met."
• N-word count: 4

Plot Holes:

• It's acceptable for actors to be made up in black face in 1993.
• A black guy in New England sets all the white people within a 5 mile radius into a crazed frenzy.  Once again, in 1993...
• Every white person is racist.
• In 1993, every person regardless of color is racist.  Even dogs.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Poor	Troll
Shauna
James	1.37/5.0	0.84/5.0
Martine	!Oblivious in the Cage!

#11 Trapped in Paradise

#11 Trapped in Paradise

Year: 1994

Director: George Gallo

MPAA Rating:  PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: Jon Lovitz, Dana Carvey

Running Time: 111 mins.

Cage Time: ~95%

Cage Kills: 0

Cage Flip-outs: 8

Skyler's Review: You may think that a lighthearted Christmas comedy starring Nic Cage can only be great, a must see, even. This was my original thinking, too. However, now I am fully aware that there are really only three reasons to put this movie on your television:

1. You are trying to complete the A Year In the Cage challenge. 
2. You actually want to go to the park, but you can't quite get up the motivation.
3. You hate yourself.

For me, it was the first one. Although, by the end it may have been the third one. The feeling that I had during the movie was similar to how I felt toward the end of the Lord of the Rings: this movie is good, but why is it so, so long? Except this movie isn't good. 

This picture, right-to-left was like the movie. Off to an OK start, exudes excellence in the middle, and (like Dana Carvey's career) goes on far too long in the end.

This isn't to say that this movie didn't have some funny moments. Nicolas Cage delivers an impeccable performance that is funny and nuanced. Juxtapose this with Dana Carvey's performance which was on par with his usual caliber, i.e. awful. If you are deciding to watch this film, and you want to finish it (so, you are not watching for reason #2), don't make the dreadful mistake that we did. Hide all of your clocks, remove your watch, disable any alarms. Our mistake was that when the movie felt like it was about over, a member of our group needed to go to the toilet. In keeping with the rules of A Year in the Cage, we paused the movie...revealing the actual time remaining in the movie: 45 minutes! (gasp) Shear willpower kept us going. It was like living out the scene from A Clockwork Orange.

Please, Dana; look into my shades, and Never. (point fingers into air suddenly) Speak. (open hands violently) Again. (throw arms down quickly)

OK so now you know how I feel about the film, let's go over the premise of this movie. Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey are getting paroled from jail, and straight-shooting Nic Cage has to pick them up. Cage knows that his brothers are up to no good and will have some sort of plan to rob or steal something. They trick Nic into driving them over state lines (parole violation) to rob a bank in the small town of Paradise, PA. Jon says some funny stuff about yoga, Nic flips out in a funny way, and Dana acts like an idiot. The three rob the bank and fix to leave, when (would you believe it!!!) they get trapped there due to snow. Jon talks about leaving, Nic talks about his moral compass, and Dana talks like a moron. Things happen; none of it really believable. People in the movie seem to like Dana Carvey's character. To make the movie more fun to watch, try predicting what is about to happen. The fun part is that you are always right; except Dana Carvey's character lives.

Movie quotability 1/5:

• "Yeeeeessss, I wanted to talk to her."

• "Edna?  Are we sleeping together?  I don't think so, you call me Mrs. Firpo!"

• "Oh my god a GUUUNNN!"

• "Why don't you let me do the crackin' and you do the jackin'"

• "But I swear we ain't the same people we were this morning."

Plot Holes:

• Everything about Dana Carvey's character.

• Local police have a gymnasium full of maps and charts within a couple hours of the robbery.

• Three idiot brothers walk away unharmed from what would otherwise be a fatal car accident.

• Dumbest bank manager/manager's wife don't recognize three strangers with very distinct voices.

• A relatively still stream suddenly turns into a waterfall the second someone falls out of the boat.

• A horse pulling a sleigh can travel up the freeway at the same speed as a car.

• Morons think they need to put the money back in the vault rather than placing it right outside the door... or anywhere else in or near the fucking bank! 

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Outstanding	Dreadful
Shauna
James	3.62/5	1.7/5
Martine	!Trapped in the Cage!

#2 Guarding Tess

#2 Guarding Tess

Year: 1994

Director: Hugh Wilson
MPAA Rating: PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: Richard Griffiths, Shirley MacLaine

Running Time: 96 mins
Cage Time: ~99%
Cage Kills:  0.1 
Cage Flip-outs: 6

James' Review:  Some sparks really fly (but mostly fizzle) when Doug Chesnic is placed on security duty for a miserable old iron-box bitch that happens to be the widow of a nameless/faceless former US president.  A young clean-cut Nick Cage does about all he can with the somewhat robotic role of a FBI security agent who appears to hate his job despite having literally no external friends, family, lovers or any other human relationships mentioned throughout the film.  

Early on as the story presented an unexplained and unwarranted affection the ex-first lady had for Mr. Chesnic, I found myself with a growing excitement that this was the ground work for an ultra-hot and raunchy inter-generational sex scene that would allow an exceptionally gifted actor such as Nicolas Cage to really show off his range as a performer.  Alas, this affection turned out to be the result of severely mediocre script writing that requires unexplained actions and emotions from the characters just to advance the story line.  

At the end of the day, I have to assume that Mr. Cage chose this role as a challenge to himself to see if he could turn water into wine, or in this case, mostly bull-shit writing and flat co-stars into a highly enjoyable 90 minute escape from reality for his fans.  And to this I only have to say, "Well Played Sir, you have done it again."

Quotes:

• "I'd choose Mr. Ed in a second."
• "I merely... removed the bud."
• "Why don't you just go to hell... okay Douggie?"
• "Get in the god-damned chair."

Plot Holes:

• Frederick makes a 36 inch cheese sandwich and doesn't immediately consume it. 
• SPOILER: Old lady said she had brain cancer within the first 5 minutes of the movie.
• SPOILER: Old lady was followed by several agents to medical center for mysterious visit, but nobody inquired why she was there.
• SPOILER: When old lady was dying in helicopter, the feds and locals had some sort of long and drawn out musical chair session where she seemed to be the last thing on anyone's mind.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Below Expectation	Below Expectations
Shauna
James	1.5/5	3.08/5
Martine	!Stayed in the cage!