#45 Adaptation.

#45 Adaptation

Year: 2002

Director: Spike Jonze
MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: Meryl Streep, Chris Cooper, that guy from Office Space

Running Time: 114 min
Cage Time: 
Cage Kills: 
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Skyler's Review: 

Charlie Kaufman (Nicolas Cage) is writing a screenplay about the Orchid Thief and wants to stay true to the book and not snesationalize it with sex, action, love, just for the sake of Hollywood.

I'm already ruining this review. I can't spell. Without those red squiggles, I can't spell a thing. I'm so pathetic. No one will want to read this review. But maybe that is OK, since I am keeping with the movie. Who cares about the audience. If the audience doesn't like it they can read some other blog. It's not my responsibility to write garbage just because the average internet user has the equivalent of a 2nd grade education. I do want them to like me, though.

This movie is worth watching if just for seeing TWO Nicolas Cages on screen.

Dr. Cage also plays Charlie Kaufman's fictional twin brother, Donald. Donald lays around all the time on the ground, and wants to also become a screenwriter, but wants to go to a costly seminar about screenwriting that almost sounds like a scam. Charlie says this is stupid, because a seminar will never help you write something new, which should be the goal for all writers.

 This isn't going well. This isn't interesting at all. I wanted to write something interesting and original, and I'm just sitting here and can't even think about how to recap this movie. I can't find an anmiated gif for this review. I'm terrible.

The story Charlie is writing is about a man (named Laroche) who goes into the swamps in Florida and poaches orchids. He takes Seminole tribe members with him to try and avoid the law, saying that the natives are allowed to poach plants. The goal for Laroche is to poach the 'ghost orchid', which is very rare. Then he plans to cultivate them and sell them for a bunch of money. Then if people can buy the ghost orchid in stores, the flower would be better protected from poachers by decreasing its rarity. Also, you can make drugs.

Why don't girls look at me the way they look at Nicolas Cage. Is it because I'm bald? Women just like confidence; how can I have confidence if I am bald? Maybe I can grow a mustache. I think women like mustaches, or at least a certain kind of woman. I wonder if I would know what to do with the kind of woman that likes mustaches. What if I can't grow a mustache?

The meta-Cage of this movie is amazing. Not only is there Nicolas Cage playing two people (Charlie and Donald), but at one point you get to see Nicolas Cage play Donald acting as Charlie. Good stuff.

Laroche is all about passion and collecting. All he wants is orchids. Before that, he was obsessed with other things. At 10 years old he collected turtles  until he gave up on them and trashed his collection. Then at 17 he collected fish, then one morning woke up and said "fuck fish" and now won't step foot in the ocean. Then he moved on to collecting something else.

If I can just end this review with an exciting animated gif, people will still like it. It doesn't even need to fit with the rest of the review. The audience won't care. I'll find a gif. That's what this needs.

As some point in the movie, we realize that the movie is a meta-movie, because the movie that is playing out is the screenplay that Charlie is currently writing. This becomes clear when Charlie has a breakthrough about how to start the movie. He repeats an echo of what we actually see as at the start of the movie. Toward the end, Charlie writes something and then we see it happen on screen.

This is obviously not from the movie, but is pretty awesome.

Movie quotability:

• Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out?
• You are what you love, not what loves you.
• I can't believe I got shot.  Isn't that fucked up?

Plot Holes:

• None.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	4.80/5	4.50/5
Martine	!Stayed in the CAGE!

#17 The Wicker Man

#17 The Wicker Man

Year: 2006

Director: Neil LaBute

MPAA Rating:  PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: 

Running Time: 102 mins.
Cage Time: 98%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 6

Skyler's Review: To be completely honest, I was not really looking forward to watching The Wicker Man starring Nicolas Cage. I mean, I was and I wasn't. Like any other person that claims to know anything at all about Nic Cage, I've seen the highlights reel to the Wicker Man. If this is your first time investigating Cage's work here is the video: (FYI, spoilers!)

So I knew that there would be at least 2:08 of over-the-top-dramatic thriller in store for me, but from what I had read in the YouTube comments I was worried about the other 1:43:52. Everyone was saying that the first 90 minutes drags on; and makes the last bit of the movie not even worth it. I wholeheartedly disagree. Maybe I'm in the 27% of people on rottentomatoes.com that actually liked it, but 75% of our group really liked it. 100% of us were engaged the entire movie.

Not the bees!

So here is the plot: an over-righteous, arrogant, Jimmy Stewarty police detective (Cage) ends up investigating the kidnapping, or possible murder, of a little girl in a isolated island community. There seems to be only women on this island, so having this masculine man in a suit on the island snooping around like he owns the place makes you feel awkward; Cage's character can't seem to read their culture and behave appropriately. (It is this "I'm a man, I do/say what I want" kind of attitude that kept us entertained during the film) As the detective is investigating, and interfering with all of the island's daily affairs, it becomes apparent that there may be some kind of cover-up going on and that the child was sacrificed in some sort of ancient druid ritual. Every time he uncovers another clue, the community becomes even less forthcoming, and they try to scare him into leaving them alone; this all leads to an exciting conclusion.

"What's in the bag, a shark or something?"

Overall, we felt that this movie has been highly underrated. If you like Nicolas Cage, you will like this film. We have been quoting to each other nonstop since viewing. You must go into the movie knowing that it is intentionally overly dramatic and over-the-top to the point of comedy. But then again, that is the mindset you evoke when entering any Nicolas Cage masterpiece. Nicolas Cage, well done sir, bravo!

Movie quotability:

• "What's in the bag, a shark or something?"
• "I'm a policeman, see my badge?"
• "You little liars." (to a room full of children)
• "Perhaps it is time for you to stop bullshitting me, okay?"
• "How'd it get burned!?  How'd it get burned?  How'd it get burned!? How'd it get burned!?"
• "You have my permission to stay out of my fucking way!"
• "Killing me won't bring back your god-damned honey!!"
• "What is it?  What is it?  Ohhhh Nooo, not the bees!!"

Plot Holes:

• Man refuses to fly Malus to the secret island based on principle but gives in for a measly 100 bucks.
• Malus thinks someone may be trapped in the canvas bag that is dripping blood. They tell him to look in the bag and he flinches; decides to not look.
• Supposedly Malus is a great detective but he doesn't connect the many, many hints that the kid is his.
• Flashlight works perfectly underwater.
• Mr. Malus desperately tries to wake up an obviously decomposing body.
• Strange ritual conveniently has one full body bear costume that allows Nic Cage to infiltrate.
• With two broken femers, Nic Cage still respons coherently to each new bizarre event.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	4.95/5	4.99/5
Martine	!Pissed that she stayed in the Cage!

#13 The Weather Man

#13 The Weather Man

Year: 2005

Director: Gore Verbinski

MPAA Rating:  R 

Epic Co-stars: Michael Caine

Running Time: 101 mins.
Cage Time: ~95%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 6

Shauna's Review: In 2010, Roger Ebert wrote: "There are often lists of the great living male movie stars: De Niro, Nicholson and Pacino, usually. How often do you see the name of Nicolas Cage? He should always be up there. He's daring and fearless in his choice of roles, and unafraid to crawl out on a limb, saw it off and remain suspended in air. No one else can project inner trembling so effectively.... He always seems so earnest. However improbable his character, he never winks at the audience. He is committed to the character with every atom and plays him as if he were him."

What this means in practical terms is that, in most of his roles, Cage is unnervingly convincing as a megalomaniac. The Weather Man, by contrast, is a serious Film that allows us to see the fragile, sensitive, everyman Nic Cage. Or, as Skyler and James put it, "Finally, a Cage film with some nudity!"

"People don't throw things at me any more. Maybe because I carry a bow around."

Cage plays David Spritz, Chicago TV weatherman, divorced husband, father of two, and son of   a Nobel-award-winning writer, played by Michael Caine, who is awesome. Since this is an independent-type, dark comedy, his kids cuss and smoke and do edgy things like hang out with creepy perverts, his wife acts like a real bitch (not like Debra on Everybody Loves Raymond, but like, really annoying), and everyone says "fuck" frequently and with relish. The film follows Spritz's inner monologue as he tries, mostly ineffectively, to reconstruct his decaying personal life, even as his professional career moves forward. 

My name is Michael Caine, and I am awesome.
Also, if you haven't seen The Trip, watch this.

My brother once told me, "That movie is a real bummer." But I actually found it to be fairly hilarious. No, it's not upbeat. Spritz is an unhappy character out on a limb, feeling it crack under his weight yet paralyzed by doubt. Cage doesn't exaggerate these weaknesses for comedic purposes, and he doesn't need to; the writing is wittily sharp and self-deprecating. Instead he embodies this character earnestly and with real conviction, making this a solid entry in the Cage canon.

Movie quotability:

• "That was refreshing. I am refreshed. I am refreshing." 
• "People recognize me sometimes. Some are dicks." 
• "You ARE a dildo, pork fuck- fucker." 
• "Her colleagues call her camel toe.... It means the crease in her vagina that they can discern through her clothing." 
• "You know what, Dave. You want to know why my BJs lacked enthusiasm? I hated you. I hated your hair. I hated your ugly legs, your forearms. I hated kissing your lips, Dave. OK? And that's why I lacked enthusiasm when your cock was in my mouth." 
• "I don't know. It's a guess. It's wind. It blows all over the place." 
• "I'd like to put my face in there...tartar sauce...I like to eat pussy, tartar sauce...."
• "'When I think of my dad, I think of Bob Seger's Like a Rock.' And that's all I said at my father's living funeral." 
• "Always fast food.  Fast food.  Things that people would rather throw out than finish.  It's easy, it tastes all right, but it doesn't really provide you any nourishment.  I'm fast food." 

Plot Holes:

• None, except that $240k+ a year seems like a lot for a weatherman. 

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Outstanding
Shauna
James	4.18/5	3.89/5
Martine	!Got teared up in the cage!