#11 Trapped in Paradise

#11 Trapped in Paradise

Year: 1994

Director: George Gallo

MPAA Rating:  PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: Jon Lovitz, Dana Carvey

Running Time: 111 mins.

Cage Time: ~95%

Cage Kills: 0

Cage Flip-outs: 8

Skyler's Review: You may think that a lighthearted Christmas comedy starring Nic Cage can only be great, a must see, even. This was my original thinking, too. However, now I am fully aware that there are really only three reasons to put this movie on your television:

1. You are trying to complete the A Year In the Cage challenge. 
2. You actually want to go to the park, but you can't quite get up the motivation.
3. You hate yourself.

For me, it was the first one. Although, by the end it may have been the third one. The feeling that I had during the movie was similar to how I felt toward the end of the Lord of the Rings: this movie is good, but why is it so, so long? Except this movie isn't good. 

This picture, right-to-left was like the movie. Off to an OK start, exudes excellence in the middle, and (like Dana Carvey's career) goes on far too long in the end.

This isn't to say that this movie didn't have some funny moments. Nicolas Cage delivers an impeccable performance that is funny and nuanced. Juxtapose this with Dana Carvey's performance which was on par with his usual caliber, i.e. awful. If you are deciding to watch this film, and you want to finish it (so, you are not watching for reason #2), don't make the dreadful mistake that we did. Hide all of your clocks, remove your watch, disable any alarms. Our mistake was that when the movie felt like it was about over, a member of our group needed to go to the toilet. In keeping with the rules of A Year in the Cage, we paused the movie...revealing the actual time remaining in the movie: 45 minutes! (gasp) Shear willpower kept us going. It was like living out the scene from A Clockwork Orange.

Please, Dana; look into my shades, and Never. (point fingers into air suddenly) Speak. (open hands violently) Again. (throw arms down quickly)

OK so now you know how I feel about the film, let's go over the premise of this movie. Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey are getting paroled from jail, and straight-shooting Nic Cage has to pick them up. Cage knows that his brothers are up to no good and will have some sort of plan to rob or steal something. They trick Nic into driving them over state lines (parole violation) to rob a bank in the small town of Paradise, PA. Jon says some funny stuff about yoga, Nic flips out in a funny way, and Dana acts like an idiot. The three rob the bank and fix to leave, when (would you believe it!!!) they get trapped there due to snow. Jon talks about leaving, Nic talks about his moral compass, and Dana talks like a moron. Things happen; none of it really believable. People in the movie seem to like Dana Carvey's character. To make the movie more fun to watch, try predicting what is about to happen. The fun part is that you are always right; except Dana Carvey's character lives.

Movie quotability 1/5:

• "Yeeeeessss, I wanted to talk to her."

• "Edna?  Are we sleeping together?  I don't think so, you call me Mrs. Firpo!"

• "Oh my god a GUUUNNN!"

• "Why don't you let me do the crackin' and you do the jackin'"

• "But I swear we ain't the same people we were this morning."

Plot Holes:

• Everything about Dana Carvey's character.

• Local police have a gymnasium full of maps and charts within a couple hours of the robbery.

• Three idiot brothers walk away unharmed from what would otherwise be a fatal car accident.

• Dumbest bank manager/manager's wife don't recognize three strangers with very distinct voices.

• A relatively still stream suddenly turns into a waterfall the second someone falls out of the boat.

• A horse pulling a sleigh can travel up the freeway at the same speed as a car.

• Morons think they need to put the money back in the vault rather than placing it right outside the door... or anywhere else in or near the fucking bank! 

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Outstanding	Dreadful
Shauna
James	3.62/5	1.7/5
Martine	!Trapped in the Cage!

Avoid Cage Burnout!

Spending a year in the cage is not going to be easy for even the most die-hard fans.  Use the chart below to avoid Cage Burn-out!  For best results, never watch more than two movies in a row from the same quadrant.  This will ensure that you are constantly refreshed and amazed by Mr. Cage's amazing depth and breadth of range.  Sure the chart has some issues (Peggy Sue Got Married equally as serious as Lord of War or that Cameron Poe from Con Air is equally as Brilliant as H.I. McDunnough from Raising Arizona), but this chart can still be used as rough guide to the Cage Extremes.

The Cage Matrix from theShiznit.com:  A valuable tool to help you survive a year in the CAGE.

#3 Ghost Rider

#3 Ghost Rider

Year: 2007

Director: Mark Steven Johnson

MPAA Rating: PG-13 

Epic Co-stars: Sam Elliot, Satan

Running Time: 114 mins
Cage Time: ~62%
Cage Kills: 14
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Skyler's Review: As a Nic Cage fan, it seems that I was not the correct audience for this film. I'm not 13 anymore. The moment Cage takes the screen, it is obvious that he is being forced to give a muted performance by Mark Steven Johnson to make Cage's character more relatable to the young, shy thirteen-year old viewer. However, it was nice to see Nic shine though with a full range of facial expression early in the film. Laughing at monkeys, angst about the past/future, anger, sadness, despair, regret. It was just a shame to watch so many wasted opportunities for some real Cage gold. 

To tailor this film to the target 13-year-old audience, Roxy's tops always show cleavage. Always. The rest is much what you would expect: Johnny sells his soul to the devil and regrets it, demons wreak havoc, bad guys die, cops are inept.  Ghost Rider fights a watery demon underwater and Ghost Rider's Stare of Penance makes bad guys scream and die.

 This is really all a 13-year old boy wants to see in a movie.

"I relate to the fire-face
because of my acne."

"Eva Mendes had really
nice clothes in the movie."

We counted only one real Cage flip-out over the course of the film, yet we counted at least ten great set-ups, only to be let down. I mean, c'mon. Nicolas Cage turns into a skull-headed fire demon that drives a fiery motorcycle. How could this go wrong? I was truly excited with anticipation to hear Cage's voice acting as a fire monster going in to this movie, but the Ghost Rider's voice sounds nothing like Nicolas Cage. It wasn't James Earl Jones either, which I would have been OK with, it was just terrible.

"But he was possessed by evil, he was supposed to be unrecognizable as Johnny Blaze!" you say. Well if that is the case, how is it that the police arrest Johnny with absolutely no evidence of his involvement in burning up the town? There was only one eyewitness and she describes him has having a fire skull head that looks sexy. That is not much to go on. "You're under arrest, Johnny. You may not have a fire skull head, but you sure look sexy. It must have been you." Seriously?

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more fiery and more on-my-hand."

Honestly, this film would have made a better video game. There are sub-bosses with a final boss. The rest would be cut-scenes of Roxy (Eva Mendes). Johnny could eat jellybeans as power ups.

My final word to you, Hollywood, is if you cast Nic Cage in a film, you had better not force him to underact. It disgusts me.

Movie quotability: 0/5

• "You touch those Carpenters or that chimp video again, we got a scrap on our hands!"
• "Thanks, I feel much better now that I know I'm the devil's bounty hunter."

Plot Holes:

• After his dad ate shit and laid dying on the ramp in the circus tent (while the crowd filed out of the stadium) everyone just sweeps up while his son Johnny watches him die.
• After stopping the news van in the middle road, Johnny never moves his motorcycle yet the van drives away, UNIMPEDED!
• Johnny Blaze is arrested for no good god-damned reason and everyone seems to know he is the Ghost Rider when there is absolutely no evidence.
• 75% of the conversations in this movie have no basis and make no sense what-so-ever.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Dreadful	Troll
Shauna
James	1.3/5	0.6/5
Martine	!Enjoyed her Kindle in the CAGE!