#29 Drive Angry

#29 Drive Angry

Year: 2011

Director: Patrick Lessier
MPAA Rating:

Epic Co-stars: Hot bi-sexual, William Fichtner, Billy Burke

Running Time: 104 mins
Cage Time: ~98%
Cage Kills: 42; all of them glorious
Cage Flip-outs: 0

James' Review: When I sat down for this film I wasn't sure what to expect which is pretty much the best place you can be just before getting your MIND FUCKING BLOWN!  Drive Angry now carries the title of being the #1 unexpected sleeper hit so far on my Cage adventure, and I don't see it being topped anytime soon.  Unfortunately, if you have a vagina you may not share my extreme excitement for this (see ratings below).  But if a set of testicles and a penis are a decent description of your mid-section then you should probably cancel whatever worthless plans you had tonight, round up a couple other people with similar genitals, and watch this film.  

Returning to earth from hell sometimes results in eye damage.  And inspirational artwork.

Nic Cage plays John Milton, an undead badass who escaped from hell to avenge his daughters death and save his granddaughter from a deranged cult of Satan worshipers who plan on sacrificing said granddaughter in an arbitrarily short period of time.  As I said, whatever plans you had tonight are now worthless.  Anyone fresh out of hell needs a little company, so Milton picks up a hot waitress (Amber Heard) and does her a favor by killing her fiance before hitting the road again to try to allude the spawn of Satan know as the Accountant (William Fichtner)  who has set out to drag him back to hell.  Start thinking of excuses now.  I could go on describing each and every amazing detail of this film, but I think we both know you'd be better off just watching it yourself.  

Driving angry sometimes results in damaged windshields.  And seeing red.

What you do need to know is that this film is a perfect execution of the Grindhouse genre and has the power to turn even skeptics (of the genre) into believers.  The execution is a bit less blatant than recent films (Tarantino and Rodriguez) that have re-popularized the genre making it feel a bit more genuine despite it's completely ridiculous subject manner.  

Escaping hell sometimes results in ultra-badass firearms.  And carrying cases presumably made of  human flesh.

Dr. Cage (as usual) executes flawlessly here.  His passion for each individual role coupled with the supreme Nouveau Shamanic style result in pure excellence.  All of his 25 kills are carried out with such precision and deliberateness that each of them is just as (if not more) pleasing to view than the last.  This, coupled with three sets of boobs and one of the most beautifully executed grindhouse scenes in cinematic history*, makes Drive Angry a definite standout in a long series (68 at the time this review was written) of impressive Cage performances.

*Kills multiple people without pulling out; one with a bottle of whiskey in his hand.  Another guys machete was shot by Cage, driving it into the center of his forehead.

Movie quotability:

• "Hell already is walking the earth. You tell him I'm coming. Tell him I'm coming to get her back."
• I Brake 4 Pussy
• "I don't disrobe before gunfire."
• "I need to reload.  You drive."
• "It's still in there.  The bullet, I can feel it."
• "It's not about your suffering, your burning.  Its about the suffering of those you love.  It's all you see..."
• "Burning is nothing, compared to watching your child's head get torn off."
• "Even in hell, there is compassion."

Plot Holes:

• Air conditioner face wound heals in a few hours.
• Infinite bridge defies the laws of physics.
• Every aspect of the movie, which makes it totally wonderful.
• Most ridiculous ending scene ever!

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	4.12/5	3.81/5
Martine	!Tapped out of the Cage!

An Ode.

An Ode to the Hair of Sir Nicolas

Anonymous

The hair of Nicolas

Is not ridiculous
No matter what you say

When you observe the Cage 
A true Shamanic sage
You'll begin to see the way

In Red Rock he Kicked-Ass
(He was also in Trespass)
He Drives Angry, but Never on Tuesday

His hair has charisma
It reeks with machisma
With one look, his tresses can slay

#28 The Sorcerer's Apprentice

#28 The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Year: 2010

Director: Jon Turteltaub
MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Alfred Molina

Running Time: 109 mins
Cage Time: 80%
Cage Kills: 0? Really?
Cage Flip-outs: 0

Shauna's Review: 

At first glance, this movie may seem like an epic let-down for fans of The Cage. No flip outs, no kills--in fact, an oddly calm and self-possessed Cage who never lets an f-bomb fly. However, consider the true depth of Mr Cage's investment   in each and every role, including this one as a steampunk reinvention of a cartoon wizard. Also his devotion to the principles of Nouveau Shamanism, which, let's face it, uniquely qualifies him to become a wizard of the highest caliber in any film, Disney or otherwise. 

Nicolas Cage as the greatest wizards of film. Gandalf, Dumbledore, and Balthazar.

In case you found the fact that they have the same damn title to be an insufficient clue (not naming names, you know who you are), this movie is loosely based on the Fantasia piece of the same name, which was in turn inspired by and set to the musical piece of the same name. If you need a refresher, Mickey gets a bit power-mad and floods his master's man-cave while attempting to use magic to do his chores. Although it seems to last indefinitely, it actually only goes on for 10 minutes, so obviously they needed to expand upon the story line somewhat to stretch this premise to 109 minutes. 

The resemblance is clear, I think.

Mean, mouse-spanking Wizard is reinvented as a kindly but sarcastically awesome Balthazar (Nicolas Cage), complete with semi-historical wardrobe and what I can only assume is real magic. In AD 740, Nic Cage's girlfriend is possessed by the evil Morgana, so he traps her and various other malevolent wizards in a Russian nesting doll set until he can find the Prime Merlinian, Merlin's successor. [Yes, we did spend most of the movie wondering why the kid would be called the Prime Meridian.] Of course this turns out to be some obnoxious kid who gets more screen time than Nic Cage, much to the movie's detriment. Balthazar mentors Kid (the titular "apprentice") who can then for some reason defeat Morgana and assorted baddies despite being unable to control a mop. [Yes, they recreate the original premise in what is undoubtedly the worst scene in the movie. Best to leave these things in the twentieth century, folks.] Nevertheless, Nic Cage does get to drive several very fast/ expensive cars, which seems to be his main prerequisite before agreeing to any (every) project. 

Witness the power of the Nouveau Shaman!

The trailer makes it look like part of the Batman franchise, but it shares a director (Turteltaub) and producer (Bruckheimer) with National Treasure, and the similarities can be seen in the film's humor and tone. As someone with juvenile taste in movies (or what I like to think of as "a childlike sense of wonder"), I enjoyed both. Nic Cage seems to get a kick out of playing this wry, laconic, determinedly optimistic sorcerer and mentor. I mean, he gets to wear a leather fedora and a badass cloak, so I think the appeal is pretty straightforward. This movie won't make the top 10 or the best quotes list, but it's amusing to watch-- easy without being simple. 

Movie quotability:

• Dave: "How'd you know my name was Dave?" Balthazar:  "Because I CAN READ MINDS! ... It's on your backpack."
• Dave: "These are old man shoes." Balthazar: "Excuse me."
• "What ever happened to 'don't touch anything'?"
• "I had a dream. You were insulting me, Dave. Repeatedly."
• Skyler: "'Hey, Nic Cage, do you want to drive a badass car?' 'Yes, what do I have to do?' 'You're a sorcerer.' 'I don't give a shit.'" 
• James: "This movie is actually pretty good."

Plot Holes:

• Somehow elementary school teacher finds Dave after he wanders many blocks away in NYC, down side alleys and INTO a fucking BUILDING, OUT OF SIGHT. 
• Shouldn't Balthazar be able to beat Horvatz in a battle, since he has had 1600 years to practice getting better at magic, while Horvatz has been stuck in a doll?
• Dave fixes the radio station by pushing buttons on a scope. 
• Train doesn't stop at train station.
• Undergrad physics student has incredible funding that allows for a secret lair and a bunch of probably expensive techy-Tesla-stuff.
• Evil sorcerers run away from pipsqueak.
• Horvath doesn't use the parasite spell on Dave, so he shouldn't get his power.
• College student radio plays top pop music.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.51/5	3.18/5
Martine	!Stayed in the cage with One Republic!