#63 Time To Kill

#63 Time To Kill (Tempo di uccidere)

Year: 1989

Director: Giuliano Montaldo
MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: Giancarlo Giannini (James Bond's friend Rene)

Running Time: 110 mins
Cage Time: 
Cage Kills: 1
Cage Flip-outs: 3

Shauna's Review: 
OK so to understand the hilarity of this movie, I have to explain the experience of watching the copy we found on thepiratebay. This is a film about Italian soldiers invading Ethiopia in 1936. The cast are all Italian actors; the director is Italian; Nic Cage (Coppola) is an Italian-American, but the rest of them actually are Italian-Italians. However, this movie was filmed in English. But the version we found was DUBBED back into Italian. They then translated that dialogue into English, so the subtitles are a terrible translation of  a translation. Italian actors, speaking English, dubbed in Italian, subtitled in English. The upshot of all this is that A) it's hard to follow what the fuck is happening (something about a toothache?), and B) we are forced to hear some lame voice coming out of Nic Cage's beautiful face. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that a Nic Cage movie without that signature Cage-style delivery is no Cage movie at all.

Don't make me watch this movie again, goddammit! 

Lieutenant Silvestri suffers a toothache and decides to reach the nearest camp hospital. En route to the dentist his vehicle has an accident, and stops near a rock. Silvestri continues by walking. On his way, he meets and rapes a young Ethiopian woman. Despite this, he and the Ethiopian fall for each other. While taking refuge in a cave Silvestri shoots at a wild animal, but the bullet ricochets and hits the woman. Silvestri continues to the dentist. Upon reaching the hospital, he reads a medical book, leading him to believe he has leprosy. As he tries to escape from Ethiopia, Silvestri must evade his former comrades and reach his wife in Italy. 

But I am very handsome. 

The guys decided you should just watch this instead: 

Movie quotability:

• Huge space to fill with our silly greatness.
• How can lives one person... with a bullet in the abdomen.
• What did "go"?
• When I was putting the clock wrist, she looked at me.
• Why is your sister has a white turban? Because he is sick?
• I and I is not got.
• She was sick. [Actual translation: She was not sick]. This would seem more relevant if you had watched the movie, which let's face it... you didn't. 

Plot Holes:

• Subtitles executed too poorly to know.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Poor	Dreadful
Shauna
James	3.07/5.00	1.31/5.00
Martine	!Dozed off in the CAGE!

#42 Captain Corelli's Mandolin

#42 Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Year: 2001

Director: John Madden
MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: Penelope Cruz, Christian Bale, Olivander

Running Time: 131 mins
Cage Time: 90%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 1

James' Review:  I must admit that my expectations were pretty low going into this one which is the prefect place to be just before being MILDLY ENTERTAINED!  Reviews from friends told me this was going to be a slow going chick flick with plenty of overacted emotional trash, but what I actually got was a medium moving chick flick with a shamanic Cage totally nailing his role as an eccentric Italian falling in love with a pretty hot chick.

Dr. Cage plays Captain Antonio Corelli; a WWII era Italian Captain stationed on a small Greek island.  Luckily for Captain C and his buddies, the Italian forces in Greece aren't playing too big of a roll in Hitler's master plan.  This leaves plenty of time for them to drink, sing, almost blow themselves up, and most important of all: try to bang the locals.  All this is very easy to do with only a single German soldier on the island who is too overwhelmed with lazy Italians to have any authority.  It isn't until the German army comes back to town and messes with the Captain's hot new love toy that he finally straightens up and grows a pair to defend the ones he loves.

As with Next, I'm pretty sure the whole purpose of this movie was to allow Cage to make out the a beautiful woman who is not his wife.  Success!

Although the flip-out count is painfully low in Captain Corelli's Mandolin there are a few bright moments that can keep even an action loving Cage fan mildly interested.  First off, even though Cage isn't explosive, he still entertains with a mediocre italian accent and some ridiculous eccentricities like counting off forty-five bars of silence before playing a solo on his mandolin.  His character oozes with such confidence that almost everything he does is entertaining because it's delivered in a slightly restrained yet classic Nouveau Shamanic style.  Second, Christian Bale fans will enjoying seeing him in a slightly different role than usual.  The best way to describe him would be "douche bag", yet I think most of the ladies will agree that he still looks pretty hot.  And finally, there are at least a half a dozen sets of boobs.  Most of these are from random Greek women which are great, but the attentive viewer will be rewarded with full dual nippage from the beautiful Penelope Cruz.  

The unfortunate reality of this film.

Although Captain Corelli's Mandolin doesn't pack the usual Cage punch with crazy flip-outs,  high flying explosions, and memorable lines, it does provide a unique role for Dr. Cage to impress us with once again.  A short hair cut allows him to portray a mildly attractive man while his er of confidence allows him to charm the audience almost as much as he does Ms. Cruz.  The main problem here was the length of the film.  Had it been cut about 30 minutes shorter and not such a test on my attention span, my tits would have been out there for Cage right next to Penelope's.

Movie quotability: total crap

• "This is terrible. I was so happy five minutes ago, looking at his butt... and now he's crying." -Shauna (of Christian Bale)
• "That is a purely psychological effect." -Penelope's dad, of a 'miracle' healing
• "I long to feel something... even if it is only pain." -Penelope; "Oh, you're going to be feeling something." -James; "A shot of Vitamin C, heh heh." -Skyler
• "Bella bambina at two o'clock!"
• "Fuck off. If you don't know what 'fuck off' means, you're welcome to come in and we'll show you. We refuse to surrender to a nation that we have defeated in Albania, and we reserve the right to surrender to a German officer of significant rank. So fuck off."
• "He even sings Shamanic." -Skyler
• "Loves enters by the eyes and also lives by the eyes, take it from me."
• "When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is! "
• "This makes me realize I should write a note to Nic Cage before something like this happens to ME. That's the whole point of this movie." -James

Plot Holes:

• None, a flawless script.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Acceptable	Acceptable
Shauna
James	2.19/5.00	2.74/5.00
Martine	! Stayed in the Cage !