#59 Grindhouse

#59 Grindhouse

Year: 2007

Director: Robert Rodriguez, Eli Roth, Quentin Tarantino, Edgar Wright, Rob Zombie

MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: 

Running Time: 191 minutes
Cage Time: 0.14%
Cage Kills/Deaths: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Skyler's Review: 
What can I even say about this movie? It is a 191 minute tome that is almost Cage free. Grindhouse is a double feature with some fake movie trailers in between. This is supposed to be artistic and that other artsy fartsy biz. The playbill looks like this:

• Full movies
1. Planet Terror (No Nicolas Cage)
2. Deathproof (No Nicolas Cage)
• Fake movie trailers
1. Machete (No Nicolas Cage)
2. Werewolf Women of the SS  (Nicolas Cage for 16 seconds)
3. Don't (No Nicolas Cage)
4. Thanksgiving (No Nicolas Cage)
5. Hobo with a Shotgun (No Nicolas Cage)

So essentially there is 190 minutes of crap with 16 seconds of gold in the middle. Don't get me wrong, the chick from Planet Terror is pretty hot, I just would have rather have seen Cage play Kurt Russell's character in Deathproof. It would have increased my overall viewing experience. 

So watch this clip and save yourself 3 hours of movie. Unless you are completing the A Year In the CAGE challenge, of course.

Movie quotability:

• "THIS IS MY (something)! AHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!"

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Outstanding	Dreadful
Shauna
James	4.66/5	3.91/5
Martine	!Stayed in the CAGE!

#45 Adaptation.

#45 Adaptation

Year: 2002

Director: Spike Jonze
MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: Meryl Streep, Chris Cooper, that guy from Office Space

Running Time: 114 min
Cage Time: 
Cage Kills: 
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Skyler's Review: 

Charlie Kaufman (Nicolas Cage) is writing a screenplay about the Orchid Thief and wants to stay true to the book and not snesationalize it with sex, action, love, just for the sake of Hollywood.

I'm already ruining this review. I can't spell. Without those red squiggles, I can't spell a thing. I'm so pathetic. No one will want to read this review. But maybe that is OK, since I am keeping with the movie. Who cares about the audience. If the audience doesn't like it they can read some other blog. It's not my responsibility to write garbage just because the average internet user has the equivalent of a 2nd grade education. I do want them to like me, though.

This movie is worth watching if just for seeing TWO Nicolas Cages on screen.

Dr. Cage also plays Charlie Kaufman's fictional twin brother, Donald. Donald lays around all the time on the ground, and wants to also become a screenwriter, but wants to go to a costly seminar about screenwriting that almost sounds like a scam. Charlie says this is stupid, because a seminar will never help you write something new, which should be the goal for all writers.

 This isn't going well. This isn't interesting at all. I wanted to write something interesting and original, and I'm just sitting here and can't even think about how to recap this movie. I can't find an anmiated gif for this review. I'm terrible.

The story Charlie is writing is about a man (named Laroche) who goes into the swamps in Florida and poaches orchids. He takes Seminole tribe members with him to try and avoid the law, saying that the natives are allowed to poach plants. The goal for Laroche is to poach the 'ghost orchid', which is very rare. Then he plans to cultivate them and sell them for a bunch of money. Then if people can buy the ghost orchid in stores, the flower would be better protected from poachers by decreasing its rarity. Also, you can make drugs.

Why don't girls look at me the way they look at Nicolas Cage. Is it because I'm bald? Women just like confidence; how can I have confidence if I am bald? Maybe I can grow a mustache. I think women like mustaches, or at least a certain kind of woman. I wonder if I would know what to do with the kind of woman that likes mustaches. What if I can't grow a mustache?

The meta-Cage of this movie is amazing. Not only is there Nicolas Cage playing two people (Charlie and Donald), but at one point you get to see Nicolas Cage play Donald acting as Charlie. Good stuff.

Laroche is all about passion and collecting. All he wants is orchids. Before that, he was obsessed with other things. At 10 years old he collected turtles  until he gave up on them and trashed his collection. Then at 17 he collected fish, then one morning woke up and said "fuck fish" and now won't step foot in the ocean. Then he moved on to collecting something else.

If I can just end this review with an exciting animated gif, people will still like it. It doesn't even need to fit with the rest of the review. The audience won't care. I'll find a gif. That's what this needs.

As some point in the movie, we realize that the movie is a meta-movie, because the movie that is playing out is the screenplay that Charlie is currently writing. This becomes clear when Charlie has a breakthrough about how to start the movie. He repeats an echo of what we actually see as at the start of the movie. Toward the end, Charlie writes something and then we see it happen on screen.

This is obviously not from the movie, but is pretty awesome.

Movie quotability:

• Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out?
• You are what you love, not what loves you.
• I can't believe I got shot.  Isn't that fucked up?

Plot Holes:

• None.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	4.80/5	4.50/5
Martine	!Stayed in the CAGE!

#30 Deadfall

#30 Deadfall

Year: 1993

Director: Christopher Coppola

MPAA Rating: 

Epic Co-stars: Charlie Sheen, Talia Shire, James Coburn

Running Time: 98 mins
Cage Time: 30%
Cage Kills: 1
Cage Flip-outs: 6

/r/onetruegod's (failed) Review: Cage's performance here, as I see it, is building off that of Dennis Hopper in the film Blue Velvet. However, Cage gives a more nuanced take on the character, showing his deep-seated insecurities and rage.  Deadfall was directed by the brother of Our Lord, Christopher Coppola. This explains how he was able to capture the essence of the Cage so perfectly.*

Entering 17 minutes into the film, Cage steals the show which isn't hard to do because everyone else is an absolutely terrible actor.  When Dr. Cage isn't gracing the screen, the audience is forced to suffer through terrible narration and some sad emotional sex but is finally slightly rewarded with a glimpse of a pretty nicely executed cake in the shape of a horsey.  When Dr Cage is on the screen, the audience is treated to the worst (and by worst I mean BEST) mustache ever coupled with some of the most terrible (and by terrible I mean awesome)  hair in all of cinema.  Using these two small props, Dr. Cage transforms into one of the most memorable psychotic popper-addicted ruthless criminals in cinematic history.     Sadly, he is only on screen for about 30 minutes before performing an exit that is almost as spectacular as his character.

The Nouveau Shaman mastering his craft.

You are never too old to throw a fit on your bed.

Upon deeper contemplation of Deadfall, one will see many similarities between it the film and the /r/onetruegod community.  When initially introduced, both are very interesting and inspire thoughts like "how have I gone by whole life without seeing this" or "finally, something that is so awesome nothing else will ever surpass it".  But only after one becomes completely immersed (in Deadfall or the /r/onetruegod subreddit) he soon realizes that it is really 1% genius and 99% horseshit.  Both the film and the subreddit are built around a core of pure artistic genius, but in each case the genius is all but wasted by the mindless generic crap that surrounds it.  Luckily for both of them, videos like this (video may contain spoilers) or Cats like this will always remain to remind us of the pure artistic beauty that is so often totally washed out by the vast quantities uninspired garbage that tries to imitate it. 

*Thanks to /r/onetruegod member "thegreatwhitemenace" for providing your most valuable input to this review.  You are the one man truly devoted to his god even while surrounded by 7788 half-assed posers.  May your Mountain Dew be sweet. 

Movie quotability:

• "What's the matter, cat got your fucking toungue?"
• "This fucking fucker's fucked!"
• "Time to kiss the baby, friend...  Wahh."
• "I'll fuck you all summer long baby.  All summer long..."
• "Fuck fuck fuck, fuckin fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  Fuck.  Hi-fuckin' YA!!"
• "Okay baby girl, who sent you?  Who sent ya?!?"
• "Someones tryin' to fuckin' kill me man!!!!"
• "Fucking hangers!!!"
• "What am I, a fuckin' retard man?  Am I a fucking retard huh?  I know what this is.  Lou's trying to snuff me out because of his crazy little nephew being around.  Well vive la fucking France man..."

Plot Holes:

• Every person everywhere is a shifty eyed creep.
• Any sane person would just keep the bracelet.
• Strip club has fog machine.
• Guy is into foreplay when having sex with a whore.
• Strange scissor hand super villain supposed to be taken seriously in non fantasy movie.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Dreadful
Shauna
James	4.89/5	0.46/5
Martine	!Started reading after 59 minutes in the cage!