#39 Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

#39 Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance 

Year: 2011

Director: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
MPAA Rating: PG-13

Epic Co-stars: Ciaran Hinds, Idris Elba

Running Time: 95 mins
Cage Time: 
Cage Kills: 43
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Shauna's Review: 

If you were waiting for the movie where you get to see Nic Cage piss fire, you've finally found it. Your expectations for this movie, like ours, may be incredibly low following Ghost Rider I, but Spirit of Vengeance at least represents a measurable improvement over its predecessor. 

The directors (previously of Crank) bring a touch of Shoot 'Em Up (or, you know, Crank) to this film, which can only help it. The most significant improvement is to Cage's character Johnny Blaze. Whereas in the first film Cage's great dynamic range was stifled to a terribly dull, Kevin Costner-esque moderation, in this movie Cage's true dramatic and comedic abilities are showcased to great effect. Heaven knows I could happily watch the flesh melt off of Nic Cage's screaming face for hours on end. 

Ah, bliss.

The creative "minds" behind this movie have made a few changes to the canon. The Ghost Rider is basically the Hulk in this movie. Although more familiar with his alter-ego, Nicolas Cage still sweatily strains to hold it in check. Also he appears to be high on crack (you may notice a common theme among Cage's greater films). I know if *I* were playing the main character in this movie, drugs would help tremendously. 

I'm not sure if you know this, but... I've got the magic in me. Also cocaine.

The penance stare seems to have evolved a little bit... in that it now takes longer and is more like a makeout sesh, ending in the baddie dissolving in a fiery poof. Also the Rider is announced by that same sci-fi noise you've heard before in the Matrix/Lost/Transformers/Every Sci-fi Movie Ever, which is (redundant, but) creepy and awesome. I'll allow it.What makes this movie so much better than the first is that we get to see Cage AS the Rider, instead of as a boring do-gooder who morphs into a CGI Non-Shamanic Rider. 


I'm not going to bother with a recap of the plot of this film, because it is utterly ridiculous and wouldn't hold up under the slightest of scrutinies. Needless to say, every moment of film without Cage is one wasted, terrible moment, and slowly those moments wear you down until you are praying for merciful death. The writing is so awfully bad that Blaze actually compares murder to illegal downloading. And not in like a funny, ironic way. On the plus side, Cage's interviews with Nathaniel Lippiett are beautiful and amazing. 

Have you ever been dragged out to the sidewalk and beaten until you PISSED FIRE??

In sum, I'm not sure if Cage's performance is SO legendary that you should voluntarily subject yourself to it (outside of your AYITC requirements, of course); I'm sure you can think of at least one Cageriffic alternate. But he does give an enjoyably Shamanic experience in an otherwise crap film. 

Movie quotability:

• "Same plot as Dennis the Menace?" -Skyler, hopefully
• "I did a bare ass 360 triple back flip in front of twenty two thousand people. It's kind of funny, it's on Youtube, check it out."
• "Why does the devil walk in human form anyway? I have no idea."
• "And you don't want to be around when that happens, see there's good and bad in all of us, and maybe you're not a murderer, but you did something that you didn't want the Rider to see, a white lie, an illegal download, what about you? And you?"
• "That's the guy? He looks like he works on a crew ship."
• "No, I got it. You're the devil's baby mama."
• "Yeah, Black, French, kind of a dick? You know him?"
• "That guy does looks like a younger, more attractive Kurt Russell." -James
• "He's scraping at the door! Scraping at the door!!!"
• "Good girl."
• "There was a bee. I thought it was going to sting your face."
• "They made a mistake with Christian Bale. They should have just gone with him as Batman." -Skyler
• "Go. Home."

Plot Holes:

• Shotgun RPGs?
• Martine (a mom) says that chick is not convincing as a real mom.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Dreadful
Shauna
James	4.16	1.43
Martine	Fell asleep in the Cage. Hell yes.

#38 Lord of War

#38 Lord of War

Year: 2005

Director: Andrew Niccol

MPAA Rating:

Epic Co-stars: Ethan Hawke, Jared Leto, Bridget Moynahan

Running Time: 122 minutes
Cage Time: 100%
Cage Kills/Deaths: 6 billion
Cage Flip-outs: 0

Special Guest Review By the Die Hard Cage fan simply known as "Steve": 

"Normally I don't bother to count the Cage flip-outs because I quickly run out of fingers to count on. This time I was easily able to keep track of them, there weren't any! He even manages to keep his cool after getting shot and even after his brother gets killed.

Just another day at the office for a typical business man.

There were plenty of plot holes to go around, such as stripping the plane down to its skeleton in one night, including removal of 4 massive engines and numerous gallons of jet fuel.  This movie was mildly entertaining and was supposed to have a message regarding governments supplying arms to various conflicts around the globe, but in the end is a fairly forgettable movie. I know, because it wasn't till there were about 30 minutes left in the movie that I realized I had seen it a couple years ago."

Unfortunately for us, Cage plays the most calm Ukrainian in the history of loud angry Ukrainians.

A few things you in for in the two hours after you push play are...

• Great opening sequence, life of a bullet including the ending when it hits a kid in the face. 

• Hot chick walking on jets at German defense show.  

• Nicolas Cage (Yuri Olav) scrapes cash up while children are being shot next to him with his guns.  

• A Badass office located in a shipping container.  

• Nic Cage lets his brother snort a kg of Coke.  

Cage figures out why you should never let your brother snort a kg of Coke.

• AK-47 is the best gun ever.  

• Ethan Hawke looks like Christian Bale in the Machinist.  But unlike Christian Bale, Ethan Hawke unfortunately looks like this all the time.

• A Free gun give-away from the back of a plane.  

• Cool shot with a plan being disassembled overnight.

• Snorts Coke mixed with gun powder.  Falls in to a drug induced haze and ends up hanging out with Hyenas in the desert.

• If you only have one phone call, call your lawyer not your wife.

• Cage is just a cog in a much larger arms dealing machine controlled by the US government.

• Nic Cage looks at the camera and talks.

Movie quotability:

• "The first time you sell a gun is like the first time having sex.  It's really exciting and somehow it's over way too fast."
• "This is shit.  This is shit."
• "Faster or I'll send your ASS! IN!"
• "I don't believe in fate..."
• "It's not 'lord of war,' it's 'warlord.'"
• "Any friend of my brother's is a... friend of my brother's."
• "The only problem with an honest buck is they're so hard to make - the margins are too low, too many people are doin' it."
• "At four and a half months old, a human fetus has a reptile's tail, a remnant of our evolution. And maybe that's what I can't escape. You can fight a lot of enemies and survive, but if you fight your own biology, you will always lose."

Plot Holes:

• Nicolas Cage talks on the phone to speed talkers.  Based on his replies nobody on earth could talk that fast.
• 30 minutes after being shot in the abdomen Nic Cage is seemingly unfazed for no other reason than that he is NIC CAGE!
• Simultaneously night time in both Ukraine and New York.
• Africans holding baskets can't hear airplanes 100 yards away.
• Ethan Hawke chases Nic Cage all over the world and continually lets him go on technicalities.
• [SPOILER] Nic Cage's wife thinks her husband is selling arms, so she brings her 4 year old son with her to trail him and discover his awesome shipping container lair.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Acceptable	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.57/5	3.98/5
Martine	!Put down her book for the last 30 minutes of the CAGE!

#37 Racing with the Moon

#37 Racing with the Moon

Year: 1984

Director: Richard Benjamin
MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Sean Penn, Elizabeth McGovern

Running Time: 108 min
Cage Time: 20%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Skyler's Review: 

In short, this film is about some kids (Cage and Penn) whose numbers have come up for the draft of WW2 (for those of you that don't remember a time before Twitter, that is World War Two, the one against the Nazis). Since they know they are off to war after the summer, they spend their time in a sort of limbo. They make impulsive decisions and dangerous ones.

If you cut out all of the scenes with Sean Penn, the movie would have been much shorter; almost watchable.

Cage's character keeps on telling Penn's character to find some girls to just have some fun with since they are about to bug out. Penn's character then falls in love; oops. Generally, Nic Cage is awesome, as always; Sean Penn is the worst since as I was watching all I could think about is all the terrible things Penn said about the Master of the Screen. (If you don't know what I am referring to, see our previous review for #36 Fast Times).

These two are racing a train. They never race the moon. Awful.

This is now two films in a row that have more Sean Penn than Nic Cage on the screen. Two films in a row that has characters getting abortions. Two films in a row that made me wish I was watching something else. Except for when Dr. Cage was delivering his part, of course.

Movie quotability:

• "This movie makes no goddamn sense."-James
• "Is this a slasher?"-Skyler
• "I like how all graveyards have smoke blowing through them, regardless of the time of day."-James
• "I bet she looks like a rose and smells as sweet." -Sean Penn's dad, creepily
• "Oh, Mrs. Spangler- religion's a little shaky."-Caddie
• "I ain't gonna be no sap to some skirt."- NC
• "Come back nurse. I wanna show you my "wound"" -Cage

Plot Holes:

• Sean Penn is terrible.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Acceptable	Dreadful
Shauna
James	2.25/5	2.25/5
Martine	!Wasted two hours in the CAGE!