#28 The Sorcerer's Apprentice

#28 The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Year: 2010

Director: Jon Turteltaub
MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Alfred Molina

Running Time: 109 mins
Cage Time: 80%
Cage Kills: 0? Really?
Cage Flip-outs: 0

Shauna's Review: 

At first glance, this movie may seem like an epic let-down for fans of The Cage. No flip outs, no kills--in fact, an oddly calm and self-possessed Cage who never lets an f-bomb fly. However, consider the true depth of Mr Cage's investment   in each and every role, including this one as a steampunk reinvention of a cartoon wizard. Also his devotion to the principles of Nouveau Shamanism, which, let's face it, uniquely qualifies him to become a wizard of the highest caliber in any film, Disney or otherwise. 

Nicolas Cage as the greatest wizards of film. Gandalf, Dumbledore, and Balthazar.

In case you found the fact that they have the same damn title to be an insufficient clue (not naming names, you know who you are), this movie is loosely based on the Fantasia piece of the same name, which was in turn inspired by and set to the musical piece of the same name. If you need a refresher, Mickey gets a bit power-mad and floods his master's man-cave while attempting to use magic to do his chores. Although it seems to last indefinitely, it actually only goes on for 10 minutes, so obviously they needed to expand upon the story line somewhat to stretch this premise to 109 minutes. 

The resemblance is clear, I think.

Mean, mouse-spanking Wizard is reinvented as a kindly but sarcastically awesome Balthazar (Nicolas Cage), complete with semi-historical wardrobe and what I can only assume is real magic. In AD 740, Nic Cage's girlfriend is possessed by the evil Morgana, so he traps her and various other malevolent wizards in a Russian nesting doll set until he can find the Prime Merlinian, Merlin's successor. [Yes, we did spend most of the movie wondering why the kid would be called the Prime Meridian.] Of course this turns out to be some obnoxious kid who gets more screen time than Nic Cage, much to the movie's detriment. Balthazar mentors Kid (the titular "apprentice") who can then for some reason defeat Morgana and assorted baddies despite being unable to control a mop. [Yes, they recreate the original premise in what is undoubtedly the worst scene in the movie. Best to leave these things in the twentieth century, folks.] Nevertheless, Nic Cage does get to drive several very fast/ expensive cars, which seems to be his main prerequisite before agreeing to any (every) project. 

Witness the power of the Nouveau Shaman!

The trailer makes it look like part of the Batman franchise, but it shares a director (Turteltaub) and producer (Bruckheimer) with National Treasure, and the similarities can be seen in the film's humor and tone. As someone with juvenile taste in movies (or what I like to think of as "a childlike sense of wonder"), I enjoyed both. Nic Cage seems to get a kick out of playing this wry, laconic, determinedly optimistic sorcerer and mentor. I mean, he gets to wear a leather fedora and a badass cloak, so I think the appeal is pretty straightforward. This movie won't make the top 10 or the best quotes list, but it's amusing to watch-- easy without being simple. 

Movie quotability:

• Dave: "How'd you know my name was Dave?" Balthazar:  "Because I CAN READ MINDS! ... It's on your backpack."
• Dave: "These are old man shoes." Balthazar: "Excuse me."
• "What ever happened to 'don't touch anything'?"
• "I had a dream. You were insulting me, Dave. Repeatedly."
• Skyler: "'Hey, Nic Cage, do you want to drive a badass car?' 'Yes, what do I have to do?' 'You're a sorcerer.' 'I don't give a shit.'" 
• James: "This movie is actually pretty good."

Plot Holes:

• Somehow elementary school teacher finds Dave after he wanders many blocks away in NYC, down side alleys and INTO a fucking BUILDING, OUT OF SIGHT. 
• Shouldn't Balthazar be able to beat Horvatz in a battle, since he has had 1600 years to practice getting better at magic, while Horvatz has been stuck in a doll?
• Dave fixes the radio station by pushing buttons on a scope. 
• Train doesn't stop at train station.
• Undergrad physics student has incredible funding that allows for a secret lair and a bunch of probably expensive techy-Tesla-stuff.
• Evil sorcerers run away from pipsqueak.
• Horvath doesn't use the parasite spell on Dave, so he shouldn't get his power.
• College student radio plays top pop music.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.51/5	3.18/5
Martine	!Stayed in the cage with One Republic!

#18 Kick-Ass

#18 Kick-Ass

Year: 2010

Director: Matthew Vaughn

MPAA Rating:  R 

Epic Co-stars: McLovin'

Running Time: 117 min.
Cage Time: ~50%
Cage Kills: 7
Cage Flip-outs: 3

Fielding's Review:  
(We are proud to introduce our first guest reviewer on ayearinthecage.  We have been contacted by several Cage superfans who are also spending a year in the cage and have agreed to let them un-cage their passion in the form of a guest review.  
Fielding Winsteford is a very passionate fan bringing his words all the way from the city of Boston where he is currently an author for the New Yorker magazine.  He claims to have always been a Nicolas Cage fan, but his love for the Cage really took hold when taking a film class while working on his Masters of Literature at Yale.)


I watched this movie recently and it was really good.  Nic Cage sort of looked like a nerdy douche when the movie opened, but it quickly became apparent that he was totally bad ass.  His daughter is some sort of killing prodigy that can kill anyone she wants even though she is only like 9.  This is proof that Nic Cage is totally bad ass because he is probably the one who taught her.


The movie follows the life of Dave Lizewski who is played by Aaron Johnson.  Dave is a total comic book dork who can't seem to find any good reason why normal comic book dorks can't also be real life comic book super heroes.  He buys a wet suit online.  Then he puts the wet suit on.  Then he gets excited about how "kick-ass" he looks.  Then he goes outside and gets the shit kicked out of him.  Luckily for our hero, some hot chicks come into the picture and he decides to keep fighting.  Even luckier for our hero, Nicolas Cage and his daughter also enter the picture and are super bad ass at fighting.  Enter nerdy rival super villian who has some totally cool gear and you've got good movie entertainment material.

Sure he may have stolen Batman's costume a little bit, but at least he takes joy in murdering people with knives.

Kickass isn't a standout movie just due to Nicolas Cage.  The Nouveau Shamanic style is kept under wraps here mostly because the movie doesn't need it.  Overall Kickass is great due to a good story and big amount of violence and gore.  Sure, a little bit of sexual fantasy involving a big boobed english teacher and a little bit of the boning of hot chicks is in there.  But what really gets things going good are the gangs beating a man brutally and a man being cuffed to the steering wheel inside a car, which is crushed along with him in it in and car compactor.  Blood splatters on the windshield.  And that is just a tasty sample of what you get to see in this film.

Scanning from top to bottom in my opinion you got boring hair, lame dorky glasses, and probably the best mustache I've ever seen on a human.  If I could grow a mustache like that then I could kiss all my "pussy problems" goodbye.

I will end my guest review by commenting on Nicolas Cage's appearance in the movie.  His hair kind of blows because it is boring and just sits there and doesn't look like really anything that good.  This isn't a major problem because he wears glasses and that mostly makes you notice them and not his hair.  A lot of other times he has a mask.  He does have a totally dope mustache that makes him look pretty manly.  I couldn't tell if it was fake or not.  I hope it wasn't fake because I think he looks really cool with it and he should grow it back to look just like that in real life except for bushier.  

Movie quotability:

• (shoots daughter) "Now you know how it feels, so you won't be scared when some junkie asshole pulls a Glock." 
• "Good call, baby doll."
• "Good at getting his ass, kicked.  They should call him Ass Kicked instead."

Plot Holes:

• None

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Acceptable	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.74/5	4.11/5
Martine	!Loved being in the cage!