#64 Vampire's Kiss


#64 Vampire's Kiss
Year: 1988
Director: Robert Bierman
MPAA Rating: R
Epic Co-stars: Jennifer Beals
Running Time: 103 mins
Cage Time: 99.5%
Cage Kills: 1
Cage Flip-outs: 8/infinity
Shauna's Review: 
Skyler and James have been creaming their pants to watch this movie for about 11 months (ever since they saw this video, which you may have already seen in the sidebar, to your right). Vampire's Kiss fills the first 49 seconds with some prime Cage-outs. Suffice it to say, you should obviously watch that video immediately, if you haven't, and get equally juiced up about watching this cinematic masterpiece.

Really sink your teeth into it. 
We open to an annoyingly long and misleadingly dull opening credits scene. Fortunately, the first voice you hear is Cage's dulcet timbre, complete with a wildly fake accent, 50% New England prep-schooler, 200% insane. He is lying on a leather couch, discussing his fear of commitment with his therapist in a stylish New York office. Cage describes how he brings home an endless string of women, immediately tiring of them in the morning, which means... he holds interest for about 8 hours longer than most men. He seems to think this means he needs therapy.

Cage goes to a jazz club and picks up a drunken floozy, bringing her back to his place for some fun, unfortunately interrupted by a bat loose in his apartment. Upon later returning to his apartment (sans floozy), Cage can't find the bat anywhere. The next night, Cage picks up a different woman (Jennifer Beals, aka that girl from Flashdance) who turns out to be a VAMPIRE! TERRIFYING! Cage goes to bring her coffee in bed in the morning, and she has suddenly DISAPPEARED!

Being a public figure tends to make one tense in a crowd. 
From the bite marks on his neck, Cage begins to suspect that he has become a vampire, and his behavior becomes increasingly erratic. He becomes obsessed with a document at work and harasses the shit out of some poor secretary because she is not able to find it. It becomes the focus of his therapy sessions and consumes, bizarrely, a great deal of his time and energy. It's pretty fucking hysterical.

There are just SO MANY SCENES I want to share with you from this movie, but I won't, because you really have to see them to appreciate it. I wouldn't want to steal any WTF moments from you. Let's just say... they could have put about 50% of this movie into that YouTube video without any problems. Some of my more favorite moments: Alva's mom, getting the cheap teeth, Cage in Tunnel, the sofa coffin (see below), Alva's "pep talk," and of course the pigeon. Don't miss the commentary-- highly recommend getting this on DVD so you can hear Cage and the director muse (maybe 20 years later) about what may or may not have happened on the set of this film.


In sum, a darkly hilarious Cage gem, reminiscent of American Psycho and Dracula, Dead and Loving It (although it pre-dated both of them). Absolutely not appropriate for the whole family, but you should definitely watch it with them anyway, because everyone should see this movie.


Movie quotability:

  • "I was in mortal combat with a fucking bat, give me a break!"
  • "Oh yes, ok I know. Uh, I guess I was pretty horny... pretty keyed up from being with a girl right before. I was drunk, too, that was it. I'd had a little to drink. I was drunk. Plus I was horny."
  • "Fucking greasehole!"
  • "WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME??"
  • "How could somebody misfile something? It couldn't be easier, it's all alphabetical! (screams alphabet) I've never misfiled anything! Not once, not one time! I want to know, really, who did?!"
  • "That mescaline, wow. Does strange stuff. I'll never do that again. Jeez."
  • "There is no one else here who I could possibly ask to share such a terrible job."
  • "Are you all right, Mr Loew?" "Shut up, bitch."
  • "I'm a vampire!" (etc)
  • "My girlfriend broke up with me! I'm a vampire! Kill me! Kill me!"
  • "Christ! The tortures of the damned!"


Plot Holes:


  • Self-professed commitment phobe ends up in two romantic relationships (floozy, Beals). 


CAGEamatic
Cinematic
Skyler
Outstanding
Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James
4.99/5
4.21/5
Martine
!Incredibly, fell asleep in the Cage!

5 comments:

Ian Huff said...

Vampire's Kiss includes some of the most iconic CAGE moments in film. The bugged out eyes, the weird accent that makes you think "what is wrong with this guy?", and truly insane outbursts make this a must see film for true Cage fans.

James Ayers said...

We're saving it until the end. Our hopes are high and after being let down so much by Deadfall (Cage was epic, the movie itself was worse that we could have ever imagined) we're really counting on it to blow some minds. I'm thinking it'll be somewhere in the late 50s or early 60s.

Steve M said...

Epic Cage indeed, but rather boring and pointless as a story or plot line.

Rilifon said...

Review #6 (I think...)

Well, I'm back! (after a long time...)

After some kind of Cage spirit took over my body, I felt an urge to go back and finally write the reviews for all the movies I've saw since my last post. 'been a long time, and I may be a little rusty to write stuff, but without further ado, here is my review for this piece of art called "Vampire's Kiss".

Now, when I say art, I really mean it. I can't classify this as a movie, because I'm certain it goes beyond that, not only because of all the artistic exposure that you get from Nicolas Cage screams and biting people, but also from the fact that the rest of the "movie" simply escapes from the senses and aspects of a common storyline and goes to borderline insane.

And that's a good thing.

The Cage factor is insanely high. You can see that Nic has grown since his older days (and from the bests of times...), and probably realised that he has an unnatural gift: he learned to act not as a human, but as a living being distant from it all. And for that my respect for him, as high as it was before, grew up a little more.

The movie... well, the movie is just bizarre. I really can't think of more words to describe. But again, the acting was so graceful, weird and cageastic that makes up for it.

Overall, I give this one a 7.0, but acknowledging the start of a character that will come back in later Cage movies.

James Ayers said...

Excellent review Rilifon!

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