#57 The Boy in Blue

#57 The Boy in Blue

Year: 1986

Director: Charles Jarrot
MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: A guy that looks like Robert Downey Jr, Christopher Plummer

Running Time: 100 minutes
Cage Time: 100%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 4

Shauna's Review: 

Boy in Blue is a period film about sculling (rowing), which the intro text tells us was basically the only sport in the era that this film is set. We open to Nic Cage kicking some ass in a race, where everyone's wearing dirty (period) clothing and rowing to 80's music, inexplicably. Cage tries to smuggle some moonshine   into America (presumably his night job) and is chased down by some policemen/ religious nuttos. He ends up on a boat to Philadelphia with a man who wants to manage him in some American races. Sporting movie type cliches go here.

Cage, so hot right now, Cage.

Martine is creaming her pants about this movie about 2 minutes in. His teeth aren't great, but he is young and super-ripped and HAWT. Yum. My favorite moment so far is when James says, "This is pretty much what Canada was like then," about a scene where the characters are at a circus in Philadelphia, all waving American flags, in case you missed the part where they said they were going to Philly. Anyway, the subject material isn't all that riveting-- it's based on the true story of Ned Hanlan, a Canadian who was one of the first rowers to use a sliding seat. Yes, a sliding seat pulls a lot of focus in this movie.

I'm young and pretty, give me some money.

TRIVIA: The steamboat shown in this movie is the oldest operating steam powered vessel in North America today. Woot. If you take a quick gander at Ned Hanlan's wikipedia page, you will see that this movie is very loosely based on his life. Best not to dwell on such things and just stare into those dreamy blue eyes, or gaze at those sweaty laterals.

This gun tastes terrible! Where have you been keeping it, in your ass?

In sum, I think it's worth seeing Cage in this movie, if only to see his rippling seating muscles, tight ass, and humongous sweatpants bulge. There are also some sexy lady bits, if that's more what you're into. But Cage is the real gem here-- young, handsome, and already earnest about investing himself fully into each character.

Movie quotability:

• "Should we let them finish, sir?"
• "The Boy in Blue." "That makes me sound like some kind of fancy boy!"
• "You take the two on the right." "YOU take the two on the right."
• "Big words don't butter the beans."
• "Well, they say I look bigger with my clothes off."
• "SHE'S FINE, BUGGER OFF."

Plot Holes:

• Characters in America drinking booze.
• Souvenir pillowcases are a thing. 
• James says the clock in the background of the movie at 1:20 does not make sense.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.08/5	2.91/5
Martine	Hot and bothered in the Cage.

#56 G-Force

#56 G-Force

Year: 2009

Director: Hoyt Yeatman
MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis, Sam Rockwell, Tracy Morgan, Penelope Cruz, Jon Favreau, Steve Buschemi

Running Time: 88 mins
Cage Time: 5%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 0

Shauna's Review: 

As you may have noticed on the Epic Co-Stars list, there are a lot of freaking famous people in this kid's movie. Most of them are rodents. Dr Cage is a star-nosed mole, featuring his voice from Peggy Sue, in case you were missing it. Zach Galifianakis is probably the most humorous (not saying much) as a human person who talks to guinea pigs. Will Arnett's innate awesomeness is unfortunately subdued to a dull roar, but Penelope Cruz is still pretty goddamn sexy as a guinea pig, go figure.

The mole is the mole! Oh, spoiler alert.

Zach Galifianakis runs a Homeland Security special unit comprised of 3 guinea pigs, a mole (Nic Cage) a fly, and some cockroaches. On the eve of a crucial performance review, they run an op and retrieve a secret file from the computer of an evil bad guy (Bill Nighy, of course). When the big boss (Will Arnett) shows up for the review, the stolen file turns out to be the plans for an espresso maker, and their unit is canned. The animals are taken to a pet shop and must escape to meet back up with Zach. Hilarious pet-related hijinks ensue. It turns out that the espresso maker (and all of the other appliances in the world) is some kind of transformer robot weapon, so the guinea pigs have to save the world from the evil bad guy.

Zach Galifiankis: "This is actually preferable to Hangover 2."

This was actually... not terrible. Not great, certainly, but not terrible. I mean, it's not like this has any real character development or plot interest, but I appreciate the Jerry Bruckheimer style (The Rock, Con Air) in a kid's movie, what can I say? Unfortunately, the soundtrack is 100% Black Eyed Peas, and Cage time is limited.

Movie quotability:

• "I'm a mole, I've got a thing for worms."
• "No escape! I repeat, no escape!"
• "No, not the cage! I don't do cages!"
• "C'mon Specks, act cute." "I don't have that kind of range."
• "I wanted you to think of yourselves as more than just balls of fur, waiting for your next pellet."
• "You ever google the word 'mole'?... Three million entries on how to exterminate them!"

Plot Holes:

• In a movie where guinea pigs are superspies... what plots holes could there be?

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Acceptable	Poor
Shauna
James	3.14159/5	2.19/5
Martine	Pacified the baby in the Cage.

#55 Never on Tuesday

#55 Never on Tuesday

Year: 1989

Director: Adam Rifkin

MPAA Rating:

Epic Co-stars: Gilbert Gottfried, Charlie Sheen, the coach from Mighty Ducks

Running Time: 89 minutes
Cage Time: < 1%
Cage Kills/Deaths: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 0

Group Review: When Nicolas Cage, the greatest actor in human history, is credited in a movie as "man in red car" you know you are in for a real shit show.  Is that what you get?  Read on and find out...

This has nothing to do with the movie.  It's just a picture of our cat Nicky who watches every  film with is.  He's a big Cage fan.

Two dudes go on a road trip from Ohio for L.A., Cali to see some T&A. They start with a painful conversation about their hair. Yeah, the guys. They immediately crash into a red VW bug with a "hot" chick in it. This really pissed us off because the only reason we are watching this movie is to Nicolas Cage play the bit part "man in red car." We saw the main characters hit a red car and were super excited, but alas, no Cage here; keep watching. More boring conversation, then... RED CAR! RED CAR! Lo and behold a fake-nosed Nicolas Cage steps out of a car and says "Is anybody hurt? Can I give somebody a lift? (laughs maniacally) " (much like how he delivered the line "You mean, my wang?" from Peggy Sue), laughs, and drives off.  That's it folks! 10 minutes in and there is no more Cage in store for us. But that 20 seconds with him on the screen was worth it. It was like a cross between Charlie Bodell and Acid Yellow. After this the movie goes about like this: They say "lesbo" a lot. Stuff happens (and by "stuff" I mean not really much of anything).  We see tits. Roll credits.

It's okay if his nose scares you.  He is only testing your love.  Submit to it.

In case you didn't figure it out the answer to the previously asked question it is yes, a total shit show.  Despite this fact, Cage's "Man in Red Car" was delivered with more style and creativity than any other man in any colored car and all of cinematic history.  Using his shamanic powers he takes what would have been a throw away part to any other hack-job of an actor and turns it into something unexpected, funny, jarring, strange, and above all memorable.  Just another small gift to all his children...      ...thank you father.

Movie quotability:

• "California or boobs" - bumper sticker
• "Is anybody hurt? CanI give comebody a lift?"

Plot Holes:

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Dreadful
Shauna
James	3.77/5	2.01/5
Martine	!Read in the CAGE!