#2 Guarding Tess


#2 Guarding Tess
Year: 1994
Director: Hugh Wilson
MPAA Rating: PG-13 
Epic Co-stars: Richard Griffiths, Shirley MacLaine
Running Time: 96 mins
Cage Time: ~99%
Cage Kills:  0.1 
Cage Flip-outs: 6
James' Review:  Some sparks really fly (but mostly fizzle) when Doug Chesnic is placed on security duty for a miserable old iron-box bitch that happens to be the widow of a nameless/faceless former US president.  A young clean-cut Nick Cage does about all he can with the somewhat robotic role of a FBI security agent who appears to hate his job despite having literally no external friends, family, lovers or any other human relationships mentioned throughout the film.  

Early on as the story presented an unexplained and unwarranted affection the ex-first lady had for Mr. Chesnic, I found myself with a growing excitement that this was the ground work for an ultra-hot and raunchy inter-generational sex scene that would allow an exceptionally gifted actor such as Nicolas Cage to really show off his range as a performer.  Alas, this affection turned out to be the result of severely mediocre script writing that requires unexplained actions and emotions from the characters just to advance the story line.  

At the end of the day, I have to assume that Mr. Cage chose this role as a challenge to himself to see if he could turn water into wine, or in this case, mostly bull-shit writing and flat co-stars into a highly enjoyable 90 minute escape from reality for his fans.  And to this I only have to say, "Well Played Sir, you have done it again."

Quotes:
  • "I'd choose Mr. Ed in a second."
  • "I merely... removed the bud."
  • "Why don't you just go to hell... okay Douggie?"
  • "Get in the god-damned chair."

Plot Holes:
  • Frederick makes a 36 inch cheese sandwich and doesn't immediately consume it. 
  • SPOILER: Old lady said she had brain cancer within the first 5 minutes of the movie.
  • SPOILER: Old lady was followed by several agents to medical center for mysterious visit, but nobody inquired why she was there.
  • SPOILER: When old lady was dying in helicopter, the feds and locals had some sort of long and drawn out musical chair session where she seemed to be the last thing on anyone's mind.


CAGEamatic
Cinematic
Skyler
Below Expectation
Below Expectations
Shauna
James
1.5/5
3.08/5
Martine
!Stayed in the cage!

2 comments:

James said...

This movie was one shocking sex scene away from total perfection.

Steve M said...

Pretty good review James, but I'll have to disagree about a few points you made. This first is that he's not FBI, he's a Special Agent In Charge for the Secret Service. Also, when Tess mentions inoperable brain tumor in the first 5 minutes she's listing 3 things and asking Doug (Cage) to pick which one was true, and that turn out to be going to the opera, but it was enough of a hint that people seeing the movie for the first time might ponder her remark till it is revealed. The mysterious medical condition is her headaches. You think that old iron-box bitch told those baby sitting Secret Service agents anything personal? The only bit that bugged me is when Cage was calling in the license plate of the car and says the letter "k" ("kilo" in the phonetic alphabet) as "kill-oh" instead of "key-loh". Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Cage! I sure hope you get that straightened out before I watch "Lord of War" and you have to take a payment of 6 kill-ohs of cocaine.

Any how, I got this on DVD which was a nice refresher on what is good about VHS tapes. Who decided that a DVD should have sections that we are forced to view and cannot skip past? Honestly, I've seen your dire warnings about piracy in 33 languages hundreds of times and I just want to enjoy the movie already. My thanks to those DVDs that just jump to the menu within seconds of inserting the disc.

This was my first time watching this movie other than seeing a few minutes here or there on the TV. Getting to see the first part where Cage is forced to return to guard Tess and the resulting battle of the wills is a lot more enjoyable when you have some context. It was nice to see Cage holding himself back and mumbling "yes ma'am" rather than foaming at the mouth every other scene, it really make the shooting of the toe one of the highlights for me because I wasn't expecting the yelling and violence from Doug. Cage must have really enjoyed letting himself loose for that scene.

All is all it was a slow but enjoyable movie that you can watch with the family or significant other.

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