#30 Deadfall

#30 Deadfall

Year: 1993

Director: Christopher Coppola

MPAA Rating: 

Epic Co-stars: Charlie Sheen, Talia Shire, James Coburn

Running Time: 98 mins
Cage Time: 30%
Cage Kills: 1
Cage Flip-outs: 6

/r/onetruegod's (failed) Review: Cage's performance here, as I see it, is building off that of Dennis Hopper in the film Blue Velvet. However, Cage gives a more nuanced take on the character, showing his deep-seated insecurities and rage.  Deadfall was directed by the brother of Our Lord, Christopher Coppola. This explains how he was able to capture the essence of the Cage so perfectly.*

Entering 17 minutes into the film, Cage steals the show which isn't hard to do because everyone else is an absolutely terrible actor.  When Dr. Cage isn't gracing the screen, the audience is forced to suffer through terrible narration and some sad emotional sex but is finally slightly rewarded with a glimpse of a pretty nicely executed cake in the shape of a horsey.  When Dr Cage is on the screen, the audience is treated to the worst (and by worst I mean BEST) mustache ever coupled with some of the most terrible (and by terrible I mean awesome)  hair in all of cinema.  Using these two small props, Dr. Cage transforms into one of the most memorable psychotic popper-addicted ruthless criminals in cinematic history.     Sadly, he is only on screen for about 30 minutes before performing an exit that is almost as spectacular as his character.

The Nouveau Shaman mastering his craft.

You are never too old to throw a fit on your bed.

Upon deeper contemplation of Deadfall, one will see many similarities between it the film and the /r/onetruegod community.  When initially introduced, both are very interesting and inspire thoughts like "how have I gone by whole life without seeing this" or "finally, something that is so awesome nothing else will ever surpass it".  But only after one becomes completely immersed (in Deadfall or the /r/onetruegod subreddit) he soon realizes that it is really 1% genius and 99% horseshit.  Both the film and the subreddit are built around a core of pure artistic genius, but in each case the genius is all but wasted by the mindless generic crap that surrounds it.  Luckily for both of them, videos like this (video may contain spoilers) or Cats like this will always remain to remind us of the pure artistic beauty that is so often totally washed out by the vast quantities uninspired garbage that tries to imitate it. 

*Thanks to /r/onetruegod member "thegreatwhitemenace" for providing your most valuable input to this review.  You are the one man truly devoted to his god even while surrounded by 7788 half-assed posers.  May your Mountain Dew be sweet. 

Movie quotability:

• "What's the matter, cat got your fucking toungue?"
• "This fucking fucker's fucked!"
• "Time to kiss the baby, friend...  Wahh."
• "I'll fuck you all summer long baby.  All summer long..."
• "Fuck fuck fuck, fuckin fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  Fuck.  Hi-fuckin' YA!!"
• "Okay baby girl, who sent you?  Who sent ya?!?"
• "Someones tryin' to fuckin' kill me man!!!!"
• "Fucking hangers!!!"
• "What am I, a fuckin' retard man?  Am I a fucking retard huh?  I know what this is.  Lou's trying to snuff me out because of his crazy little nephew being around.  Well vive la fucking France man..."

Plot Holes:

• Every person everywhere is a shifty eyed creep.
• Any sane person would just keep the bracelet.
• Strip club has fog machine.
• Guy is into foreplay when having sex with a whore.
• Strange scissor hand super villain supposed to be taken seriously in non fantasy movie.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Dreadful
Shauna
James	4.89/5	0.46/5
Martine	!Started reading after 59 minutes in the cage!

#21 It Could Happen to You

#21 It Could Happen to You

Year: 1994

Director: Andrew Bergman

MPAA Rating: PG 

Epic Co-stars: Rosie Perez, Stanley Tucci

Running Time: 101 mins
Cage Time: 95%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 2

Shauna's Review: 
It's no wonder that this movie is rated PG, because the story was clearly intended to appeal to the 12-and-under crowd. The plot has all the complex facets and unpredictable plot twists of a Disney  channel made-for-TV movie. Charlie Lang (Nic Cage) is an utterly wholesome and self-righteous cop who lives in Queens. He is so staunchly, boringly good that you could almost start to sympathize with his wholly greedy wife, Muriel, were she not played by the singularly irritating Rosie Perez, who has a voice like the Hispanic love child of Fran Drescher and Steve Urkel. She is as flatly selfish as he is unselfish, and it's apparent from the beginning that we are supposed to be hoping that Prince Charlie will find a way out of his marriage to the Evil Queen. 

I am SO GOOD at Photoshop. 

Luckily, we spot Cinderella (the ponderously named Yvonne Biasi, played by Bridget Fonda) almost immediately. Poor Cinderella is broke as a result of her marriage to a terrible villain, er, actor, and is adorably cranky when she meets Prince Charlie in the coffee shop where she works. Prince Charlie is disproportionately distraught not to have enough cash for a tip on two cups of coffee, and offers Cinderella half of his hypothetical lottery winnings from tonight's Powerball. Spoiler! He wins $4 million and is staunchly determined to keep his promise, despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that it will obviously ruin his marriage. Anyway, the rest of it's pretty straightforward-- the villains act greedily and selfishly, the heroes act honorably and unselfishly, movie justice prevails, etc. 


The primary problem with this movie is that Cage was cast as the hero, rather than the villain. Rosie Perez is in a near-constant state of hysteria, which I think is really Cage's area of expertise. To see him in a boring haircut, with a sub-normal amount of rage and virtually no violent tendencies is really a waste of his talent. I can imagine a movie where Bridget Fonda plays the sweet, emotionally battered wife to Cage's volatile, almost frighteningly greedy and selfish bastard of a husband. They win the lottery and she wants to give the money away, he stalks her around Queens like Death in Final Destination. Hilarity ensues! Now THAT's a rom-com I could get behind. 

Or Nic Cage AS Rosie Perez-- that would also make an excellent film. 

If you liked Moonstruck, but wished that it were a bit more predictable, you might like this movie. If you are twelve and a girl, you might like this movie. If you are able to discuss what Bridget Fonda's nipples may or may not look like for approximately an hour and a half, you may stay awake during this movie. Otherwise....

Seriously, what is up with those boobies?

Movie quotability: 0/5

• "The veins, they're bulging out of your neck.... You look like a psycho."
• "Decaf, please. I've reached my target heart rate for the day."

Plot Holes:

• Mad scientist works at a crappy diner. 
• Rosie Perez flips out instead of Nic Cage. Many, many times.
• Too many white people live in Queens.
• Nic Cage: "Is anybody here?" while Bridget Fonda is sitting in a booth 6 feet away.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Acceptable	Acceptable
Shauna
James	1.05/5	1.98/5
Martine	!Fell asleep in the Cage!

#9 Trespass

#9 Trespass

Year: 2011

Director: Joel Shumacher

MPAA Rating: R 

Epic Co-stars: Nicole Kidman

Running Time: 91 mins.
Cage Time: 85%
Cage Kills: 1
Cage Flip-outs: 3

Shauna's Review: Home invasion thrillers are, as a genre, some of the best and most finely-wrought suspense films. Fighting it out with a gang of baddies on your home turf is both advantageous (you know the house better than they do) and unsettling (they've invaded your privacy, and your goddamn family is there, inevitably screaming/crying/basically useless). How will you use your wits to save your family and accidentally-on-purpose probably end up killing those bad guys? 

If you're thinking of your favorite home invasion movies at this point-- Panic Room, When a Stranger Calls, Wait Until Dark, Home Alone, etc-- it's probably best to set those thoughts aside before watching Trespass, because it's not going to hold up very well in the comparison. Subtly rising tension, clever plot twists, and ingenious foils are replaced with mostly a bunch of screaming, cursing, and crying. It reminded me of the one mortifying time I did improv in a high school drama class: given a quick series of scenarios, my friend and I were too nervous to come up with anything new and embarrassingly "acted" terrified in each new scene ("Aack! We're in a hot air balloon! Oh no! We're trapped on a ledge! Help us! We're stuck in a supermarket!"). The characters in this film's similarly static reactions to each new predicament dull your interest and your emotional investment as time goes on. It's probably realistic to imagine that people in this situation would mostly cry, threaten each other without follow-through, and scream f-bombs as often as possible, but that doesn't mean it's interesting to watch. 

"This is so upsetting!"
"I know! There aren't even any interesting screen shots from this movie!"

Nic Cage plays Harrison Ford's character from Firewall, except he looks like chubby, old Tom Hanks with Mr. Feeny glasses and has none of Ford's quiet resolve. Instead (have I mentioned?) he yells a lot. And cries. It's such a shame to have Cage in a role with nothing quotable to say and very little ass-kicking. I kept hoping for a dramatic shift in this film, but it just never came. My conclusion: in this type of movie, either the criminals or the victims have to be clever, preferably both. If both of them are making inexplicably stupid choices and no one is saying anything interesting... there's not much point in watching.

"Oh, my god... when will this movie be over?"
"I know, honey, I know... soon. Soon."

Movie quotability: 0/5

• "Shit fucking animals!"

Plot Holes:

• SPOILER: Nic Cage gets shot in the inner thigh but barely groans, much less bleeds to death  from his femoral artery. Later he walks with a teeny limp. 

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Poor	Improvement Required
Shauna
James	2.3/5	2.5/5
Martine	!Stayed in the Cage!

#1 The Rock

#1 The Rock

Year: 1996

Director: Michael Bay
MPAA Rating: R 

Epic Co-stars: Sean Connery

Running Time: 136 mins 
Cage Time: ~55% 
Cage Kills: 3 
Cage Flip-outs: 7

Shauna's Review: In my mind, the only question is, “The Rock- great Nicolas Cage movie... or greatest Nicolas Cage movie?” The Rock is an ideal showcase for Nic Cage’s trademark intensity, witty/cheesy bon mots, and querulous eyebrows, making it (in my opinion) one of his best films.

In true Michael Bay style, The Rock’s simplistic script is merely a vehicle for dramatic camera angles, explosive car chases, and uber-dramatic moments (sprinkled liberally throughout). Nicolas Cage fits handily into this scenario with his constantly-furrowed brow, his near-whisper dialogue and his comically serious temper tantrums. Cage is perfectly partnered with Sean Connery, whose calm Scottish sarcasm provides an excellent counterpoint to Cage’s mega-acting. (Excellent actor Ed Harris is also in this movie, which makes you wonder... why is Ed Harris in this movie?)

If you’re a fan of comically ridiculous dialogue, hilariously thin plot lines, and seriously over-acted scenarios, you can’t go wrong with The Rock (see also: Face/Off). Movies where Nic Cage cracks a smile are highly overrated.

Nicolas Cage persona: Righteously indignant hero.

All he wants to do is find the Truth/ save the world, and the clock is ticking... so GET OUT OF HIS FREAKIN WAY, PEOPLE.

Range of facial expressions:

Minimal (ever-intense)

This is some serious shit. This is no place for smiles.

Movie quotability: 4/5

Favorite quote: “What do you say we cut the CHIT-CHAT, A-HOLE?!”

• "How, in the name of ZEUS' BUTTHOLE, did you get out of your cell?!"
• "I love pressure. I eat it for breakfast. "
• "You know, I like history too, and maybe when this is all over you and I can stop by the souvenir shop together but right now I just... I just wanna find some rockets! "
• "It's you. You're the Rocket Man."
• "Well, gosh... kind of a lot's happened since then."
• "FBI! Freeze, sucker!"

Plot Holes:

• The "good guy" government officials risked the lives of millions in order to not spend $100M (minuscule by federal budget standards) on compensation for deserving families of fallen war heroes. Total Jerks.
• When Dr. Stanley Goodspeed unscrews the rocket in the lighthouse, he turns the screwdriver the wrong way as made obvious by the constant ratcheting sound. What an idiot.
• SPOILER: Although General Hummel redirects the rocket away from the football stadium to detonate "safely" in the San Francisco bay, wouldn't there still be some negative effects from this detonation, either in the water or spreading through the air from the point of impact, since the VX gas crystals are supposedly very fragile? While we're at it, why are the lights on at the stadium if it's noon?

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Acceptable	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.5/5	2/5
Martine	!Tolerated the cage!