#49 Christmas Carol: The Movie

#49 Christmas Carol: The Movie

Year: 2001

Director: Jimmy T. Murakami
MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Kate Winslet

Running Time: 77 mins
Cage Time: 4%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 0

Skyler's Review: 

Someone spent $10 million on this animated movie. It must be some sort of money laundering thing because it is terrible. The movie starts off and you think to yourself, "This is one of those animated movies from the 80s". The animation is surely pre-Beauty and the Beast. I mean, look at it. The frame rate is low, the animation is drawn, not rendered.

This is one frame of Nicolas Cage as a ghost. You've almost seen the whole scene now.

Then you look to see the year that this movie came out and see "2001". What! Then you start to think, "Was animation still that bad in 2001?" No. Other movies that came out that year: Shrek, Monsters Inc., Harry Potter 1, and Lord of the Rings 1.

Why was this movie made? It's not as good as Muppet Christmas Carol, to be sure. Did this movie come before the Muppets? No, the Muppets actually preceded this disaster by 9 years.

The movie isn't even a "as true to the story as possible" thing. There are mice EVERYWHERE. Are they all going to die of the plague? I don't remember this in the book. In fact, the story is barely recognizable at all. Except for that guy named "Scrooge" and the title of the movie.

Nicolas Cage is excellent as always.

Movie quotability:

• "Ooooohhhhh [loud chain sounds]."

Plot Holes:

• The fact that this movie was even made.  Do we really need yet another animated rendition of this movie?  Never mind one that is presented in such a lame, cliched style?

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Dreadful	Troll
Shauna
James	0.15/5	0.04/5
Martine	!Bonded with Shauna in the Cage!

#48 Leaving Las Vegas

#48 Leaving Las Vegas

Year: 1995

Director: Mike Figgis

MPAA Rating:

Epic Co-stars: Elisabeth Shue, Julian Sands, Richard Lewis, French Stewart, Roseanne's Sister, Detective Benson

Running Time: 111 mins
Cage Time: 85%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 1

James/Skyler's Review: 

Ben Sanderson (Nicolas Cage) sums up his situation pretty well when he says (to a prostitute who is robbing him) "Did my wife leave me because I started drinking or did I start drinking because my wife left me".  He's a severe alcoholic who has just lost his wife, his job, and any control over his life. So he decides to do what any sensible person in this situation would do; move back to Las Vegas and drink himself to death. 

"Kid in a candy store" dance. He got an Oscar for this.

Shortly after getting to town he meets Sera (Elisabeth Shue), a self proclaimed excellent prostitute who's recently found herself pimp-less with nothing to do.  Things progress.  They move in together.  Ben drinks.  Sera follows.  Things will merrily go on like this forever as long as one thing never happens; That Sera never asks Ben to quit drinking.  I wonder what'll happen...

If you are going to let your life go down the tubes, you might as well have pretty lady by your side.

This movie is made up of incredibly heavy subject matter and at times is hard to watch for even the most tasteless and crass viewers.  The hero and heroine manage to find some of the darkest corners of human existence and often bring you there with them.

This is some deep stuff. Alcoholism is usually depicted in a glamorous or funny way in Hollywood. The reality of it, is that it is hard to watch, and Dr. Cage makes it so. You can see why he got an Oscar for his work here. By the way, Nicolas Cage beat out Sean Penn that year for Best Actor. Take that, Sean Penn. You suck.

Ben behaves as if he wants to get busted to same him from his fate.

Overall, this is definitely one worth watching. Cage's performance is brilliant. He makes an alcoholic seem charming, and at the identical moment, pathetic. His co-actress makes prostitution seem like a legitimate career, if it weren't for some of the clientele, which makes it a hard, sad life. As this film is pure art, and serious art at that, I will finish this review with a poem:

Leaving Las Vegas

by A Year in the Cage

The oldest vice meets the oldest profession,

Racing toward death, the oldest depression.

Are these choices for life viable?

In society are these roles justifiable?

They are for a spell, but they end all in hell.

Movie quotability:

• "Maybe I shouldn't breathe so much Terri. HIHI! "
• "Did my wife leave me because I started drinking or did I start drinking because my wife left me"
• "Somebody fix the phones around here."
• "I'm wondering if you'll take two-hundred dollars to uuummm...  Fuck Me."
• "Yeah, she definitely has daddy issues"  - Skyler
• "Oh yes, I guess sooner or later we better fuck."
• "Giving you money makes me want to come."
• "Is drinking a way of killing yourself?"  "Or is killing myself a way of drinking?"
• "I'm like a prickly pear.  A prickly pear."

Plot Holes:

• A hooker who gets cut on the butt for punishment has no scars on her butt.
• Self proclaimed amazing hooker falls in love with a drunk guy after spending about 10 minutes talking to him.
• Hooker has a nice conservative dress to wear in the event that her pimp is murdered.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	4.39/5	4.12/5
Martine	!Ironed in the CAGE!

#47 The Family Man

#47 The Family Man

Year: 2000

Director: Brett Ratner
MPAA Rating: PG-13

Epic Co-stars: Tea Leoni, Don Cheadle, Robert Downey Sr.

Running Time: 125 mins
Cage Time: 95%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 5

James' Review: You may be thinking to yourself "Sure, Mr. Cage can nail high flying action, insane criminals, art-house trash, and even a grind house style hero.  But can he really play a down to earth guy who you root for because you really like him?"  Well wonder no more...  The answer is a firm YES.  And in true Cage fashion he while also wearing a $1,000 suit and driving a Ferrari.  

If Dr. Cage ever decides he's tired of being the wold's #1 actor he can easily switch over to being the world's #1 topless opera singer.

Jack (Nic Cage) is a successful, narcissistic Wall Street broker. He lives in a penthouse apartment in Manhattan, enjoys casual sex with model-esque strangers, and drives an amazing Ferrari (you'll recall his stipulation about driving awesome cars in all of his movies). After working late on Christmas Eve, he intervenes in a convenience store stick-up and finds himself telling Don Cheadle that, although "everybody needs something," he has everything he needs. Turns out Don Cheadle is an angel or something, and he takes this as a challenge to show Jack  a glimpse of what he's missing-- namely, an alternate life where he marries his college girlfriend, Kate, and raises kids with her in New Jersey.  Finally an answer to the question of what to get the guy who seemingly has everything.

Yet another unsuspecting and helpless victim.

The Family Man is an instant Christmas classic.  It draws themes from both A Christmas Carol and It's a Wonderful Life (Cage is even a bit Jimmy Stewart-esque at times).  All of the classic Christmas fodder is there: Christmas parties, cute kids, a guy who doesn't know what he's missing, a guy who finally figures out what he's missing, and asshole being told off, and more feel good family love than you would care to have crammed into two glorious Cage enriched hours.  Really all that is missing is a talking snowman and an elf who desperately wants to become a dentist.

It's a treat for any small child to get the chance to encounter pure excellence at such an early stage in life.

In all, The Family Man sets the stage for Dr. Cage to once again establish himself as a well rounded actor that can make a strong human connection.  It's easy to peg Cage as an over the top action hero who does nothing but kick ass and take names.  But when he needs to (and the script calls for it), The Family Man shows that he can easily put on the charm and pull on your heart strings.  He reminds us here that although money and prestige are very alluring, they are really just a temporary plug for the void left by the absence of true love from family and friends.  This serves as a nice parallel to his acting career; so many high flying roles dazzle us in the moment but ultimately leave us wanting more from the characters he plays.  But once in a while when you really need it Cage fills your soul with his all powerful and unbounded love to once again show you what really matters in life.

This sums up the true divine spirit and nature of Dr. Cage better than any number of words ever could.

Movie quotability:

• "You're a credit to capitalism, Jack."
• "Old flames are like old tax returns. Put 'em in the filing cabinet for three years, then cut 'em loose."
• "Not cute. Not cute!"
• "You mean because you thought I was cocky, I am now on a PERMANENT! ACID TRIP!?" 
• "I'm sorry I was such a saint before, and I'm such a PRICK! NOW!"
• "Forget it. We'll get a funnel cake. It'll be the highlight of my week."
• "This is New York, this is like the needy people capital of the world. Your Jersey clients aren't a tenth as needy as the clients you'll have here."

Plot Holes:

• This is a stupid plot hole, but everyone wants me to point out that someone who was going to have triple bypass surgery the following day would already be in the hospital, not at a party.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Outstanding
Shauna
James	3.37/5	3.37/5
Martine	!Teared up in the Cage!