#37 Racing with the Moon

#37 Racing with the Moon

Year: 1984

Director: Richard Benjamin
MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Sean Penn, Elizabeth McGovern

Running Time: 108 min
Cage Time: 20%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Skyler's Review: 

In short, this film is about some kids (Cage and Penn) whose numbers have come up for the draft of WW2 (for those of you that don't remember a time before Twitter, that is World War Two, the one against the Nazis). Since they know they are off to war after the summer, they spend their time in a sort of limbo. They make impulsive decisions and dangerous ones.

If you cut out all of the scenes with Sean Penn, the movie would have been much shorter; almost watchable.

Cage's character keeps on telling Penn's character to find some girls to just have some fun with since they are about to bug out. Penn's character then falls in love; oops. Generally, Nic Cage is awesome, as always; Sean Penn is the worst since as I was watching all I could think about is all the terrible things Penn said about the Master of the Screen. (If you don't know what I am referring to, see our previous review for #36 Fast Times).

These two are racing a train. They never race the moon. Awful.

This is now two films in a row that have more Sean Penn than Nic Cage on the screen. Two films in a row that has characters getting abortions. Two films in a row that made me wish I was watching something else. Except for when Dr. Cage was delivering his part, of course.

Movie quotability:

• "This movie makes no goddamn sense."-James
• "Is this a slasher?"-Skyler
• "I like how all graveyards have smoke blowing through them, regardless of the time of day."-James
• "I bet she looks like a rose and smells as sweet." -Sean Penn's dad, creepily
• "Oh, Mrs. Spangler- religion's a little shaky."-Caddie
• "I ain't gonna be no sap to some skirt."- NC
• "Come back nurse. I wanna show you my "wound"" -Cage

Plot Holes:

• Sean Penn is terrible.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Acceptable	Dreadful
Shauna
James	2.25/5	2.25/5
Martine	!Wasted two hours in the CAGE!

#36 Fast Times at Ridgemont High

#36 Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Year: 1982

Director: Amy Heckerling

MPAA Rating:

Epic Co-stars: Sean Penn, Judge Reinhold

Running Time: 90 mins
Cage Time: 60 seconds
Cage Kills: 0 
Cage Flip-outs: 0

James' Review:
Ah, nostalgia for the days when smoking in movie theaters was permitted, "upstairs to the left." The IMDB summary of Fast Times pretty much says it all: "A story of a group of California teenagers who enjoy the mall, sex and rock n' roll."  Really it's just a perfect storm for lots of boobs, 80's butts and teenagers in precarious situations.  The only thing missing was a lot more action from a hot young Nicolas Cage.  

I could go into the specific plot happenings of this movie, but since none of it involves Nicolas Cage it would be worthless for me to waste my precious time typing it, and for you to read it.  The critical error for this film was actually committed before shooting ever even started.  Nicolas Cage was originally considered for the role of Brad Hamilton (one of the "lead roles" in the film), but after his audition the studio thought his performance was too dark, and the role went instead to Judge Reinhold.  In addition, Cage was 17 at the time and could not work as many hours as the actors over 18.  It seems as though in 1982 the world (or at least Amy Heckerling) wasn't ready for the art of Nouveau Shamanic acting.  This is unfortunate because the part of Brad Hamilton turned out to be the most dull character in the film (and I would have loved to see Nic Cage get caught masturbating by a hot girl in a bikini.)  

Even without words Cage can convey the angst and misery of a typical high school guy working a crappy fast food job.  Congratulations, you've now see about 50% of the Cage footage in this film.

Alas, it seems that this film was Cage's proverbial burger flipping job in the acting world (and literally on the screen).  It was needed for him to put in his time as little more than a glorified extra while watching assholes like Sean Penn rake in tons of money and fame for little more than doing a mediocre Keanu Reeves impression (yes, I know this was before Keanu had reached his full terrible potential.)  "Wait, leave Sean Penn out of this!" you might say.  "What did Sean Penn do to Nicolas Cage or anybody else?"  I'll tell you what he did...  He had a couple of mildly entertaining movies in the first two decades of his career and then finally went "full retard" in 2001's I am Sam.  This lead him to believe that his shit don't stink and he could go around saying things like "Nic Cage is no longer an actor" and "He could be again, but now he's more like a... performer."  Fuck you Sean Penn.  And while we're at it, Nic Nolte and Stephen Baldwin can piss off too (see the link above for why).  

The three least classy actors of all time.

As actors these people should understand that art can't be defined by rules given to you in a class somewhere.  You need to put every bit of your heart and soul into every character you play while choosing a wide variety of roles to constantly test and expand your acting range.  These are things that Nic Cage does every day while other "actors" phone it in and collect a paycheck.

Movie quotability:

• "No shirt, no shoes, no dice. Learn it, love it, live it."
• "Everybody's listening to Tom Petty; that's fucking cool."-James
• "Nice. Butts." -James
• "This is US History, I see the globe right there."
• "Look at you- Honor Roll, Assistant to the Assistant Manager of the movie theater..."
• "You are a wuss. Part wimp, and part pussy."
• "When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?" "A quart or so."
• "Mister, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna kick 100% of your ass!"
• "I'm sorry someone broke in and stole your tape deck." 
• "Make up your mind, dude. Is he going to shit, or is he going to kill us?"

Plot Holes:

• There is a live MONKEY in their biology class. What kind of public school is this?
• Bunch of 12-year-olds dropping (what I assume is) lots of money (for the 80s) on rock concert tickets.
• Fieldtrip to the morgue to look at a corpse's insides.
• Burgers caught on fire (Skyler says this is a plot hole).  Meat on a griddle doesn't suddenly catch file.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Troll	Poor
Shauna
James	0.11/5	3.44/5
Martine	!Stayed in the CAGE!

#35 Matchstick Men

#35 Matchstick Men

Year: 2003

Director: Ridley Scott
MPAA Rating: PG-13

Epic Co-stars: Sam Rockwell, Alison Lohman

Running Time: 116 mins
Cage Time: 99%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 5

James' Review:  If you think of "Nicolas Cage" and "con job", your brain will no doubt conjure up thoughts of silly action circa Gone in 60 Seconds or god forbid one of the most horrifically written pieces of trash ever: Deadfall.  Although Cage executes flawlessly on both of these films, the writing and cinematography in them leave plenty to be desired.  Luckily once you've seen Matchstick Men, these horrific thoughts can be wiped clean and replaced with a piece of art that will dazzle you with a flawless execution from Cage coupled with a thoughtful story line and a solid supporting cast.

Smoking is a disgusting and filthy habit, unless you're Nic Cage.

In Matchstick Men Cage plays Roy Waller, a smooth talking aging con artist who tricks random morons to buying into his lottery by purchasing overpriced water filtration systems.   In his personal life Waller is a single man living alone in a spotless 50's style ranch home.   His home is spotless due to his many ailments that include obsessive compulsive disorder, agoraphobia, mysophobia, and Cage's own rendition of Tourette's syndrome.  After a series of events reunite him with his estranged 14 year old daughter, Waller regains his passion for both conning and being a dad, at the same time.  This leads to the start of an end-all super con that will allow them to live happily ever after, both in financially freedom and in their new found family love.

A headless dog filled with guns and cash is the only companionship a single guy really needs.

Cage sinks into the troubled and struggling Roy Waller with more conviction and creditably than both Jack Nicholson in "As Good as it Gets" and Leonardo DiCaprio in "The Aviator".  While doing this he pulls the viewer into his world while also delivering some very solid flip-outs (one of which has reached EPIC Cage status).  At the same time he creates a relationship with his daughter that feels both genuine and heartfelt even with all the otherwise sleazy activity he surrounds himself with.

When Cage cuts in line in front of you at the pharmacy you should probably just bight your tongue.  Unless you want to be "dragged to the sidewalk and beaten until you...  PISSED! BLOOD!" 

Matchstick Men covers a lot of ground with the twists and turns of a great con movie, the trails and tribulations of operating on a daily basis with mental illness, and building "family" relationships when the rest of your life is as far from it as you could be.  It all comes together perfectly due to the aforementioned flawless execution by Sir Cage.  His dedication to his character along with his Nouveau Shamanic "acting without boundaries" style push Matchstick Men out of the normal and mundane and into the more stratospheric levels of theatrical art.  Just do yourself a favor while watching it, when you see the words "One year later" appear on the screen, stop the movie and dream up your own ending.  Or better yet, just dream about Nicolas Cage riding a unicorn.  Either way, it'll be better than the last five minutes of this film.

Movie quotability: 4.5/5

• (Opening credits) Skyler: "I already like this movie. I like that Nic Cage's voice comes before anything else in this movie."
• "Oh, pygmies."
• "You lookin' for something, sucker?"
• "Look, Doc, I spent last Tuesday watching fibers on my carpet. And the whole time I was watching my carpet, I was worrying that I, I might vomit. And the whole time, I was thinking, 'I'm a grown man. I should know what goes on my head.' And the more I thought about it... the more I realized that I should just blow my brains out and end it all. But then I thought, well, if I thought more about blowing my brains out... I start worrying about what that was going to do to my goddamn carpet. Okay, so, ah-he, that was a GOOD day, Doc. And, and I just want you to give me some pills and let me get on with my life."
• "You don't have a TV?" "There's a couch, you could sit... or over there... or on the couch."
• "Is there a way that you can help me help you help me so that I can get into his office??"
• "Hey have you ever been dragged to the sidewalk and beaten till you PISSED!... BLOOD!!?!"
• "Uhhhhhh.... uhhhhhh."
• "Bull-SHIT, MON!" 
• "I see things differently now."

Plot Holes:

• Some of the ice cream is gone when she opens it for breakfast in the morning, even though she was asleep when he got home with it late the night before. 

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	4.63/5	4.18/5
Martine	!Stayed in the CAGE!

#34 World Trade Center

#34 World Trade Center

Year: 2006

Director: Oliver Stone
MPAA Rating: PG-13

Epic Co-stars: Michael Pena (no, that's not Yatzee), Maria Bello

Running Time: 129 minutes
Cage Time: 80%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 2

Skyler's Review: I must admit that it was difficult to get to writing this review, as I have been buried in work, but here goes...

Viewing this film on the 11th anniversary of the tragedy of 9/11/12 made us feel the gravity of the situation on that day. The film begins with Nicolas Cage setting the foundation of the story as a cop for the NYPD, whose face is covered with mustache. After a short scene about confusion when the towers were hit, the movie gives way to the second phase of the film: Nicolas Cage buried under piles of rubble.

Nicolas cage has a dirty mustache.

Seeing Cage completely immobile and covered, completely demolishes any preconceived ideas of what that day was like for first responders. Your heart crumples as you think about all of the people that were affected. As if the screen is portraying one buried man, to show how gruesome it was for the 1000s that were trapped.

Then suddenly, any realism collapses and the plot breaks down into a fantasy story. Some marine feels the weight of the situation and decides to drive to ground zero and walk into the rubble. He then proceeds to fall directly onto the location of mustachio'd Nic Cage. It is also likely that there were hundreds of other marines that tumbled into NYC, walked into the rubble, covered some ground, and found absolutely nobody. Mentioning these marines would have broken the suspended reality, I guess, so they are ignored.

Most of the film is in this dark underground set.

The film then breaks way to the final section of the film. The part seems to drag on, and on, and on, as your attention span crumbles into pieces. You want to collapse in your chair and fall asleep, due to the length of the film. Then you feel this crushing guilt for not being able to stay up and watch this tribute to the day the towers were not able to stay up. Why was the movie so long; why were the towers so long? In a way, that is what they director wanted: to simulate completely the feeling of being trapped and fighting to stay conscious. The only thing keeping this smash hit from completely paralleling the Twin Towers is that there isn't two of them; there is no sequel.


Movie Quotes:

• "How'd it get burned? How'd it get burned? How'd it get burned? How'd it get burned?"

Plot Holes:

• 9mm guns shoot themselves sometimes.
• James thinks yelling at people when you're worried your spouse is dead is a plot hole. Martine thinks he's a dumbass.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Poor	Dreadful
Shauna
James	1.83/5	2.46/5
Martine	!Was Reminded (but had never forgotten) in the CAGE!