#59 Grindhouse

#59 Grindhouse

Year: 2007

Director: Robert Rodriguez, Eli Roth, Quentin Tarantino, Edgar Wright, Rob Zombie

MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: 

Running Time: 191 minutes
Cage Time: 0.14%
Cage Kills/Deaths: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Skyler's Review: 
What can I even say about this movie? It is a 191 minute tome that is almost Cage free. Grindhouse is a double feature with some fake movie trailers in between. This is supposed to be artistic and that other artsy fartsy biz. The playbill looks like this:

• Full movies
1. Planet Terror (No Nicolas Cage)
2. Deathproof (No Nicolas Cage)
• Fake movie trailers
1. Machete (No Nicolas Cage)
2. Werewolf Women of the SS  (Nicolas Cage for 16 seconds)
3. Don't (No Nicolas Cage)
4. Thanksgiving (No Nicolas Cage)
5. Hobo with a Shotgun (No Nicolas Cage)

So essentially there is 190 minutes of crap with 16 seconds of gold in the middle. Don't get me wrong, the chick from Planet Terror is pretty hot, I just would have rather have seen Cage play Kurt Russell's character in Deathproof. It would have increased my overall viewing experience. 

So watch this clip and save yourself 3 hours of movie. Unless you are completing the A Year In the CAGE challenge, of course.

Movie quotability:

• "THIS IS MY (something)! AHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!"

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Outstanding	Dreadful
Shauna
James	4.66/5	3.91/5
Martine	!Stayed in the CAGE!

#58 Birdy

#58 Birdy

Year: 1984

Director: Alan Parker

MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: Matthew Modine

Running Time: 120 mins
Cage Time: 85%
Cage Kills: 0 
Cage Flip-outs: 5

James' Stream of Conscience:
Al Columbato (NIc Cage) just got out of a military hospital and has bandages all over his face.  While on the train he drifts off while muttering something about "Birdy" and what he put him through when they were kids.  Cage was a popular kid who befriends "Birdy", a outcast who captures and trains pigeons.  Together they build a pigeon coup and use special home-made bird costumes to capture birds from a mill at night. Birdy takes a huge fall and doesn't seem to care.  He's just happy that he got to fly.

In present day, Cage arrives in a military mental hospital.  Birdy is locked up in a cell and doesn't communicate with anyone.  He is crouched in the corner and appears to have severe mental damage.  Cage is there to help the doctors figure out what the hell is wrong with Birdy.  Queue dramatic Cage-Birdy 1 on 1 in a prison cell. 

Nic Cage is virtually the only person on earth that can make love to another man in a bird costume and still look totally awesome doing it.

1st attempt:  Cage tries to talk about old times and remember the good ones.  No dice, Birdy won't say a word to him and doesn't even really look at him.
2nd attempt:  Cage is frustrated, even slightly angry with Birdy.  Still nothing.
3rd attempt:  Cage gets real.  He talks life and philosophy but Birdy remains in the same twisted squatting pose that he's always been in.
4th attempt:  Cage feeds Birdy.  Birdy eats.  Birdy makes eye contact.
5th attempt:  Cage Jokes...  BIRDY SMILES!
6th attempt:  Sponge bath with the nurse.  Cage makes a good move by just observing
7th attempt:  Pure Cage rage all directed towards Birdy.  Birdy cries.  Cage leaves.  Cage cries.  
8th attempt:  Baseballs...

A face that only a mother could love.  ...and a father.   ...and every other person on the face of the earth.

Back in the day, more memories flow by.  They steal a car and drive to the beach.  Cage nails a chick while Birdy creeps out her friend and drives them away.  Cage looks pissed; blue balls for sure.  Birdy can't stop thinking about birds, not chicks, birds.  He stays up all night playing with birds, creates amazing Di Vinci style flying machines, gives school reports on feathers, and even homemade human sized wings that may just allow him to finally bridge the human-avian divide.  

Bottom line:  This movie isn't bad.  If you want to see something a bit out of the ordinary with plenty of young Charming Cage, Birdy is the film for you.  And even if you find that it isn't the film for you stick around for the ending.  The final 2 minutes are probably the best 2 minutes in the entire film.  

Movie quotability:

• (whispers) "Sure you feel like it."
• "I want to go back and change, I look stupid."  "Not to a bird Al."
• "You're wrong! They're dead: plucked and fucked!"
• "Whoa, his foot looks like a weird giant dong." - James
• "Mammary glands?  MAMMARY GLANDS?!?  No, we're talking tits here! Big tits...  Round tits...  Fleshy tits...  Full tits..."
• "This fucking fucker's fucked" (Cage's Dad when trying to start the car, but used again by Cage 9 years later in Deadfall)
• "This guy's really into birds." - Skyler

Plot Holes:

• Anytime anything exciting happens La Bamba plays.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.81/5	3.22/5
Martine	!Huffed her blankey while being fixated on the Cage!

#57 The Boy in Blue

#57 The Boy in Blue

Year: 1986

Director: Charles Jarrot
MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: A guy that looks like Robert Downey Jr, Christopher Plummer

Running Time: 100 minutes
Cage Time: 100%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 4

Shauna's Review: 

Boy in Blue is a period film about sculling (rowing), which the intro text tells us was basically the only sport in the era that this film is set. We open to Nic Cage kicking some ass in a race, where everyone's wearing dirty (period) clothing and rowing to 80's music, inexplicably. Cage tries to smuggle some moonshine   into America (presumably his night job) and is chased down by some policemen/ religious nuttos. He ends up on a boat to Philadelphia with a man who wants to manage him in some American races. Sporting movie type cliches go here.

Cage, so hot right now, Cage.

Martine is creaming her pants about this movie about 2 minutes in. His teeth aren't great, but he is young and super-ripped and HAWT. Yum. My favorite moment so far is when James says, "This is pretty much what Canada was like then," about a scene where the characters are at a circus in Philadelphia, all waving American flags, in case you missed the part where they said they were going to Philly. Anyway, the subject material isn't all that riveting-- it's based on the true story of Ned Hanlan, a Canadian who was one of the first rowers to use a sliding seat. Yes, a sliding seat pulls a lot of focus in this movie.

I'm young and pretty, give me some money.

TRIVIA: The steamboat shown in this movie is the oldest operating steam powered vessel in North America today. Woot. If you take a quick gander at Ned Hanlan's wikipedia page, you will see that this movie is very loosely based on his life. Best not to dwell on such things and just stare into those dreamy blue eyes, or gaze at those sweaty laterals.

This gun tastes terrible! Where have you been keeping it, in your ass?

In sum, I think it's worth seeing Cage in this movie, if only to see his rippling seating muscles, tight ass, and humongous sweatpants bulge. There are also some sexy lady bits, if that's more what you're into. But Cage is the real gem here-- young, handsome, and already earnest about investing himself fully into each character.

Movie quotability:

• "Should we let them finish, sir?"
• "The Boy in Blue." "That makes me sound like some kind of fancy boy!"
• "You take the two on the right." "YOU take the two on the right."
• "Big words don't butter the beans."
• "Well, they say I look bigger with my clothes off."
• "SHE'S FINE, BUGGER OFF."

Plot Holes:

• Characters in America drinking booze.
• Souvenir pillowcases are a thing. 
• James says the clock in the background of the movie at 1:20 does not make sense.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.08/5	2.91/5
Martine	Hot and bothered in the Cage.