Showing posts with label 1983. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 1983. Show all posts

#61 Valley Girl


#61 Valley Girl
Year: 1983
Director:  Martha Coolidge
MPAA Rating: R
Epic Co-stars: Elizabeth Daily, aka Dotty from Pee Wee's Big Adventure
Running Time: 99 mins
Cage Time: 50%
Cage Kills: 
Cage Flip-outs: 1
Skyler's Review: Valley Girl is a modern spin on the Romeo and Juliet story. Elizabeth Daily plays Julia, and our hero Nicolas Cage is Randy. Randy and Julia.

Julia is a popular girl from The Valley has an on-again-off-again boyfriend whom is the the most popular dude in this school. He is terrible, and treats her terribly, but he is the coolest so she chooses to stay with him for the status of it. One day, Julia and her friends are chilling at the beach Julia catches a glimpse of the rockin' bod of Randy. He doesn't seem to notice/care that she is there, while clandestinely observing her and strategizing with his buddy Fred (who represents Mercutio). Randy puts on a show by flexing and looking awesome but making it look like he thinks no one is watching (like this is normal behavior). Fred finds out about a party in The Valley, and Fred and Randy decide to go to meet some chicks. It just so happens that Julia is at this very party.


Randy (Romeo) with his friend (Mercutio) at a party trying to get chicks from The Valley.

Randy falls in love with Julia immediately, but is thrown out of the party by Julia's boyfriend whom feels threatened. Randy sneaks back into the party by hiding in the bathroom until Julia needs to use the facility. Randy then jumps out of the shower and asks her to ditch the party and go with him to have some "real fun." Randy takes her to a music bar and shows his true punk side. Julia falls in love with Randy and has to decide whether to do the socially prudent thing (date the cool guy she hates) or follow her heart (date Randy). I won't spoil the end for you, but I can bet you can guess the end.


Nicolas Cage as Randy looks as dashing as always. Elizabeth Daly looks OK. Maybe the style of beauty has changed. Look at that hair! (Cage, not Daly)

When the movie begins, the Romeo & Juliet thing is pretty subtle, so we felt pretty clever once we figured it out. But as the movie goes on, they start to beat you over the head about it, including a large ROMEO & JULIET on a playbill for a show in town.

The highlight of this movie is that Nic Cage shaved his chest hair into the shape of a bird, no joke. When he has his shirt off at the beach you can see that he shaved his chest hair down from his neck, but what is left looks like a majestic phoenix. Good stuff.


Oh, and by the way, Dotty from PeeWee Herman's Great Adventure is in this film.

Toward the end, during the obligatory prom scene, Josie Cotton and her band are on stage and sing the entire "Johnny are you Queer?" song. That was a nice touch.

Movie quotability:
  • "What is this movie rated? What are the chances of me seeing these teenage girls naked?" -James
  • "Why don't you just punish me like Stacy's parents do?" "Bad karma."
  • I just came over here to say I love you. (She breaks up w/him). I know what this is! Your fucking friends! Fuck you! Fuck off. For sure. Like totally.
Plot Holes:
  • No rearview mirror in the student driver car.

CAGEamatic
Cinematic
Skyler
Outstanding
Acceptable
Shauna
James
4.08/5.00
3.46/5.00
Martine
!On the computer in the CAGE!

#25 Rumble Fish


#25 Rumble Fish
Year: 1983
Director: Francis Ford Coppola
MPAA Rating:
Epic Co-stars: Laurence Fishburne, Matt Dillon, Mickey Rourke
Running Time: 94 min
Cage Time: 5%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 0
Martine's Review: 
Wow, I didn't know what to think when watching this one.  It's like the filmmakers were trying to blow my top with all of the artsy-farts black and white film and strange camera angles.  But after you sort through all of said artsy-fartsiness all your left with is a stagnant story line, a few poorly executed metaphors, and some boobs.   


In a nut shell, here's how things go down:  The 1983 version of James Franco (Matt Dillon) kisses the 1983 version of Julia Stiles (Diane Lane).  Things seem to be going okay between the two, but you can kind of tell that Julia Stiles is losing interest because James Franco is sort of a loser.  James Franco (Rusty James) is the leader of a crappy gang with Nic Cage who is sortof a nice boy caught up in the wrong crowd and the 1983 version of Jonah Hill (???  Maybe Jonah Hill's grandpa or something) smoking cigarettes.  Together with the help of a rival gain they reenact the 1983 video "Beat  It", but without the music.  Then Mickey Rourke (The Motorcycle Boy) rolls in looking like a child and steals the show.  It turns out that poor Rusty James has been living in his brothers shadow for years and is generally a miserable bastard with no meaningful relationships.


Nobody messes with the Wild Deuces!  Except for me.  After checking out that pant/belt combo I'll mess with this little troublemaker anytime!
Cut to Rusty James' family life!  Rusty James' mom left when he was yougn and his dad (Dennis Hopper) is a total worthless drunk.  The Motorcycle Boy (Rusty's brother) has just returned to town from a hiatus in California, but isn't quite living up to the legend he left behind; you guessed it, total drunk.  Oh and one other problem of Rusty's that I forgot to mention before, turns out he's a total drunk...  From here the film gets stuck some sort of purgatory where all of these people act miserable, realize they are miserable f-ups, and then are miserable due to their miserable realizations.  Some deep stuff is thrown in there about being your own worst enemy in life and some colors are flashed on the screen at key times to keep your brain in motion, but none of it really carries enough weight to compensate for the fact that Nic Cage is in less than 10% of this movie.

Now lets put aside from all the extremely mediocre parts of this film and concentrate on what really matters: my delicious little Cage man.  In the precious few minutes he is in this film, Mr. Cage does a wonderful job at both acting, and looking like a hot little piece of MILF bait.  His hair is very tall and feathery and his little teenage attitude of not giving a crap about anything makes me want to give him a spanking in order to straighten him out a little bit.  I didn't really like that he was #2 in the gang and was taking orders for Rusty James, but in the end I think we'll all agree who the bigger man is.  Despite this movie being pretty lame in most regards, everyone (including Cage) does a pretty damn fine job in the acting department.  It's just the script their acting out that leaves much to be desired.  Overall I would say only the die-hard Cage fans need to see this film and not those of us who were just looking for a quick fix.

Cage is a tough little punk with an ego as big as his hair.  So bad it's good.



Movie quotability:
  • "Something something something Rusty James Rusty James."
  • "You've got a bad habit of getting attached to people, man." 
  • "What are you doing? That must hurt!"
  • "He looks really old, like... 25 or something."
  • "You fuck other girls and all you do is shit on me!"
  • "Hey what are you gonna do?  Work me over with your night stick?"
  • "Black and white TV with the sound turned low."
  • "That was me at my 5 year old birthday party.  I was good lookin' even back then."
  • "Nobody wants to be killed."
Plot Holes:
  • Random cabin has HUGE liquor cabinet.
  • Random smoke pours down streets for no reason.
  • Equal amounts of black people and white people attend the same carnival.
  • People in this movie actually believe being color blind means seeing black and white.
  • Cops shoot guy for killing Betas from pet shop, but don't care when second guy steal.
  • A hundred people show up in the middle of the night to see who 


CAGEamatic
Cinamatic
Skyler
Dreadful
Dreadful
Shauna
James
3.78/5
2.75/5
Martine
!Tapped out (early) of the cage!