#57 The Boy in Blue

#57 The Boy in Blue

Year: 1986

Director: Charles Jarrot
MPAA Rating: R

Epic Co-stars: A guy that looks like Robert Downey Jr, Christopher Plummer

Running Time: 100 minutes
Cage Time: 100%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 4

Shauna's Review: 

Boy in Blue is a period film about sculling (rowing), which the intro text tells us was basically the only sport in the era that this film is set. We open to Nic Cage kicking some ass in a race, where everyone's wearing dirty (period) clothing and rowing to 80's music, inexplicably. Cage tries to smuggle some moonshine   into America (presumably his night job) and is chased down by some policemen/ religious nuttos. He ends up on a boat to Philadelphia with a man who wants to manage him in some American races. Sporting movie type cliches go here.

Cage, so hot right now, Cage.

Martine is creaming her pants about this movie about 2 minutes in. His teeth aren't great, but he is young and super-ripped and HAWT. Yum. My favorite moment so far is when James says, "This is pretty much what Canada was like then," about a scene where the characters are at a circus in Philadelphia, all waving American flags, in case you missed the part where they said they were going to Philly. Anyway, the subject material isn't all that riveting-- it's based on the true story of Ned Hanlan, a Canadian who was one of the first rowers to use a sliding seat. Yes, a sliding seat pulls a lot of focus in this movie.

I'm young and pretty, give me some money.

TRIVIA: The steamboat shown in this movie is the oldest operating steam powered vessel in North America today. Woot. If you take a quick gander at Ned Hanlan's wikipedia page, you will see that this movie is very loosely based on his life. Best not to dwell on such things and just stare into those dreamy blue eyes, or gaze at those sweaty laterals.

This gun tastes terrible! Where have you been keeping it, in your ass?

In sum, I think it's worth seeing Cage in this movie, if only to see his rippling seating muscles, tight ass, and humongous sweatpants bulge. There are also some sexy lady bits, if that's more what you're into. But Cage is the real gem here-- young, handsome, and already earnest about investing himself fully into each character.

Movie quotability:

• "Should we let them finish, sir?"
• "The Boy in Blue." "That makes me sound like some kind of fancy boy!"
• "You take the two on the right." "YOU take the two on the right."
• "Big words don't butter the beans."
• "Well, they say I look bigger with my clothes off."
• "SHE'S FINE, BUGGER OFF."

Plot Holes:

• Characters in America drinking booze.
• Souvenir pillowcases are a thing. 
• James says the clock in the background of the movie at 1:20 does not make sense.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	3.08/5	2.91/5
Martine	Hot and bothered in the Cage.

#56 G-Force

#56 G-Force

Year: 2009

Director: Hoyt Yeatman
MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis, Sam Rockwell, Tracy Morgan, Penelope Cruz, Jon Favreau, Steve Buschemi

Running Time: 88 mins
Cage Time: 5%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 0

Shauna's Review: 

As you may have noticed on the Epic Co-Stars list, there are a lot of freaking famous people in this kid's movie. Most of them are rodents. Dr Cage is a star-nosed mole, featuring his voice from Peggy Sue, in case you were missing it. Zach Galifianakis is probably the most humorous (not saying much) as a human person who talks to guinea pigs. Will Arnett's innate awesomeness is unfortunately subdued to a dull roar, but Penelope Cruz is still pretty goddamn sexy as a guinea pig, go figure.

The mole is the mole! Oh, spoiler alert.

Zach Galifianakis runs a Homeland Security special unit comprised of 3 guinea pigs, a mole (Nic Cage) a fly, and some cockroaches. On the eve of a crucial performance review, they run an op and retrieve a secret file from the computer of an evil bad guy (Bill Nighy, of course). When the big boss (Will Arnett) shows up for the review, the stolen file turns out to be the plans for an espresso maker, and their unit is canned. The animals are taken to a pet shop and must escape to meet back up with Zach. Hilarious pet-related hijinks ensue. It turns out that the espresso maker (and all of the other appliances in the world) is some kind of transformer robot weapon, so the guinea pigs have to save the world from the evil bad guy.

Zach Galifiankis: "This is actually preferable to Hangover 2."

This was actually... not terrible. Not great, certainly, but not terrible. I mean, it's not like this has any real character development or plot interest, but I appreciate the Jerry Bruckheimer style (The Rock, Con Air) in a kid's movie, what can I say? Unfortunately, the soundtrack is 100% Black Eyed Peas, and Cage time is limited.

Movie quotability:

• "I'm a mole, I've got a thing for worms."
• "No escape! I repeat, no escape!"
• "No, not the cage! I don't do cages!"
• "C'mon Specks, act cute." "I don't have that kind of range."
• "I wanted you to think of yourselves as more than just balls of fur, waiting for your next pellet."
• "You ever google the word 'mole'?... Three million entries on how to exterminate them!"

Plot Holes:

• In a movie where guinea pigs are superspies... what plots holes could there be?

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Acceptable	Poor
Shauna
James	3.14159/5	2.19/5
Martine	Pacified the baby in the Cage.

#55 Never on Tuesday

#55 Never on Tuesday

Year: 1989

Director: Adam Rifkin

MPAA Rating:

Epic Co-stars: Gilbert Gottfried, Charlie Sheen, the coach from Mighty Ducks

Running Time: 89 minutes
Cage Time: < 1%
Cage Kills/Deaths: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 0

Group Review: When Nicolas Cage, the greatest actor in human history, is credited in a movie as "man in red car" you know you are in for a real shit show.  Is that what you get?  Read on and find out...

This has nothing to do with the movie.  It's just a picture of our cat Nicky who watches every  film with is.  He's a big Cage fan.

Two dudes go on a road trip from Ohio for L.A., Cali to see some T&A. They start with a painful conversation about their hair. Yeah, the guys. They immediately crash into a red VW bug with a "hot" chick in it. This really pissed us off because the only reason we are watching this movie is to Nicolas Cage play the bit part "man in red car." We saw the main characters hit a red car and were super excited, but alas, no Cage here; keep watching. More boring conversation, then... RED CAR! RED CAR! Lo and behold a fake-nosed Nicolas Cage steps out of a car and says "Is anybody hurt? Can I give somebody a lift? (laughs maniacally) " (much like how he delivered the line "You mean, my wang?" from Peggy Sue), laughs, and drives off.  That's it folks! 10 minutes in and there is no more Cage in store for us. But that 20 seconds with him on the screen was worth it. It was like a cross between Charlie Bodell and Acid Yellow. After this the movie goes about like this: They say "lesbo" a lot. Stuff happens (and by "stuff" I mean not really much of anything).  We see tits. Roll credits.

It's okay if his nose scares you.  He is only testing your love.  Submit to it.

In case you didn't figure it out the answer to the previously asked question it is yes, a total shit show.  Despite this fact, Cage's "Man in Red Car" was delivered with more style and creativity than any other man in any colored car and all of cinematic history.  Using his shamanic powers he takes what would have been a throw away part to any other hack-job of an actor and turns it into something unexpected, funny, jarring, strange, and above all memorable.  Just another small gift to all his children...      ...thank you father.

Movie quotability:

• "California or boobs" - bumper sticker
• "Is anybody hurt? CanI give comebody a lift?"

Plot Holes:

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Dreadful
Shauna
James	3.77/5	2.01/5
Martine	!Read in the CAGE!

#54 Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream of the Brokenhearted

#54 Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream of the Brokenhearted

Year: 1990

Director: David Lynch
MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Laura Dern

Running Time: 50 mins
Cage Time: 4%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 0

Skyler's Review: 

For this one, we didn't know what to expect. I mean, its a David Lynch musical with Nicolas Cage in it. No one could possibly know what to expect. Unfortunately, Nicolas Cage is only on screen for 2 minutes and is not present for any of the trippy "dream sequence." Essentially this 50 minute film starts with a phone conversation where Nicolas Cage breaks up with some chick. This takes 2 minutes. The rest of the movie is   supposed to be what is going on inside the subconscious of the girl. It is very dark in there, which makes sense, breaking up with Cage would be very dark.

This beautiful face graces the screen for only 2 minutes.

Once the musical starts, you realize that the bass line starts is identical to the music in Twin Peaks. This makes sense since it has the same composer and singer, Andre Badalamenti and Julee Cruise. The musical continues with ten songs.

Here is a succinct summary of action during the ten songs:

1. Naked chick, twisted. Some actor playing Nicolas cage floating through her mind.
2. Flying around chick gets eaten by a car.
3. Midget from Twin Peaks saws a log.
4. Chick is flying around in a spotlight.
5. Sounds of cats mating and a large dancing 10 foot tall demon.
6. A guy narrates and searchlights look for the naked chick.
7. Midget recites the conversation from the beginning while a guy plays clarinet.
8. Chick sings a song from Twin Peaks from the trunk of a car.
9. Naked dead babies float about.
10. Chick floats around in spotlights singing another Twin Peaks song.

Some weird "skinned deer" dances on the stage. It's weird.

You can find this on Youtube. It's weird, so I would suggest watching it when you can't fall asleep.

Movie quotability:

• "I just said juxtaposition, write that down." -James

Plot Holes:

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Poor	Troll
Shauna
James	1.44/5.00	1.71/5.00
Martine	!Dozed off in the Cage!

#53 Astro Boy

#53  Astro Boy

Year: 2009

Director: David Bowers

MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Donald Sutherland, Nathan Lane

Running Time: 94 minutes
Cage Time: 15%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 0

Skyler's Review: 
Nicolas Cage is cutting-edge scientist, Dr. Tenma, in the futuristic Metro City. This futuristic city is a Wall-E type oasis, complete with robot slaves, floating above a Wall-E type destroyed Earth surface. Tenma's son, Toby, is a real smart-alec know-it-all who sneaks into his dad's secret lab, full of new government weapons, and gets himself killed within the first 15 minutes. This, of course fills Tenma with regret, since we was always too busy for Toby: a real "cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon" situation.

Dr. Tenma only hangs out with his son in hologram form.

Tenma, stricken with grief, uses a newly discovered, powerfully "good" blue core of a star to power a Toby-lookalike robot. Although this robot Toby has meat Toby's memories (how?), it isn't as nerdy as meat Toby and Tenma kicks him/it out of the house. Meanwhile, the President wants to use the star cores to jumpstart a war that will win him the election, and he chases robot Toby off Metro City to the surface, where he becomes "Astro" and masquerades as a real boy. Astro robot meets a gang of Oliver Twist-esque kids on the surface. There is an epic battle, miraculous ending, etc.

This is not his son sleeping. It is a robot. His son is dead.

In the end this story is about good v. evil and equal treatment and respect for all self-aware and intelligent beings (robots or otherwise). This is all fine and all, but I can't get over the fact that they gloss right over the fact that Dr. Tenma's son, who seemed like a great kid, was laser blasted into dust without warning. It was almost a footnote, a preface. They did not delve into the fact that Dr. Tenma is facing a very real delusion leaving him very compromised. He builds Astro, but keep in mind that he hastily made a self-aware robot with the emotional intelligence of a grade-schooler, yet gave it laser cannons, machine guns,  rocket feet, and put a star's core (whatever that means) inside it. What if this robot threw a tantrum and shot up the town, lasered some grandmas, and detonated himself?

Real life Nicolas Cage is the best father.

In conclusion, this animated film was cute enough and fun enough, and Nicolas Cage delivered an excellent voice over performance. The writing left something to be desired. They missed a big opportunity to explain death and the 5 stages of grief to the 4 year olds in the audience. Instead the lesson is, don't worry about death, your dad will rebuild you as a robot with rocket boots.

Movie quotability:

• "It's called adaptive technology: it can absorb and control anything."
• "It's going to make him perfect, PERFECT!"
• "I like his boots" -Henry
• "I'm Mike the fridge. I'm the...fridge"
• "It's official. Henry loves Nicolas Cage movies." -James
• "Zog's awesome. I want a Zog!" -Skyler
• "What? I got machine guns... in my butt?" 
• "If you want the core, you're going to have to kill me."
• "He has to put it deep within the boy's Ass...tro." -James
• "IT'S NOT TIME FOR CHANGE" -President Stone's campaign banner
• "We're trying to live more naturally. You know, like real birds." -Robot spray and squeegee
• "A squeezee bottle's gotta do what a squeezee bottle's gotta do."
• "Love will be able to charge his battery!" -Skyler

Plot Holes:

• A "small fragment of a star" was collected. False. The whole planet is a "small fragment of a star." Stars are just atoms.
• Robot scientist uploads Toby's' memories into a robot Toby. How? From the one hair that he found?
• 4th dimensional calculus is just called "calculus"
• Astro Boy flies through the earth and solid rock but he doesn't melt from friction.

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Poor	Exceeds Expectations
Shauna
James	2.00/5	3.33/5
Martine	!Stayed in the Cage!

#52 Fire Birds

#52 Fire Birds

Year: 1990

Director: David Green
MPAA Rating: PG-13

Epic Co-stars: Tommy Lee Jones, 

Running Time: 85 mins
Cage Time: 100%
Cage Kills/Deaths: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 3

James' Review:  Let's just clear up a few things before we get started here.  Nic Cage is a much better actor than Tom Cruise, Tommy Lee Jones is a much better actor than James Tolkan, and tricked out helicopters (if presented properly) can be just as cool as fighter jets.  Despite all these facts, Fire Birds is a much worse movie than Top Gun.  Maybe  it's the fact that all my memories of Top Gun were formed before I was ten years of age, or that Nic Cage could only really be taken seriously in about 1/3 of the scenes in which he appeared in this movie, or possibly that Nic Cage (the anit-Tom Cruise) didn't ride a totally tricked out crotch rocket.  We may never know.  All we do know is that Fire Birds was released four years after Top Gun (giving every person on earth a chance to see it and love it) and that it desperately wanted to be Top Gun (made clear by an almost exact copy of the story line) and that it did not have any scenes with Val Kilmer (probably the only thing I would still like about Top Gun if I were to see it now).

The best of the best.  Helicopter Pilot.  Actor.  Human.  Whatever.

Jake Preston (Cage) is a hot young stud and rising star in the US Apache Combat training program.  He is the best of the best and he knows it.  The school has recently been chartered by the US Government to train their pilots for combat against South American drug cartels who will be flying a smaller, more nimble, Scorpion attack helicopter.  That's right, drug cartels in a different hemisphere have a single helicopter and a crack pilot that will single-handedly wage war on the US military.   Preston has finally met his match.  But before he can solve America's drug problems, he's got some authority to challenge and some ass to chase at home...

Siskel and Ebert have already said everything there is to say (and in a vastly superior fashion) about the film itself so I'll try to say a few things they haven't.  First off, all of the acting in this movie is terrible.  Cage actually pulls this "terrible acting" off due to his irreverence and on-screen charm, while everyone else just ends up looking like a typical asshole failing at a never ending game of Charades.  Both his irreverence and charm are perfectly summed up in an excellent scene where he takes to the flight simulator for some realistic (ie. mid level PlayStation 1 graphics) action against the best AI 1990 has to offer.  But Seriously.  Fire Birds deserves some respect for drawing attention to a problem so often overlooked by the US public today:  Eye Dominance.  People suffering from this condition often have to spend several minutes behind the wheel of a jeep equipped with a home made para scope to be cured forever.

Eye dominance:  An ailment that effects one out of  every one person in this country today.  

I've presented here only a few of the reasons why every person on earth should eventually see this movie.  While each individual part may be either laughable, stupid, embarrassing  or really stupid, they all sum together to provide an experience that is but a fond memory in 2013.  Fire Birds shows us a time when multiple A-list actors could be in a totally stupid movie and it didn't even matter or effect their careers.  A time when someone would actually put up millions of dollars because "theoretically Top Gun with helicopters and Nic Cage should be amazing."  A time when  a quote from anyone with the name George Bush at the beginning of a movie would be somewhat respectable.  And most importantly, a time that the whole world was stupid and nothing didn't not not matter at all.  Nothing mattered at all because bad guys were exploding and Nic Cage was securing a nice piece of ass in the end.  And I think we all know deep down, that is all that really matters.

A time.  The time.  The only time.  Transcending Time.

Movie quotability:

• "Sir, that was totally cool!"
• "Good, because I have a pocket full of quarters."
• "I AM THE GREATEST"
• "Shoot 'em, blast 'em, nab 'em, grab 'em, shake 'em, bake 'em, cook 'em, clean 'em, hold 'em, broil 'em, kick 'em, nab 'em, twist 'em, ALL GONE BYE BYE!!!!"
• "I'd say that I'm doing piss-perfect"
• "Why'd you change?"  "Less to take off."  "Lets skip dinner."
• "You're not touching her you filthy piece of shit."
• "Snort that sucker."  (Kills cocaine jet with shoulder fired rocket.)

Plot Holes:

• Drug cartels like fighting the US military via a single helicopter.
• The drug cartel seems to have one helicopter and one helicopter pilot.
• Their helicopter pilot was trained in North Korea.
• People in 1990 thought that "Billie" looked good in that loose sports bra.
• Tommy Lee Jones it taller than the top shelf in the supermarket.
• Old couple has 3 toddler aged kids and no toys in their house.
• Arizona and "South America" look exactly the same.

	CAGEamatic	Cinamatic
Skyler	Outstanding	Poor
Shauna
James	3.19/5	1.80/5
Martine	!Read, wrote, and watched in the Cage!

#51 The Ant Bully

#51 The Ant Bully

Year: 2006

Director: John A. Davis

MPAA Rating: PG

Epic Co-stars: Bruce Campbell, Paul Giamatti

Running Time: 88 minutes
Cage Time: 30%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 1

Skyler's Review: 

In the Ant Bully, Nic Cage plays a sarcastic ant sorcerer named Zoc. That is trying desperately to brew a potion of Reduce Person. You see, there is a kid out there that likes to mess with the ants' nice little civilization, usually in the form of squirt gun. The ants call the kid, "Peanut the Destroyer." Zoc wants to give the potion to the kid so that he will be easy to kill.

Zoc, a wizard ant who wishes to use his magic to go the greater good for the colony.

The Julia Roberts ant says "No! We can rehabilitate!" They let Peanut try to join the community, but his attitude is terrible. Not surprisingly, the kid learns the way of the ants and they grow to respect each other. Danger happens, then they overcome it together. In the end, Zoc makes an Enlarge Person potion to return Peanut to his family with a new found respect for insects.

Nicolas Cage has been known to play a wizard role

The plot is so trivial, that we had guessed the plot completely before the title credits were through. Also, the humans in this movie were super uncanny. All in all, the movie made us laugh in parts, and Nicolas Cage as a wizard ant shows that his talent knows no bounds.

Movie quotability:

• "Away, monster, or I will use my powers to destroy you... powers that I have yet to perfect."
• "It's Peanut, the Destroyer!"
• "No, wait! We are not mindless savages! We should study the human... and then eat him!"
• Nic: "Curse you, rock! A curse upon your children!" JR: "I don't think rocks have children." Nic: "Well, they won't NOW." 
• "Oh, something HAHAHA, I was worried it was NOTHING!"
• "Will you quit eating, fatso?! It's crowded in here! We need more room!"
• "Zok! How did you get in here?" "Well, I sure didn't get in through the REAR entrance."
• "Uh, definitely NOT, thank you." (you have to imagine Nic Cage saying that)
• "Calling a human a friend... I always thought that was impossible until I met you."

Plot Holes:

• Most of this movie was iron clad, but at the end they really blow it. Why go to all the trouble of shrinking the exterminator when they could just un-shrink the kid?

	CAGEamatic	Cinematic
Skyler	Exceeds Expectations	Acceptable
Shauna
James	3.02/5	2.50/5
Martine	!Stayed in the Cage!