#33 Sonny

#33 Sonny
Year: 2002
Director: Nicolas Cage
MPAA Rating: R
Epic Co-stars: James Franco, Mena Suvari, Scott Caan
Running Time: 110 minutes
Cage Time: 2 minutes
Cage Kills: 0
Cage (inspired) Flip-outs: 5
Martine's Review: This movie was a "tickle" in just the right place for me. It is almost as if this movie was a love letter from Cage to me. Or maybe not a love letter, but a craigslist personal ad accompanied by a hot dong shot. I could sure use a shot of Vitamin Cage; I'm not afraid of a big needle.

My first thoughts were that this film was going to be a drag because Nicolas doesn't show his gorgeous, sexy face, except for a short cameo. I found instead that I was creaming in my jeans with every shake of the camera, knowing that the direction and every touch in the movie was the sensual caress of Nicolas's hand. Enter James Franco; but I didn't see a young, weird Jimmy F on the screen. No, I just keep on seeing my charming, hot Nicolas. Every line delivered, I hear in Nic's voice.

Knowing that Nicolas controlled every scene made it easy to fantasize him everywhere.

James Franco channels the Nouveau Shamanic style and has 5 epic flip-outs. Every single one was performed to perfection by my Nicolas off-screen moments before the camera captured James Franco's emulation of the glorious master. Oh, to be on the set of this film and watch a strong, powerful Nicolas Cage direct every movement: commanding others to move and speak to his nuanced preference. I wish I was there to let him direct me; command me to make him a sandwich and deliver it to his trailer. I would wear the special perfume and panties to deliver that meat.

Since this is Nicolas' movie, I assumed this is how he likes his women to look. I immediately went and got this haircut.

The movie is about prostitution in New Orleans and follows Sonny, a male prostitute. For the entire duration, Nicolas is flirting with me; if only Nicolas was a male prostitute in New Orleans. The message of the movie is that we're all dirty whores on the inside. I know I am. It's just good to know that Nicolas is too. 

Normally I'm not into girls in any way, but for some reason, when I saw Mena bouncing up and down, I wanted to be under her with a Nicolas Cage face painted on. Or she could have Nicolas' face. Even though Mena Suvari is far from a sexy hunk of Nicolas Cage, she was working for me in this movie, again (I suppose) because of Nic's omnipresence in the film.

The penultimate flirt: playing a gay, big-nosed, ugly-glasses sporting pimp; and he still oozes the masculine musk of sexuality.

Finally Cage graces us with a cameo as a character named "Acid Yellow" where he proves to me that he the pure essence and true form of sex. He disguises himself with a big Jew nose, thick coke-bottle glasses, and acts like a gay pimp. Notwithstanding, I felt a flush of pleasure wave over my body, rippling down to my toes and bringing out a tingling inside me. It was as if the entire movie, Nicolas was creating ever increasing sexual tension between us by blatantly throwing around sex for money, sex for fun, sex for love, rage induced freak outs; then the moment he shows his rugged face, all of the tension breaks. I couldn't keep my eyes from unfocusing and trying to roll back into my head. I was complete. Utterly relaxed.

I will definitely watch this movie again, alone ;)

Movie quotability:
  • "Know I know why your momma always called you a natural born whore."
  • "So what?  I drink beer.  You break shit.  She drink cough syrup.  So what?"
  • "The stick. Use the stick."
  • "I love co-cock!"

Plot Holes:
  • Not everyone in New Orleans drinks Southern Comfort.

!Enjoyed the Cage!

#32 Bringing Out the Dead

#32 Bringing Out the Dead

Year: 1999
Director: Martin Scorsese
MPAA Rating: R
Epic Co-stars: John Goodman, Patricia Arquette, Ving Rhames, Tom Sizemore
Running Time: 121 mins
Cage Time: 99%
Cage Kills: 2
Cage Flip-outs: 4 
Skyler's Review: 

This movie was bringing out the dead in me! First, let me state for the record that Nicolas Cage did an amazing job portraying his character with the style and grace that makes doves cry. Now for the movie...

Nic Cage keeps seeing this 'Rose' as a ghost everywhere.
At the start we see John Goodman who is awesome. John is saying some funny stuff and Nic Cage is being pretty cool. Cage is playing an ambulance driver that is dead inside. He's really pulling it off, too. It's cool at first but then it starts to be a drag.

Nic Cage starts seeing Rose's face everywhere. In reflections and stuff, every time he drives, and  when looking at other people.
Dr. Cage's hair is flat long hair; he kinda looks like a zombie. John Goodman is the only actor who comes even near Nic Cage in the flip-out department. Ving Rhames is pretty awesome too. Really funny. Cage just keeps acting dead inside.

As the movie moves along you get the feeling like they are trying to make a significant point by seeing Rose's face on other people, but after a few times it seems forced.
If you liked Insomnia or Edward Norton in Fight Club then you will totally like Bringing out the Dead. My favorite part was when they started talking about "applesauce cake" since that sounds really yummy.
You might be trying to really get "into" this review but then this girl's face keeps on popping up non sequitur.  
The overall plot is something about a new drug called "Red Death" that is causing young people to OD. All of the people that Nic and his co-drivers of the ambulance try to save are either old people that are too old to be saved, or drug addicts that can't be saved from themselves. After half of the movie is over, you feel that the writers have made their point; but they keep hitting you over the head with the same visuals and situations.
Seriously, they keep showing this girl's face so much that toward the end she served as a reminder to check your watch to see how much time was left.
Really the best part of the movie happens half way through when an ambulance does a flip. The credits really should have started to roll there. But, alas, there is still a whole lot of movie left. I would recommend this movie to someone that is so happy that they want to be brought down a little bit. Otherwise, leave this movie to folks spending a Year in the Cage.

If you are tired of seeing the same non-Cage image over and over, join the club.
Here, have a Cage... you'll feel better.

Movie quotability:
  • "Hold this.  If you let go I SWEAR, I don't kill you."
  • "I'm goin', it's easier than waitin'"
  • "It's 6 am the cocktail hour.  Pass me the bottle."
  • "You're in the stomach!"
  • "Where the hell are the bandaids?  This is an ambulance isn't it?"
Plot Holes:
  • Ambulance driving is a ridiculous fraternity of ridiculous doing ridiculous things. 
  • Twins don't come out at the same time.
  • Nobody holds the railing...

!Stayed in the Cage!

#31 Best of Times

#31 Best of Times
Year: 1981
Director: Don Mischer
MPAA Rating: N/A
Epic Co-stars: Crispin Glover
Running Time: 48 mins
Cage Time: 35%
Cage Kills: 0
Cage Flip-outs: 0
James' Review:  As a 33 year old man in 2012 I can safely say that watching "The Best of Times" was truly some of The Worst of Times spent in the CAGE thus far.  This movie is in fact not a movie at all, but the pilot episode for a teen television series that was never picked up.  The show chronicled a group of friends going through the trials and tribulations of high-school life and was complete with monologues to the camera and cookie cutter personality stereotypes.  

Upon closer inspection it is easy to see that this was the first shot a what eventually turned into "Saved By the Bell".  A loose breakdown of characters is as follows (no need to use the best of times character names, because they are the same damn names as the actors):
  • Zack Morris = Crispen Glover
  • A.C. Slater = Nicolas Coppola (before he changed his name)
  • Kelly Kapowski =  Jill Schoelen
  • Lisa Turtle = Julie Piekarski
  • Screech Powers = David Rambo
  • Jessie Spano = Lisa Hope Ross
  • Mr. Belding = Jackie Mason (who plays Mr. O'Reilly)

Best of Times tried to reach a philosophical and political depth not attained by Saved by the Bell and this could very well be the reason for it's demise.  The show often felt like it was trying a bit too hard with its characters and lacked direction with it's plot.  At times I wasn't sure if I was watching a variety show, or something with an actual plot.

Nicolas Cage's performance has inspired some fan art by
the folks over at Cagealot Castle.

The best part of this viewing was seeing a young and wholesome Nicolas Coppola embracing his Nouveau Shamanic style at such an early age.  Best of Times is also where he originated his one-handed push-ups (later seen again in Red Rocks West) and in cuttoffs on the beach.  His ego is larger than life as a "jock" who seems to bully everyone around him including his "best friend" Crispin.  

The bottom line is that anyone who isn't spending A Year in the Cage should never watch this movie.  If you are craving some hot young Nic Cage and just gotta have it, then just watch this video rather than suffering through the entire uncomfortable thing.  If you are spending a A Year in the Cage you should consider the next 48 minutes of your life a total loss and just realize that in the end you will look back on this as a character building experience...  Here it is, get to it!

Movie quotability:
  • "HAA  That's what turns women on!"
  • "I am the most beautiful man you have ever seen.  My magnificent biceps drive you wild with desire."
Plot Holes:
  • You can see the microphone boom in the mirror when Kevin is on the phone.
  • 3rd degree burns from an iron is funny.
  • The gang goes to a water park fully clothed.
  • Denim was not worn by the Oregon Trail pioneers as suggested in the film (it wasn't invented yet)

!Doesn't stoop to Made for TV material!

#30 Deadfall

#30 Deadfall

Year: 1993
Director: Christopher Coppola
MPAA Rating: 
Epic Co-stars: Charlie Sheen, Talia Shire, James Coburn
Running Time: 98 mins
Cage Time: 30%
Cage Kills: 1
Cage Flip-outs: 6
/r/onetruegod's (failed) Review: Cage's performance here, as I see it, is building off that of Dennis Hopper in the film Blue Velvet. However, Cage gives a more nuanced take on the character, showing his deep-seated insecurities and rage.  Deadfall was directed by the brother of Our Lord, Christopher Coppola. This explains how he was able to capture the essence of the Cage so perfectly.*

Entering 17 minutes into the film, Cage steals the show which isn't hard to do because everyone else is an absolutely terrible actor.  When Dr. Cage isn't gracing the screen, the audience is forced to suffer through terrible narration and some sad emotional sex but is finally slightly rewarded with a glimpse of a pretty nicely executed cake in the shape of a horsey.  When Dr Cage is on the screen, the audience is treated to the worst (and by worst I mean BEST) mustache ever coupled with some of the most terrible (and by terrible I mean awesome)  hair in all of cinema.  Using these two small props, Dr. Cage transforms into one of the most memorable psychotic popper-addicted ruthless criminals in cinematic history.     Sadly, he is only on screen for about 30 minutes before performing an exit that is almost as spectacular as his character.

The Nouveau Shaman mastering his craft.

You are never too old to throw a fit on your bed.

Upon deeper contemplation of Deadfall, one will see many similarities between it the film and the /r/onetruegod community.  When initially introduced, both are very interesting and inspire thoughts like "how have I gone by whole life without seeing this" or "finally, something that is so awesome nothing else will ever surpass it".  But only after one becomes completely immersed (in Deadfall or the /r/onetruegod subreddit) he soon realizes that it is really 1% genius and 99% horseshit.  Both the film and the subreddit are built around a core of pure artistic genius, but in each case the genius is all but wasted by the mindless generic crap that surrounds it.  Luckily for both of them, videos like this (video may contain spoilers) or Cats like this will always remain to remind us of the pure artistic beauty that is so often totally washed out by the vast quantities uninspired garbage that tries to imitate it. 

*Thanks to /r/onetruegod member "thegreatwhitemenace" for providing your most valuable input to this review.  You are the one man truly devoted to his god even while surrounded by 7788 half-assed posers.  May your Mountain Dew be sweet. 

Movie quotability:
  • "What's the matter, cat got your fucking toungue?"
  • "This fucking fucker's fucked!"
  • "Time to kiss the baby, friend...  Wahh."
  • "I'll fuck you all summer long baby.  All summer long..."
  • "Fuck fuck fuck, fuckin fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  Fuck.  Hi-fuckin' YA!!"
  • "Okay baby girl, who sent you?  Who sent ya?!?"
  • "Someones tryin' to fuckin' kill me man!!!!"
  • "Fucking hangers!!!"
  • "What am I, a fuckin' retard man?  Am I a fucking retard huh?  I know what this is.  Lou's trying to snuff me out because of his crazy little nephew being around.  Well vive la fucking France man..."
Plot Holes:
  • Every person everywhere is a shifty eyed creep.
  • Any sane person would just keep the bracelet.
  • Strip club has fog machine.
  • Guy is into foreplay when having sex with a whore.
  • Strange scissor hand super villain supposed to be taken seriously in non fantasy movie.

!Started reading after 59 minutes in the cage!